A Treasure Found at Home

one thing about living in the bay area instead of, say, norton, ohio, is that you get the opportunity to run into a lot of different people with a lot of different cultures. like the chinese woman who works at the store up the street from my hairdresser’s salon.

i was in wednesday to get my hair shorn cut when this woman came in to ask my hairdresser (the salon’s owner) a question. then she just sort of hung around watching me get my hair cut. it was little odd, but whatever, maybe she was bored or really likes watching people get haircuts.

then she says to me, “you don’t have much hair.”

(as if maybe i hadn’t noticed after all these years?)

“no, i don’t. i really don’t,” i smiled.

it was sort of like trying to answer someone who’d come up to me and said, “you have two arms.” why, yes, i do.

then she clarified she wasn’t just talking about it being short, but that i just don’t have much of it to go around. i agreed with her again.

then, almost as if she’s trying to figure out how not to be polite to americans, she says, “you lose your hair?”

“nope, ” i said, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, “it’s just always been this way.”

“you know how some women lose their hair after they have the baby.”

this was when my hairdresser stepped in, “that does happen sometimes to some women, yes.”

thanks to her for getting me out of having to tell this woman that i still don’t have any babies!

she hung out a little bit longer, then went back to her store. it was, overall, a somewhat strange experience. i’m not familiar enough with chinese culture to say if all the awkwardness can be chalked up to cultural differences, but the idea that it was made it a lot easier to roll with her pronouncements. also, there’s a part of me that thinks it’s sort of funny when someone informs me about some physical aspect of myself that i’ve been aware of for years… “you have hips.” “you have thin hair.” “you are really pale.”

i did try to take photos of my new do, but by the time i got to a camera the wind had already mussed it up quite a bit. i do like it, though, so easy to take care of when it’s short!

hello world!

walking to BART yesterday to go meet sned for a celebratory, end of term dinner, i really noticed the trees and flowers. not that i’d been completely unaware there were trees along that street, but i haven’t had the mental capacity to really be aware of them. and i also hadn’t really noticed other people who, it turns out, all have their own lives and thoughts and feelings and whatnot. an easy thing to *think* you remember and it’s pretty neat when you actually remember — a “we’re all in this together” sort of feeling.

relaxing and opening my awareness was a pretty nice reward for finishing my most frustrating science class so far. i still have approximately 7,000 things to do, but they seem a bit more manageable now.  of course, i know if i’d taken the time to calm down and remember the rest of the world earlier i might have been better able to cope with this class. i’ll do my best to keep that in mind for my upcoming anatomy, physiology, and (probably) organic chem classes this autumn.

all that said, my semester isn’t really over. i still have a paper and an exam for my lifespan psych class. here at the end of the semester we’ve reached the end of the lifespan. so today’s class will focus on death and dying and living wills, etc. i have a lot to think about. sned and i talked about how we should really each have a living will and know the specifics of what the other wants or doesn’t want. living wills, at least the one in our class packet, are a bit vague and it would be a big benefit to have someone know more specifically what one’s wishes are.

it’s a little strange to feel like i’m planning my whole future here in the next few weeks. all the plans A-Z. what if? what if? what if? what if i do? what if i don’t?

remembering the way trees and flowers and people and animals and … everything… just go on without help from me or anyone helps me think these decisions aren’t as largely critical as i make them out to be. i’ll still be here. i’ll still have my cuppa in the morning. i’ll still have the little things that make life… life.

I went to the gym this morning. apparently I’m still on central time so I woke up at 5:30 and instead of lying around in bed trying to go back to sleep I figured it would be a good idea to go to the gym.

I’m not kidding when I say it took me an hour to leave the house. even so, I probably only had about half of what I shoul have brought. I had my iPod, but no headphones; my towel for a shower, but no shampoo or shower shoes; my makeup, but no brushes to apply the makeup. I’m lucky I remembered clothes to wear to class!

maybe I should make a checklist for my gym bag.

I rode the stationary bike for a while, then tried this odd cross between a stair stepper and an eliptical machine. I gave up after five minutes because I couldn’t sort out how to find a rhythm and couldn’t tell if I was striding forward or backward. weird, I know, but I guess my tea hadn’t kicked in yet.

in other news, I’ve finally spent the thirty seconds required to sort out what my final project will be for my communications class. I’m going to write about relationship deterioration. I can bring my favourite relationship psych into it, gottman, and his four horsemen. I wanted something a little more scientific than what I’ve read in most of the book, and this bridges the gap nicely I think.

old time camera

Originally uploaded by Hjem

for lent this year i gave up wearing jeans. it was more difficult than i thought, especially when i was feeling under the weather. but, that’s a different story.

one thing this adventure pointed out to me in stark detail is that i have a lot of t-shirts. and a lot of those are solid coloured t-shirts, in fact. i think i noticed because so few of them went with the trousers and skirts i’ve been wearing for the past 38 days.

so, just in time for lent to end, i’ve decided to “upcycle” some of my solid coloured t-shirts. this is part of part I of the project — stenciling. i’m hoping it will help me look a little less boring when i fall back into my jeans and t-shirt uniform after sunday.

I have almost finished packing for my upcoming trip to Florida and then to Belgium. I had a little bit of a hard time because it is nearly 70°F in Florida and it is snowing in Belgium and I am trying to pack for both.

I’ve decided just to go to bed instead of continuing to organize and clean the house and set my alarm half an hour earlier so I can get some stuff done the morning before I go but now I’m laying in bed and I’m not going to sleep.

Somehow I have become a night owl this past couple weeks. I’m not really sure why I’m staying up later and it will probably work better if I could sleep in later, but I’m enjoying it nonetheless. I have always been both along sleeper and a morning person which means I’m going to bed much earlier than everybody else I’ve ever been friends. This sort makes me feel normal to stay up late. Although I do understand that 11 o’clock or midnight is not late for most people. And as much as a morning person as I am, I am not really a 4:30-in-the-morning morning person so tomorrow is going to be a little rough. I should try to go to sleep.

But first I’m going to return to listing five things I’m happy about for the day:
• target
• ham and cheese croissant
• Discounted sports clothes
• Laughing with friends
• Pretty dresses

after months of not-sureness and questioning and wondering and dread and fear and hope and mental turmoil, i have Made A Decision.

i’m changing careers.

i’m going back to school starting in january and should have my BSN in about two years from then.

i’ve added a bunch of nursing blogs to my feed, bought a couple books, told a few people, gone to informational meetings at schools. i’m excited to get started — i’m excited to get finished with school so i can have a job that means i can support myself financially without resorting to rice and beans for every meal AND where i feel useful and helpful and competent, where i feel i make a difference. so far i’ve narrowed my interest in a specialty down to about 7 gagillion out of the 10 gagillion specialties there are to choose from. topping the list today (note: these are subject to change at any time) are l&d, nicu, critical care, peds, flying nurse, psych… i know i don’t want to work in the ER and i don’t want to work in a school. but i do like the idea of being the nurse at a special needs summer camp. and i don’t *just* mean burning man, although it would be nice to give back to that community in that way, too. also, someone was reminding me of doctors without borders which have two week “jobs”.

i also know i’m signing up for “let’s call sparkle to find out how bad this is before we go to the doctor.” but since i was raised by a nurse and had a nurse housemate for a while, i’m used to the calls from sick people. plus, i still do this to my mom so i guess it’s going to be payback.

the one big thing, my friend j is getting better. he ended up in the hospital with pnemonia; i went to visist him and kept making him laugh, which made him cough, which didn’t look fun. but, he’s on top of it and should be right as rain soon.

on to the small

☕ wee children with wee balloons

☕ carrot cake for breakfast

☕ crafty chicka book (now i can’t wait for my sewing machine to come home)

☕ close library for easy quiet study space

☕ offer of free pass to maker faire in exchange for helping at minnie’s craft booth

i spent this memorial day, as i have the last several memorial days, up north at the ranch. it was especially nice to get away from it all this year.

☕ campfires

☕ time to read

☕ remembered warmy things for the tent and was not cold at night

☕ crazy amounts of birds making crazy amounts of bird noises

☕ the tiniest frogs EVAR!

☕ pond

☕ sunshine

☕ roasted marshmallows

☕ time to talk and hang out with grown ups

☕ watching a certain five year old play, draw, and cuddle the baby penguin i gave her

today’s random mind training reminder was “A deep and quiet joy is always present when your internal peace is such that you aren’t disturbed or thrown into confusion by events in the world or by your own thoughts and feelings.”

obviously, i’m still working on it. still thrown into confusion by my thoughts. yesterday i decided that confusion or no, i was going to get started. step 0.5: rent a larger storage space. i wasn’t looking forward to it: more money out when i have so much less coming in. it didn’t seem like a sound financial decision but how else could i get the house in shape for appraisal and market? so, i prayed it wouldn’t be for long and headed down to the storage place where i found out that renting storage space on the second floor is MUCH less expensive than renting on the first.

☕ i got twice the storage space for ≈$10 more
☕ garma helped me move most of my stuff from the old to the new before she had to go to work
☕ i got the whole move between storage spaces completed in one day (including sweeping out the old one)
☕ lunch with mo
☕ evening drinks and dinner with tim
☕ tamarindo margarita – yum!

when i get really stressed, my left ear hurts. it has to do with tension in some muscle that runs up from my shoulder. i used to think i was getting an ear infection, but after a few courses of antibiotics and a little observation of my circumstances i put two and two together.

today i have that ear ache. as usual, it took me some time to figure out what was going on — did i get an ear infection from being in the shower too long? no, duh, my whole life is up in the air. but, all is not lost.

☕ i have some damn fine tea

☕ have plan to rent larger storage area so i can empty out the house and get it ready to show

☕ lots of music on tv last night

☕ hulu — i missed the last 5 min of glee but got to see it this morning

☕ lunch today with my friend maureen

i only say “the adventure of a lifetime” because the adventure i’m in right now is really the same adventure i’m always in, just with a little more intensity about getting to the end.

i’m having to make a lot of decisions right now. do i try to keep the house? do i sell the house and stay in the area? do i sell the house and move to another, less expensive state? do i stay in tech or do i try to find some other career… one with less typing and more hands on, less eye strain from monitors and more of some other strain i’m not aware of yet?

i’m trying really hard to keep sight of the good in the situation:

☕ i have total freedom in that i’m not dating and have no children
☕ my parents can help financially for a little while
☕ i have some work (it could be no work)
☕ it’s summer ~ sunshine, (some) warmth, outdoor time
☕ i have more time to learn new skills and improve the skills i already have
☕ stress makes me want to eat less, so i won’t spend as much on food (ok, yeah, that one’s a stretch.)

Rob says:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Maybe someday you will allow yourself to act more like an Aries. You know, you’ll barge ahead along a path of your own making. You’ll follow the siren call of your good instincts instead of the waffling questions of your fine mind. You’ll relish the scary sounds from up ahead as potential opportunities to triumph over your fear and hone your willpower. Don’t do any of that stuff yet, though. You’re not ready for the challenge. Maybe in a few years. APRIL FOOL! Here’s the truth, Libra: Now is an excellent time to act more like an Aries.

i admit i have no idea how an aries is supposed to act, but from context i think it means i’m supposed to take the scary chances. i wish there were some way to find out exactly *which* scary chances i was supposed to be taking. ie, should i stay or should i go — and then know which situation precicely that was refering to. cause staying is scary and going is scary, but both for different reasons. or not. i mean, the scary thing isn’t *change* per se, right? it’s change not going the way we want — it’s the unknown quantity after the change. so that not changing can be scary in it’s own way, too.

what if i keep doing XYZ and it never works out? what if i keep paying my mortgage and my house keeps losing value? what if i keep enabling my hyper-nervous friend and she gets more and more dependent on me? what if i keep taking this pottery class and all my pottery is ugly?  (yes, i did drop out of pottery class because of stress.)

so, uh, i’m not sure where that leaves me. except that even before rob said anything i knew it was time to take some chances. i’m just not 100% decided what those chances should be yet. or maybe i do know, but i’m not going to take the chance of telling.

i’m going to have to change that logo to say “sometimes” instead of “365″.

☁ti amo in the office & doggy chase
☁not being on call any more
☁i cooked
☁for friends
☁who brought their baby
☁and the andc invite b picked up for me so I didn’t have to
☁plus it was a beautiful day

yesterday i met a friend from out of town and i went to an oscar party. fun times. also i have a new app on my iphone that is just for gratitude lists. it’s marks each bullet point with a little cloud. so cute!

so, here they are in no particular order…

☁complements on my haircut
☁college friends irl (Jason) and on skype (hamster_grrl)
☁Rob Roy in a martini glass to “make it pretty”
☁complements on my oscar dress
☁Sean Penn’s acceptance speach: he was clearly emotional; open; honest
☁cake!
☁nerdy baby’s abc’s
☁yummy lunch w/Jason
☁earl grey
☁missed all the slow bridge traffic
☁view from the view lounge

1. THUNDER! in california! (ok, i only heard it once, but it was serious)
2. real rain 1) we need it and 2) it’s usually a lighter rain here
3. got my hair soaked walking back up the hill from lunch
4. warm soup
5. sound of rain on my skylight at home
6. cozy lighting in the office
7. i have a job in an office (i’m not working outside in this rain)
8. hot rose flavoured tea
9. the hail didn’t fall here (no dents in the car)
10. i totally don’t have to worry about tornados here

1. my favourite candy will now be on sale (necco conversation hearts, if you’re wondering; i love reading them!)
2. fixing the car’s window motor only took one day
3. it didn’t rain while the window was stuck down
4. the rotors didn’t absolutely need to be replaced (yay saving *some* money)
5. questions got resolved – even if i don’t feel good about the answers i feel much better knowing the truth
6. chatted with hamster_grrl (belgium)
7. chatted with jason (arizona usually, nyc last night)
8. chatted with serious (oz)
9. presidents’ day means i get to wfh, where it is much warmer
10. mint and honey tea

1. went to see a movie with our babysitting money from last week (there’s something about this that is so sweet)
2. coroline! in 3D!
3. kisses on the top of my head
4. crazy dream was really just a dream
5. had one clean travel mug left this morning
6. found i had already bought the album i was thinking of buying!
7. sunshiny blue sky
8. dancing alone in my living room in the mornings
9. dude, grilled cheese promises… and that’s all i can say about that for now
10. the lowl

1. burrito – yummy lunch!
2. borrowed heater to keep my feets warm in the office
3. great dinner conversation
4. ended up at a good place for said dinner
5. rain ended before the dinner ended
6. cute shoes
7. still in love with my little coffee maker
8. queen bee HeroClix for my desktop

1. naps
2. couches
3. new pillow cases
4. peanut butter moo
5. fastish carpet cleaners
6. rushed stairway hugs – better than no hugs

1. zombie prom
2. going out with pilot
3. made it to the street and the water filled gutter before i threw up. thank goodness for the recent rains.
4. twitter
5. cake donuts with sprinkles
6. good timing meant i got to talk to rockstar when i got home last night
7. did not get dizzy or barfy again while driving across the bridge
8. my hair can’t hold a style to save it’s life… which means anything i do it it brushes out rather easily! yay, post zombie brushing!
9. pilot got absinthe, so i got to watch the whole prep (not liking licorice means i don’t drink absinthe)
10. easy parking!