A Treasure Found at Home

the one big thing, my friend j is getting better. he ended up in the hospital with pnemonia; i went to visist him and kept making him laugh, which made him cough, which didn’t look fun. but, he’s on top of it and should be right as rain soon.

on to the small

☕ wee children with wee balloons

☕ carrot cake for breakfast

☕ crafty chicka book (now i can’t wait for my sewing machine to come home)

☕ close library for easy quiet study space

☕ offer of free pass to maker faire in exchange for helping at minnie’s craft booth

i spent this memorial day, as i have the last several memorial days, up north at the ranch. it was especially nice to get away from it all this year.

☕ campfires

☕ time to read

☕ remembered warmy things for the tent and was not cold at night

☕ crazy amounts of birds making crazy amounts of bird noises

☕ the tiniest frogs EVAR!

☕ pond

☕ sunshine

☕ roasted marshmallows

☕ time to talk and hang out with grown ups

☕ watching a certain five year old play, draw, and cuddle the baby penguin i gave her

today’s random mind training reminder was “A deep and quiet joy is always present when your internal peace is such that you aren’t disturbed or thrown into confusion by events in the world or by your own thoughts and feelings.”

obviously, i’m still working on it. still thrown into confusion by my thoughts. yesterday i decided that confusion or no, i was going to get started. step 0.5: rent a larger storage space. i wasn’t looking forward to it: more money out when i have so much less coming in. it didn’t seem like a sound financial decision but how else could i get the house in shape for appraisal and market? so, i prayed it wouldn’t be for long and headed down to the storage place where i found out that renting storage space on the second floor is MUCH less expensive than renting on the first.

☕ i got twice the storage space for ≈$10 more
☕ garma helped me move most of my stuff from the old to the new before she had to go to work
☕ i got the whole move between storage spaces completed in one day (including sweeping out the old one)
☕ lunch with mo
☕ evening drinks and dinner with tim
☕ tamarindo margarita - yum!

when i get really stressed, my left ear hurts. it has to do with tension in some muscle that runs up from my shoulder. i used to think i was getting an ear infection, but after a few courses of antibiotics and a little observation of my circumstances i put two and two together.

today i have that ear ache. as usual, it took me some time to figure out what was going on — did i get an ear infection from being in the shower too long? no, duh, my whole life is up in the air. but, all is not lost.

☕ i have some damn fine tea

☕ have plan to rent larger storage area so i can empty out the house and get it ready to show

☕ lots of music on tv last night

☕ hulu — i missed the last 5 min of glee but got to see it this morning

☕ lunch today with my friend maureen

i only say “the adventure of a lifetime” because the adventure i’m in right now is really the same adventure i’m always in, just with a little more intensity about getting to the end.

i’m having to make a lot of decisions right now. do i try to keep the house? do i sell the house and stay in the area? do i sell the house and move to another, less expensive state? do i stay in tech or do i try to find some other career… one with less typing and more hands on, less eye strain from monitors and more of some other strain i’m not aware of yet?

i’m trying really hard to keep sight of the good in the situation:

☕ i have total freedom in that i’m not dating and have no children
☕ my parents can help financially for a little while
☕ i have some work (it could be no work)
☕ it’s summer ~ sunshine, (some) warmth, outdoor time
☕ i have more time to learn new skills and improve the skills i already have
☕ stress makes me want to eat less, so i won’t spend as much on food (ok, yeah, that one’s a stretch.)

Rob says:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Maybe someday you will allow yourself to act more like an Aries. You know, you’ll barge ahead along a path of your own making. You’ll follow the siren call of your good instincts instead of the waffling questions of your fine mind. You’ll relish the scary sounds from up ahead as potential opportunities to triumph over your fear and hone your willpower. Don’t do any of that stuff yet, though. You’re not ready for the challenge. Maybe in a few years. APRIL FOOL! Here’s the truth, Libra: Now is an excellent time to act more like an Aries.

i admit i have no idea how an aries is supposed to act, but from context i think it means i’m supposed to take the scary chances. i wish there were some way to find out exactly *which* scary chances i was supposed to be taking. ie, should i stay or should i go — and then know which situation precicely that was refering to. cause staying is scary and going is scary, but both for different reasons. or not. i mean, the scary thing isn’t *change* per se, right? it’s change not going the way we want — it’s the unknown quantity after the change. so that not changing can be scary in it’s own way, too.

what if i keep doing XYZ and it never works out? what if i keep paying my mortgage and my house keeps losing value? what if i keep enabling my hyper-nervous friend and she gets more and more dependent on me? what if i keep taking this pottery class and all my pottery is ugly?  (yes, i did drop out of pottery class because of stress.)

so, uh, i’m not sure where that leaves me. except that even before rob said anything i knew it was time to take some chances. i’m just not 100% decided what those chances should be yet. or maybe i do know, but i’m not going to take the chance of telling.

i’m going to have to change that logo to say “sometimes” instead of “365″.

☁ti amo in the office & doggy chase
☁not being on call any more
☁i cooked
☁for friends
☁who brought their baby
☁and the andc invite b picked up for me so I didn’t have to
☁plus it was a beautiful day

yesterday i met a friend from out of town and i went to an oscar party. fun times. also i have a new app on my iphone that is just for gratitude lists. it’s marks each bullet point with a little cloud. so cute!

so, here they are in no particular order…

☁complements on my haircut
☁college friends irl (Jason) and on skype (hamster_grrl)
☁Rob Roy in a martini glass to “make it pretty”
☁complements on my oscar dress
☁Sean Penn’s acceptance speach: he was clearly emotional; open; honest
☁cake!
☁nerdy baby’s abc’s
☁yummy lunch w/Jason
☁earl grey
☁missed all the slow bridge traffic
☁view from the view lounge

1. THUNDER! in california! (ok, i only heard it once, but it was serious)
2. real rain 1) we need it and 2) it’s usually a lighter rain here
3. got my hair soaked walking back up the hill from lunch
4. warm soup
5. sound of rain on my skylight at home
6. cozy lighting in the office
7. i have a job in an office (i’m not working outside in this rain)
8. hot rose flavoured tea
9. the hail didn’t fall here (no dents in the car)
10. i totally don’t have to worry about tornados here

1. my favourite candy will now be on sale (necco conversation hearts, if you’re wondering; i love reading them!)
2. fixing the car’s window motor only took one day
3. it didn’t rain while the window was stuck down
4. the rotors didn’t absolutely need to be replaced (yay saving *some* money)
5. questions got resolved - even if i don’t feel good about the answers i feel much better knowing the truth
6. chatted with hamster_grrl (belgium)
7. chatted with jason (arizona usually, nyc last night)
8. chatted with serious (oz)
9. presidents’ day means i get to wfh, where it is much warmer
10. mint and honey tea

1. went to see a movie with our babysitting money from last week (there’s something about this that is so sweet)
2. coroline! in 3D!
3. kisses on the top of my head
4. crazy dream was really just a dream
5. had one clean travel mug left this morning
6. found i had already bought the album i was thinking of buying!
7. sunshiny blue sky
8. dancing alone in my living room in the mornings
9. dude, grilled cheese promises… and that’s all i can say about that for now
10. the lowl

1. burrito - yummy lunch!
2. borrowed heater to keep my feets warm in the office
3. great dinner conversation
4. ended up at a good place for said dinner
5. rain ended before the dinner ended
6. cute shoes
7. still in love with my little coffee maker
8. queen bee HeroClix for my desktop

1. naps
2. couches
3. new pillow cases
4. peanut butter moo
5. fastish carpet cleaners
6. rushed stairway hugs - better than no hugs

1. zombie prom
2. going out with pilot
3. made it to the street and the water filled gutter before i threw up. thank goodness for the recent rains.
4. twitter
5. cake donuts with sprinkles
6. good timing meant i got to talk to rockstar when i got home last night
7. did not get dizzy or barfy again while driving across the bridge
8. my hair can’t hold a style to save it’s life… which means anything i do it it brushes out rather easily! yay, post zombie brushing!
9. pilot got absinthe, so i got to watch the whole prep (not liking licorice means i don’t drink absinthe)
10. easy parking!

1. the carpool lane
2. bagels at the morning meeting
3. leaving before afternoon traffic
4. soft cushy nest of a bed
5. the beautiful baby girl rockstar and i watched last night
6. getting that beautiful baby girl to sleep
7. games which include rules such as “the person with the most colourful clothes goes first”
8. my new tiny 4cup coffee maker… just the right size

1. working from home is easier now than ever before
2. music videos
3. visit from sister sue and otis on the ranch
4. new ilife… iphoto faces is addictivly fun
5. a offered to use her car for carpooling to the ranch
6. war and sheep
7. had sufficiently warm sleeping situation in the yurt
8. warm sunshine in winter
9. no traffic on the way home due to super bowl

1. clue logic puzzle game
2. snickerdooddle
3. coffee taste test
4. toddler’s “vote” t, with a donkey and an elephant on it
5. snorty little pug at the coffee shop
6. this american life podcast

the particular “this american life” i’m listening to today is about sleep issues - fear of sleep, sleepwalking, etc. first, let me say that even though i have trouble sleeping when i’m stressed, my problems are no where near the level of these people. and for that, i’m thankful. very thankful.

one man, though, was talking about watching “the shining” and how he didn’t sleep for something like two years (!) after he watched it as a six year old. and the funny thing is while i know i have never seen that movie, i do have a very vivid memory of seeing one scene from it *in a theatre*. for many years i thought i must have seen it as a trailer before some other movie. but, what children’s movie would show a trailer for “the shining”? and especially, why would they show the scene with the elevator doors opening and blood flooding the halls? i wish i knew what was going on that i saw this scene.

i didn’t sleep well last night. i do that when there’s a lot on my mind. so, i was awake at 4am and just feeling drifty again about 6:30 which was my hard deadline for getting out of bed this morning. i know most of you do that every day, and you feel very, very sorry for me for having to join your ranks. today they’re doing work on the sewer system in my neighbourhood so i can’t use any water between 7am and 5pm. not unless, they mentioned, i didn’t mind having sewage backed up into my home.

uh, no, done that, been there, it sucks canal water with a flav-o straw.

anyhow, not much sleeping makes me grumpy, so today my list of small things to be grateful for starts with itself.

1. this list, for reminding me when i need it
2. TED iphone app
3. galahad kept my spot on the bed warm for me while i quick showered
4. ranch carpool buddy offered to let us take her car
5. chalk board

1. alone in the office… mucho quiet
2. meditation
3. peanut butter pows
4. Burning Man Tickets!
5. yummy sammich for lunch
6. sunshine to warm the office in the afternoon

first, the not so small:

my friend garma was jumped (as in beat the h-e-double hockey sticks up) at 2am sat morning on her way home from dancing with friends. it was random and sudden and *shakes head*. they were in front of her at a stoplight and claimed she hit them and demanded money. things went downhill from there.

she is really mostly fine. i went to see her yesterday evening after work. she looks bad, sure, but it took almost no time at all to get over that and see the garma who’s always there. of course she’s still shaken up, there are the same questions that come up for anyone in this situation: what could i have done differently? what should i do now?

there is also the acknowledgment that the people who did this have some very different ways of relating to the world than we do. they are the result of causes and conditions that she and i and most of the people we’re friends with have not experienced. i’m not trying to make excuses for them, they certainly had a choice, but trying to see their choices through our eyes doesn’t do them any favours either.

garma just wanted them to see her as a person. and they weren’t interested in that. they were interested in financial gain and a gain of power through fear. they got her ipod and her laptop and her messenger bag and a free tank of gas before her credit cards were canceled.

but they did not get power over her. the bruises will fade. the blood will not prevent her from loving the world as fiercely as she did before she stopped at that intersection. and that is grace. that is what they did not take from her.

the small:

1. octiles - a game of the week that we both really like
2. our old printer turns out to be colour
3. warm afternoon sunshine
4. taller desk - will hopefully lead to better posture
5. hanging out and chatting with “evil” sparkle
6. unexpectedly seeing an old friend