A Treasure Found at Home

Well, my problem of what to do on NYE this year has been solved.

I have pinkeye; I’ll be staying home.

Buddha’s teachings are so simple and straightforward. If you find them complicated, it is only because you have made them so. You may think, “I have a Ph.D. and have amassed all this knowledge, yet I still can’t figure out how to begin practicing Dharma.” The remedy is to take a good look at your own mind.

-Lama Thubten Yeshe, in “Wisdom Energy”

~~~~

This, sadly, reminds me of someone I know. While I know how difficult it is sometimes just to sit and to “take a good look at your own mind,” that is what it is all about. I have a tendency toward more study, too, I understand the draw, but I think this one is taking it too far, too soon. I’m afraid it won’t really catch.

And how much does in one lifetime? Ever? Really?

A valid question, but I think I know what the drive is, and this attempt is missing the mark by quite a bit. Though possibly coming much closer to another mark in a round-about fashion.

To borrow a phrase from another friend’s outgoing voicemail, “Good Luck!”

Wow.

And not in a good way.

I’m so tense that sitting here my back is hurting. I can’t sit still and I can’t sit straight. But sitting is exactly what I should be doing right now.

I went to a party a couple weeks back and there were drunk men right there with me all night. And it didn’t seem to bother me. I wasn’t acutely aware they were drunk or drinking. It was days later when I realized and was proud of myself for not being uncomfortable.

And now I just don’t know what to do with me. I’m having physical reactions to reading an email my friend sent out. I feel like throwing up. I’m having repetitive motion experiences. I’m not thinking too clearly.

Which is probably obvious from reading this post.

Airplane tomorrow means a 6:09AM bus; I haven’t even started packing.

I’ll make tea to see if that helps. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling. So proud of her for so much. She’s brave and loved and loving.

I stupidly feel guilty. If only I’d bailed on my other commitment and hung out with her and walked her home. What would I have done for 4 hours at the bar alone? Why should I have thought to ask my ride home to drive by and pick her up for the one block walk? It wasn’t me thinking how safe her street looked to make it happen.

And SHE IS GOOD. Knows her strength, has room for her fear and acknowledges that too, knows she is loved by so so many.

I’m guilty for having these reactions when it’s about her and her experience. Guilty for the remembering in my body. GO AWAY! IT’S FUCKING OVER!!

I got the wrong lunch at Noah’s today. I asked for whitefish. I figured I need the protein, especially with all the stress I’m putting on myself.

They gave me a chicken pannini!

Is this the universe giving me signs, or testing me? I will look into adding meat to my diet again as part of my New Year’s Resolution stuffs. I’m going to hire a nutritionist and go over it with her (I’ve got someone in mind already). I’m a little nervous that adding meat to my diet will pretty much mean adding a lot more junk food to my diet! That isn’t what I’m going for.

Anyhow, I took the sandwich back to Noah’s and before I could even explain it all they said, “Oh, you’re the whitefish!” They’d realized their mistake just as I walked out the door. The re-made my sandwich right away, and gave me a free dessert muffin thing with chocolate chips in it! They were so nice about it all, and I wasn’t really too irked; I was mostly amused that I got chicken after all my craving chicken lately.

So, for New Year’s Resolutions: I think the general resolution will be something about being kinder to myself and taking better care of me. This will include getting the house organized (finally), eating better (nutritionist), and sitting more regularly and longer. Also I’m hoping to accompany eigenvector to some wine tasting and learn a bit more about wine. Just because I want to.

I’ve been thinking about dating, too; I’ve got a couple little crushes. But I’m not sure I should add any more complications to my life right now. Clean house first, re-establish my in-home practice, *then* worry about dating or not dating.

Just mulling over what to do about my crushes has been a little stressful. I don’t want to HAVE to do something, I want someone to do something about me! I deserve it. But then I start wondering if anyone who lives in SF ever will! Certainly it seems the ones who have raised my eyebrows in the past couple months don’t seem to be aware of me that way. And then I remember reading those results about how relationships in which the woman made the first move do not, on average, last as long as those when the man made the first move. I’ve been a first move maker for the majority of my relationships. Since I backed off of that, things have really slowed down.

I’m just not interested in someone who’s biggest plus is that he can warm my bed for an evening. I don’t want to be one of several and I don’t have the energy to have several of my own right now. I want someone who’ll hang out with me in bed watching the lights from my window as something of a common experience. Someone who’ll drink tea with me in the mornings while we read. Someone to cuddle with and hold hands with. And who gives me space to be who I am, too. meh.

Hamster_grrl is breaths away from being a PhD candidate!!!

Yay!
w00t!!1!

Last weekend at the Winter Celebration I was dancing with a friend of mine and having a conversation about my experience of Shambhala. I was thanking him for having given me a chance to grow and show up for someone(s) and how it had opened me and that had helped open the rest of my life, too. It had given me some confidence I was lacking.

He said something about my having found my home.

Now, at the time, I noticed but mostly let the comment go. See, I’ve felt home–once–as I rested my head on the shoulder of my lover while we traveled together on a train. It lasted about five minutes.

But his comment from that night stayed with me. It touched me in a profound way. The thing is, he’s right. I didn’t even notice because it happened so slowly. Last night at the RS Choir I told this story and talked about how blessed I felt and how having this home is allowing me to open up to so much else in my life. I wasn’t sure I explained it well. I’m not sure how to explain my feelings except to say I’m totally in love with this man…and his girlfriend…and the whole sangha!

I feel like a child, I’m completely overwhelmed.

Gratitude isn’t all I feel in this situation, though. Not by far. I feel intimidated by the power of it. I feel a responsibility to do whatever I can to create a home for others in my life. For everyone I know and everyone I don’t know. To create a container in the RS for anyone who needs their home that way. To uphold the container of Shambhala for those who will connect best through that route. To make my corner of the office welcoming and open. To smile at my neighbors and the MUNI/BART employees, to make eye contact with the homeless and the very wealthy. Even to find a way to somehow include Ex-Squared in all this.

And I figure that will come when I sort out how to include myself more in it, too. Thanks for the encouragement not to forget myself, S.

When I’m at an All Night Dance Celebration and someone I hardly know asks me, “So, how’s your sitting practice?” I know it’s gotten bad.

Ok, ok! Starting Monday I’ll schedule time into my day again to sit!

in the cab on the way home I heard Wham! on the radio.

The Year in Review, Q/A style

(more…)

I want you to touch me quietly.
I want you to touch me on purpose.

I want your touch to linger, not just your smell.

I’m not so used to it anymore so forgive me if I don’t do it right; I push away what I want most.

I can come up with a thousand reasons to run but how do I learn to stop?

Teach me about space by coming close.

Oh Micky you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind! Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey!

Last night in the shoe store there was a little seven year old girl who was singing this over and over and over. She only knew this one line, and kept it up for 10 minutes or so…long enough for her mother to wait in line, buy their shoes, and heard the family out the door. I suppose it could have been annoying, but I found it highly amusing.

I got my refund from my old apartment management company yesterday. Hoo-rah. Not only does it mean I’m totally out from that situation, but it was more than I expected to get back! I thought they’d withhold all the pet deposit, but it doesn’t seem they did. Fantastic. Although this move has been long and drawn out and difficult at time, it was clearly the right decision at the right time.

*If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it. Want to change the world? There’s nothing to it.*

I’ve got some Willie Wonka looping in my head.

~~~~

These look cool, even if that particular piercing does have a habit of growing out. I dream of “grown up” glasses with a small enough bridge for my nose.

http://www.engadget.com/entry/1234000733023826/

It was a night of surprises. Big, bold, loud surprises and soft, quiet, warm surprises. I danced in a way I haven’t danced in years. He was behind me, dancing, and suddenly I was in his arms responding to the most subtle pressures on my wrist. Later, when I returned home, my hand still held the warm smell of the man who had held me as the night wore into morning. The calmness was perhaps the biggest surprise of all.

Yesterday was day one of a two day meditation retreat called Warior in the World. I’m not sure what exactly I’m supposed to be getting out of it, but so far I’ve gotten to use my APO secret handshake, stayed out till 3 AM, and danced *with* a great dancer instead of just next to one. I mean, he dipped me, twice, and this is a boy who knows how to lead!

By the time we all finally left I was curled up on the couch half asleep on my friend’s shoulder hearing bits and pieces of conversaton. So cozy, so at home.

If this is being a Warior in the World, sign me up!

Day Two, I have a feeling, will be about trying to stay awake on the cusion after having slept only about 3 hours! Chai w/a shot of espresso, you are my DOC today.

Wooooo HOOOOOOO
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/12/09/international1005EST0538.DTL

It’s never until I try to take a picture in my mirror that I realize just how dirty it is.

It’s not until I try to go head-long into a situation that I realize juat how much it still hurts.

I guess I should look more closely, eh?

I lost one of my fingerless gloves at Costco last night. One of the pair I knitted. I know I kept the pattern, the question is just where I kept it!

I was on hold for about half an hour today as the first woman I talked to thought I wanted to know if they sold them. First I asked if they had the glove I lost, then I heard her typing and asking again what it was.

“A fingerless glove, it looks like a glove but doesn’t have fingers on it.”

*typey typey typey*

“I just dropped it on the floor somewhere,” says I, thinking this will be another big clue that I’m not asking if they sell them.

No dice. She puts me on hold and comes back a few minutes later, “Are they for kids?”

“No, it’s MINE!”

“Oh, let me transfer you to Lost and Found.”

The phone rang so long it hung up on me.

So I called back and told the same woman what happened.

“Let me transfer you to Lost and Found,” she says again without an apology or an oops or any recognition she’d even spoken to me before.

This time a guy picked up the phone after the 4th or 5th ring.

“thoaijranfoeafioeajfejathankyou”*click* and I’m on hold. For a REALLY LONG TIME.

When Jason finally comes back on the phone, this time speaking slowly enough for me to understand him and his name, I tell him about the glove. He looks for it for a minute; they don’t have it yet, he says.

Yet? It was lost last night, when did he think it would turn up? My suspicion is they just swept it up with all the other trash and dirt on the floor and tossed it without looking.

I suppose it’s a lesson in impermanence. I’m much less upset than I thought I would be losing one of these boogers. They’re the first thing I’ve ever knit from a pattern I created.

But, they won’t be the last.

I dreamed about my crush last night. He and I finally got some time together when we met up in his hometown, which was where my parents lived and where I’d gone to high school, yet a place with which I was almost completely unfamiliar.

Anyhow, his mother was sewing all sorts of orange decorations for his bedroom. I told him the large bow she was making might look better in dharmaqueen’s room. To be honest, once I woke up I realized the bow was the sort which would only look good in the room of a five to seven year old who’d begged for it. But, I digress.

He was telling me how much he liked me and was interested in me, but he was leaving the next day for a four year (!) trip traveling around the world!

I wanted to say I’d go with him, but he wasn’t exactly asking me to and I still had this job and other commitments and I wasn’t sure I trusted it enough to make a four year commitment to him. I was thinking about it pretty seriously, though.

Then, in the dream, I went on a walk. Saw someone I knew had been one of my high school English teachers now teaching a Sr. High class instead of the Sophomore class I’d had her for. Why she was teaching on the side of a busy road, I don’t know.

I walked up a hill and it was right at the end of a very long very bad rain storm. The whole hill was flooded and, as is the way in dreams, the water wasn’t going anywhere despite gravity. Many cars were nearly roof deep in water. When I looked closer this one little Porche had asphalt halfway up the windows, too. Apparently, the water swelled the asphalt just like that hunk of bread in the bottom of French Onion soup. I could easily push it down and away from the car w/out damaging the paint at all. I figured I’d just let it dry since it wasn’t really stuck.

I went into the Gazebo in the middle of the round about/cul-de-sac at the top of the hill. There I found a lot of people who were trapped by the rain. A friend of mine from high school was there, as unfrazled by this as ever. She was just having a great time chatting with everyone while she waited to be rescued.

Julia Louise Dryfus was also there, playing a woman I’d met at Burning Man and had blogged about. She was insulted, but I explained I’d been touched by her bravery and honesty and that’s why I’d blogged about her. The dreamer me isn’t quite sure what we were talking about, though.

Then my crush showed up again to rescue me. I think he even had an epee. Very weird. But he was dashing and handsome and a little over the top, but knowingly so, and as full of banter as some of our exchanges have been in RL. He made me giggle.

That’s about where Galahad woke me up to feed him. I’ve got to learn to check his bowl before I go to bed! I had been good about it, but since I moved it to the sunroom I’ve been letting it slip again.

We got trapped on the train again today.

The doors in the second car just wouldn’t open. Some little old woman in red was having a really hard time and started in on me when I mentioned to the guy who was repeatedly pushing the call button that the doors open automatically and it’s all run by computer underground. I meant to relay that the driver wasn’t being lax in his door opening duties. It seemed to release the man’s anger, but the little old woman across the isle started talking about Unions and how she’ d worked for the Unions 50 years before I was born and someone should be working in each car and they fought against automation and she doesn’t trust computers.

And “It’s nothing to smile about!” This had never happened in the 20 years she’d been here.

~Well, It’s happened to me.

Really.

~Yes.

Was everything all right?

~Yes, everything was fine.

This is a problem.

~People make mistakes, too.

Yes, but this is a problem!

~If you make it one.

There should be someone in the car. In each car! Someone who’d know what to do in an emergency.

~Look, he’s telling her what to do. (As the driver pointed through the window to pull the big red emergency lever.)

See, I wouldn’t have known to do that, there should be someone to tell you!

I know what it feels like to panic, so I feel badly that she was having a rough time. I just couldn’t help but smile though. What else was there to do but sit and wait?

Which is exactly what I’m having to do in terms of Galahad AGAIN!!! I came home to find he’d pried open the bathroom window and run off. I just hope he avoids that garage this time.

Him being gone is a problem if I make it one.

Now I have a reason and a place to learn PHP!

Though, I’m still short on time. I’m sitting at the computer in my coat with my backpack on waiting for the invites to print so I can take them to work and assemble them durring my lunch hour and send them after work. Lunch will be short today and I’ll leave a bit late. I’ll have to call dharmaqueen and let her know I won’t be as early as I thought.

So much going on. I’m scheduling Wednesday for me time. I’ll put together furniture and unpack more and read and knit and maybe watch a movie while I knit. That will be goodness. This weekend ended up being much more full than I thought it would be and I was hardly home except to make the place MORE messy, if that’s even possible.

oh, done printing!!

New blog! I’ll be figuring out how to post in two locations soon. I could have an RSS feed on LJ of this. I haven’t decided yet. Yay for fun new toys!!