A Treasure Found at Home

I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with my blog right now, but something isn’t going quite right. I suppose that’s what I get for trying to upgrade when I’m sick and in a rush.

I’m still feeling under the weather, but have my fingers crossed that the worst of it is over. I take my last antibiotic today, so we’ll see what happens after that. I’ve been completely exhausted for days: too tired to join my friends for much of anything. Yet, well enough to still go to work. It’s not so much that I want to be sicker, but if I were worse I could ask someone to bring me soup without seeming too wimpy. If I did that now, it *would* just be wimpy.

These are the days when I wish I had some lover who had a key to my place so he could show up a little before I got home from work and set up the bathroom for a lovely bath and make tea for me while I soaked and then put me to bed and then left me alone to sleep. (Of course, he’d stop by after hanging out with our friends to make sure I was still ok and had remembered to take my midnight meds.)

Getting to hang out with GSC was really nice the past couple weeks. I love having a buddy to call and hang out with one on one. And I liked having a psudo-beau for the week. It was great to have someone open doors for me and pick me up and drive me to things and to even open the door when I got OUT of the car, too. And even–really–opening the door for me when I drove! That just gets to the heart of my “dote on me” streak. (Dude, I even bought girly shoes!) All that was missing was the sex and the sleeping over and that sort of attachment and interdependence which comes out of that.

Which was fine, honestly; I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. It’s just a tad frustrating that the only men who open doors for me are unavailable for a variety of reasons. Or they’re the sort who open doors for just so long then stop doing it. Dude, I hate that. If you aren’t a door opener, don’t open doors for me. Is it really that hard to just be honest about something as little as door opening?

And if you’re faking that, what else are you faking? What else is going to change just as I get used to it?

I am grumpy. But I know I’m grumpy, so maybe I’m only . There’s a little mixed in.
I’m blaming it on the return of the sore throat and the brand new fever. I’m going to bed.

I played an interesting game in therapy yesterday. She asks me a bunch of questions and I’m supposed to answer each one with “I don’t know.” But, I’m supposed to really feel it before I say it.

The second question she asked was, “Are you someone’s daughter?”

Later she asked, “Do you have a mother?”

When we talked about it later, I mentioned these family questions were the hardest to answer. Sure, I have Mary, but I didn’t grow up with her. And clearly the parents I grew up with love me, though sometimes I think it’s a challenge for them to understand me.

She nodded. “Who’s Mary?” she asked.

Ooops! I forgot to mention I was adopted! How’d I let that slip? So we went over that story and what it was like for me.

Then, later, she asked me to tell her what I did know. Interesting considering one of the conversations I had with GSC when we were both sick was about how we can’t really know anything. I was pretty much in a place of really not knowing much. But we talked a bit and discovered some pretty simple, profound, strong things I know about sanctuary and safety and devotion and spirituality; about the symbiotic relationship of love.

Now, how do I really just trust fully in what I do know? How do I fully engage that as my base and build on those self truths?

What I did on my Presidents Day Weekend
by Sparkle

First off, I didn’t have a holiday weekend. The company at which I work doesn’t take this as an official company holiday. However, I did take Friday off work.

Because I had strep.

Lucky for me it wasn’t the worst case of strep ever known to man. It hurt to yawn, and day one had me sounding like I’ve smoked a couple packs a day for the past year or so. I managed antibiotics ASAP, though, and it started to clear right up. I stopped hurting, but was still exhausted most of the weekend. There was much sleeping.

A friend of mine is in town house sitting, and he also got sick. So he came by and we were sick together. Possibly not the best of plans since it turned out we had different bugs. oops. But, I’m clearly more giving than he is as I shared my strep and he kept his flu to himself. *smacks forehead* But, later, I shared my antibiotics while we waited for his script to be filled.

Lesson: SF has the worst medical care if you don’t have a regular doctor in the city, and possibly even if you do! Drop in clinics had something like a 5 hour wait, perhaps doable, but they closed early, too, so there is no way to easily see a doctor if you are from out of town. Crazy.

I’m still tired and still a little stupid, but my throat infection appears to be gone! I missed a lot of fun this weekend, unfortunately, but them’s the breaks. I had some really good talks with my sick-buddy. (Possibly worth the sick.) Watched a really good, but unexpectedly violent movie. (I’d borrowed it from my upstairs neighbors and only had the blurb on the netflix sleeve to go on.) And discovered there are times when walking meditation *doesn’t* go way too slow for my comfort.

I had such an adventure trying to get to work today. I was almost a full hour later than usual!

I was starving when I woke up this morning. I must have gotten used to having real dinners with friends in town and all the great food they’ve been taking me to eat. But, last night I was on my own and reverted to my usual habits.

So I grabbed a yogurt and bagel to eat when I got into the office and headed out. When I got to the MUNI station, the trains were just getting backed up. There was one at the end of the tunnel already with its doors open and people milling about on the platform. I got on the next train, but the doors never closed and after a bit I thought it would be a better idea just to get out and eat my bagel until the trains started moving. I got about 1/4 of the way through when things got going. I made sure they were all going to go before hopping on another crowded train. Now it was firmly in Rush Hour.

I made it two more stops before I started to feel badly again. I decided I’d hop off at the next one and have a breather. Just as we pulled into the station, I started to lose my vision and my hearing. I turned to the woman next to me (who was also getting off here) and said, “I’m about to pass out, will you help me?”

I just didn’t want to end up on the floor of the train. Ew.

She helped me out and helped me sit down by the escalator. I wasn’t about to go any further than absolutely necessary. When she and the guy with her determined I wasn’t going to pass out completely, they went on their way after reassuring me that it was really claustrophobic in the train.

I sat with my head between my knees for a while and breathed and just tried to get back to being me. I was suddenly sweating pretty badly. Then I realized I’d practically dropped my backpack on the guy next to me. I shuffled things around so my umbrella was no longer poking him in the leg. Then I ate another quarter of my bagel.

I considered stumbling up to Starbucks and getting something sugary, since I figured this was mostly a low blood sugar reaction, but (and somehow this was the worst part) I’m wearing new shoes and they’re still pinchy!! They hurt my feet too much for me to drag myself up the stairs.

I finally got on another train and even managed to get a seat. I’ve had some water and yogurt and I’m working on the crasins and almonds. Holy cow, what a way to start a day.

My co-worker says I cashed in some of my good karma today by having someone who’d help me so easily off the train. He also thinks it could have been a flu of some sort; so many people I know are sick these days.

I’m just glad I didn’t lose consciousness and fall half in and half out of the train.

As much as you would like us to stay, you can not make a shot of goldschlager for us. Either you have it, or you don’t.

Last night was so much fun.

Drinking and dancing with R and singing show tunes for hours as we wandered around the neighborhood.

Fantastic.

I woke to the sound of rain this morning. I would love to have been able to just stay in bed listening. The rain creates a calm cozy-ness when it falls here.

I think I was also feeling calm because of all the wine I drank last night. Tut took me to Millennium, where we indulged in the oh so delicious V-Day menu along with the wine pairings. My wrists were numb by the time we left.

I can’t say each wine served was one I would want again, but they were clearly good wines. I’m just not much for sweet wines, though I’m learning.

I’ve been spoiled lately in terms of food. Sunday was a brunch (Brunch!) out with a friend and then the very best sushi I’ve ever had for dinner. Millennium last night, and then lunch with another friend today. mmmm…if food was always this good I would certainly eat a lot more!

I’ve been in a fantastic mood the past few days. I’m feeling stronger and more secure. I’m still nervous about a lot; I figure that pretty much just goes with being human. I’m feeling more intellectual again. I’m mulling over dharma questions and psychology questions (my own personal theories about office life).

I spent some time Sunday taking pictures. Not that they were particularly fantastic, but I haven’t played around much beyond snapshots in so long. Somehow, even if the shots aren’t any good, playing around with the camera always helps to some degree.

I remember driving from my apartment out by channel 11 to C’s place after running into him a few months after we broke up. We were going to have dinner and I was SO nervous. I had my camera with me and I took pictures of the speedometer and of downtown as I drove across the empty middle ground. I wonder where those prints are now. The only print I know I have for sure from that time is me in the mirror with the Dorito. I can’t seem to let that one go.

Me looking through the lens, and him in the background. Hands on hips. Frowning. Disapproving. I think he was frowning at one of the kids who was over that day.

There’s so much energy there still. Can I let it out through dancing? It certainly seems to help. Through writing? Somehow I still miss the mark; maybe I’m not ready. It’s a feeling which strikes me sometimes. A calm otherness. The eye of the hurricane. I guess I’ll start to let it go when I can feel the storm and still feel safe.

Brave Combo won Best Polka Album again!

I love those guys!

So they did the surgery after all. It was looking like it wouldn’t happen, then they came to get her about 3PM Eastern Time. She just got out of the OR and into the ICU. Mom hasn’t seen her yet.

The doctors took out about a foot of her colon; the colon is about 5 feet long to start with. They also said they were pretty sure it’s cancer. It’s possible they got it all in the section they took out. The oncologist is going to biopsy the colon to see if it went through the wall, and also check out the lymph nodes. Of course, that means it’s possible they didn’t get it all.

meh. I just don’t know how to feel about the whole thing. I’m scared and sad and feel helpless and want to do something, but there isn’t much to do and I feel so far away (I guess that really lumps in with the helpless), but understand this is all a natural part of life…*sigh*

I just got word the surgery was cancelled and hasn’t yet been rescheduled.

Grandma should be in surgery by now.

We went to Tiffany for lunch today. A friend of a co-worker bought some jewelry on ebay which were supposedly genuine Tiffany pieces. My co-worker had her friend mail the pieces to her so she could take them into the store and have it verified.

The weren’t real. But, my co-woker bought a silver cuff bracelette for herself!

It was a very nice break from the office.

~~~~

Yesterday was the Losar, the Tibetan New Year, aslo known as Shambhala Day to Shambhala Buddhists like me. Let me just say this: I’m really liking the champagne and cream puff experience! Twice in one year, twice in six months I think! Fabulous. There should be more champagne and cream puff days and nights. There were a lot of people I’d never seen before, a few I’d seen just a couple times, a good deal of people I see all the time, one dog I’d never met before and one dog I see at open house a lot. Leo, the fluffy pup, was all dressed up with a purple and an orange ribbon tied around his neck. Sweet puppy.

The Sakyong talked about sangha and basic goodness and love. I got all teary eyed. As he spoke about cutting through our habits to the contrary I fingered my new Manjushri protection cord. Cutting through. Cutting through.

We had a catered brunch from Before and After Thai, RedDancer’s favourite Thai place in SF, and the guy forgot to bring the bill!

After brunch (with the champagne and home made cream puffs) we threw i-ching. Our throw was very close to what was thrown in ‘72 when CTR’s students first came to Vermont and found the farm for sale (which is now Karme Choling). They threw Tail of the Tiger and we threw Tail of the Tiger changing to something about pigs and fishes.

After a short video it was off to the Asian Art Musium for a handful of us. I love that place. We couln’t manage much, but did have some fantastic tea before we left. They do have a had written gold on indigo text about Manjushri which caught all our attention.

That was that for SF, but I did end up going out to Berkeley. I have some great loves in that center, so I wanted to see them on Shambhala Day even if I was really tired already. As I came up from BART, I got a voicemail from Dad about Grandma. They’re going to take out part of her colon.

Grandma’s surgery is Friday, noon Ohio time. But, they always start late. The whole thing should take about an hour and a half. Then the recovery room for a bit, then ICU for a few days, then a regular room for the rest of the week. She’s expected to go home a week from Friday if all goes well. I talked to her briefly today. Very briefly. I don’t think she wants to talk about it, or maybe she’s worried about long distance bills, it’s hard to say for sure. Things are still a bit sketchy; the woman is 87 years old.

Even playing with babies and dancing didn’t quite help me shake the bad feeling I have about all this stuff with Grandma. At least it’s already the new year.

Well! That certainly wasn’t the right way to sleep. My neck is so sore. I didn’t think to bring my little microwaveable heating thing, so I’m just stretching bit by bit and took some muscle relaxants to hopefully ease out of this.

5(+) Things
• Stopped to talk with neighbors (including baby) in the morning
• Cider
• Hanging with Friends
• Fun Movie
• zoe_serious had room in the car for me
• Stopped to see Shanti
• Slept in a little
• E and B!!!!!

I had a very good, yet somewhat weird, dream the other night. In the dream I was going to have sex with a friend of mine. We knew the sex would take us back in time to my college days and from there we would be together as a couple for the rest of our lives. As if that weren’t weird enough, we were doing this in the changing room (duh…CHANGING room for this big life change) of a local-to-my-college boutique store. Women who worked there kept coming in, yet were oblivious to us. The even weirder part was that his ex was right there with us, watching. I just wanted her to go away, but at the same time I realized how she was still trying to love him and take care of him by essentially handing him over to me. See, cause if we went back in time to get together it would mean she and he would never have a relationship. I woke up with an intense feeling of love and acceptance from both him and from her.

On the hard drive front, I talked to a data recovery house here in the city. It could get pricy, but they’ll give me a free estimate and diagnosis first. The guy on the phone asked what happened, and I told him, and he said, “Well, that’s not your fault!” He said it sounds like either I was hit with a search or it overheated, but he’ll have to look at it to know for certain what happened. Worst case–$1000, for a large hard drive which is hard to extract data from. I don’t think mine’s too large, but I do think it will be hard to extract data from if they can extract it at all. Best case–$150. That’s a lot of play. I’ll drop it off later this week and wait for an estimate, I suppose. Or, wait till Tut comes into town and try with his Linux box. I think I’m just too tired of it all, though. I want my data and I want my new drive all set up so I can do the work I need to do for Shambhala, so I can easily read email w/out forwarding everything to gmail, so I can download photos and print stuff, so I can have my iTunes back!

I haven’t been posting in my blog much lately. I don’t really know what to say. So much is bubbling up for me right now, but I don’t want to be weak, fragile, or “girly”. I’m having trouble sorting out how exactly to talk about what I think I need to talk about without sounding small.

How do I explain what I’m working with and not sound like I want people to be extra careful protective of me? I don’t want people to walk on eggshells, I want normalcy! At the same time, I might freak out a bit. I might have trouble connecting sometimes. But I won’t always be that way and I it’s easier for me to feel normal if everyone treats me normal. I guess that’s why I don’t know what to say. How do I help my friends understand what I’m going through without knowing what to tell them I need from them?

How do I explain how yesterday I wanted to read and do and talk a lot about anything related, and yet today I really don’t want to think about it at all? It’s not even a question of day to day; sometimes it’s hour to hour. How I feel depends on so much, the people around me, the music, how much I’ve eaten. These influences are true for everyone at all times, but I’m feeling super sensitive to them right about now.

So, what is it? What’s the big deal that has me all worked up and not even totally clued in to my own self? What is it that some of you know, and some won’t be surprised about?

Stalking, death threats for any guy who talked to me after we broke up, having to fight him myself, him leaving w/out a trace, close call with a stranger, being told I’m horrible at _____ for years, yelling, rape, suicide threats, cutting (himself) to get back at me…

It wasn’t all the same guy. The majority of what is listed above was from one of two boyfriends.

R’s stalker at the end of ‘04 really ripped the wound open again for me, and this time I’m going to be sure it heals properly!

So, forgive me if I’m quiet for a while, and forgive me if I’m weirdly sensitive. Just please give me room not to be this freaky always.
I’m scared of getting stuck in it.

It’s been a while since I did this; I figure now’s a fantastic time to take it up again.

1) Mom’s a nurse, and a damned good one
2) musicals where I know (almost) all the words
3) tea and oatmeal
4) 13 songs about food
5) friends for phone calls and visiting

It’s only five more days till the New Year… The Year of the Wood Monkey. I just have to hold on until then.

First a cute SF story: What I Learned (Again) Last Night
When in SF, never say, “Certainly it can’t be____, ” about anything. As in, “Certainly it can’t be Nick’s Crispy Tacos!”
The red velvet and mirrored room on Polk is actually not just a night club called Rouge, but it is, in fact, also Nick’s Crispy Tacos!

And now back to your regularly scheduled complaining about stress.

I got a new hard drive, but it looks like I won’t get any of the data off my old hard drive. That’s over a year of photos. All those pictures of K playing at various playgrounds, all those photos of friends and family. *rolls eyes* sigh

At least most of my music is on my iPod…I think I can transfer it from iPod to hard drive, I hope I can.

Yesterday I found out my Grandma is in the hospital. It’s pretty serious this time. I can only hope she’s got that same gene that caused her mother to not die several times when she was very sick. Actually, I can also hope that if she needs to go soon, she goes fast so she doesn’t have to undergo a lot of medical procedures and further pain and suffering.

Losing her is going to hit this family very hard.