I haven’t been posting in my blog much lately. I don’t really know what to say. So much is bubbling up for me right now, but I don’t want to be weak, fragile, or “girly”. I’m having trouble sorting out how exactly to talk about what I think I need to talk about without sounding small.
How do I explain what I’m working with and not sound like I want people to be extra careful protective of me? I don’t want people to walk on eggshells, I want normalcy! At the same time, I might freak out a bit. I might have trouble connecting sometimes. But I won’t always be that way and I it’s easier for me to feel normal if everyone treats me normal. I guess that’s why I don’t know what to say. How do I help my friends understand what I’m going through without knowing what to tell them I need from them?
How do I explain how yesterday I wanted to read and do and talk a lot about anything related, and yet today I really don’t want to think about it at all? It’s not even a question of day to day; sometimes it’s hour to hour. How I feel depends on so much, the people around me, the music, how much I’ve eaten. These influences are true for everyone at all times, but I’m feeling super sensitive to them right about now.
So, what is it? What’s the big deal that has me all worked up and not even totally clued in to my own self? What is it that some of you know, and some won’t be surprised about?
Stalking, death threats for any guy who talked to me after we broke up, having to fight him myself, him leaving w/out a trace, close call with a stranger, being told I’m horrible at _____ for years, yelling, rape, suicide threats, cutting (himself) to get back at me…
It wasn’t all the same guy. The majority of what is listed above was from one of two boyfriends.
R’s stalker at the end of ‘04 really ripped the wound open again for me, and this time I’m going to be sure it heals properly!
So, forgive me if I’m quiet for a while, and forgive me if I’m weirdly sensitive. Just please give me room not to be this freaky always.
I’m scared of getting stuck in it.