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loss
I look back on some old relationships that I had and I miss them, to some extent. It still hurts sometimes to have it shown to me so publicly that I am just not worth the effort… or whatever it is that I’m supposed to think which is non-demeaning to me. (Can’t I just say I feel like that person thinks I’m not worth the effort, and be sad about that, while at the same time knowing that I am totally worth it.)
Anyhow, I got just such a bop on the nose recently. I suppose I’d known all along that friendship was completely over but I still miss it. I wasn’t ready to let it go completely.
And what caused it to end, really? I had a lot of friendships end within the past couple years. Have I turned into such a horrible person? Or am I really just starting to set some more firm boundaries?
“B” asked me the other day what meditation does for me. Well, this is part of it. I’m much more willing to refuse to play along when I don’t think something is right, especially when that something is how I’m being seen and interacted with. There is a huge shift in how I relate to those around me, and the result is losing some people who meant the world to me at some point in my life.
Last night at Women’s Group, we talked a bit about my relationship with my parents and how I have a hard time really talking back to them and standing up for myself. Part of that is that I’ve always been waiting for them to be done with me; a side effect of having three names and three sets of parents in the first three weeks, maybe? Whatever the cause, it’s always been there. Pair that with the loss of some of the people closest to me since I moved to California and suddenly I see why I’m so scared.
In each case so far I know I’m essentially better off without said person; less drained, less second guessing myself. I never doubt I made the right choice.
Sometimes it still hurts, though.
I miss you.
July 28th, 2005 at 4:27 am
I’m sorry you feel so bad.. I have something that will cheer you up (I hope!) I’m coming to Cali next month… if all goes well. I get there on the 19th. My plans aren’t completely set yet. I think I’m going to go down to LA for a few days too. I’ll call when I get my plans figured out.
July 28th, 2005 at 7:35 am
Cool. If I don’t have a job still, I’ll get some time to hang out with you!
I saved your best email address, but opted not to publish it in the comments.
Looking forward to seeing you, I think you’ll enjoy getting the project I’m helping with for this year’s Burning Man.
Smiles,
Sparkle
August 7th, 2005 at 10:29 am
Pema, this is Dov,
Although, you have not by any means have had the best relaionship with your parents one thing puzzles me?
How can you really expect that man and woman who fell in love with you and adopted you when you were three weeks old to “be done with you”; and when you were united with your mom for her to be “done with you?”
We had a resident in the nursing home who in his dementia droned on and on that the best day of his life was
when he conceived his daughter. He had no shame that he had a daughter, we knew where in the house and on what day of the week he had sex with his wife and conceived his “little girl.” His pride in his “little girl” was there even when she in her fifties came and visited him in the nursing home.
They might not understand you, the parents I met in Plano that Sunday afternoon, but I have no doubt in my mind that decades from now, in his dementia, your Dad will to be droning on and on that “the best day of my life was when I first saw my little girl Erin, whe was three weeks old….” OR to rephrase it, your parents (to the best that an outsider can read the hearts of a person) unconditionally love you and are not willing to be done with you.
Sorry for getting sappy with this one, but their love is there
David