A Treasure Found at Home

Two years in a row my life changes dramatically post burn. What’s the correlation? Do I really relax that much in Black Rock City that my life can’t help but fall into place? Do I just stop fighting so hard? Doubtful, yet it seems the most likely explanation. Maybe it’s just that there isn’t quite as much to worry about. Or maybe it’s that pretty much any return to ‘normal’ life after a week in BRC seems like a drastic change. To be sure, the groundwork for this year’s changes was all laid before I left for the burn. New job, new routine, all that jazz.

This year’s burn was difficult for me. I’m reminded of walking along the playa a couple years back in complete awe of how wonderful everything had been. I was telling someone how every year was better, significantly better, than the last. As a result I was almost nervous about continuing to come to the burn because it was clear that trend couldn’t continue and I hoped I wouldn’t become very disappointed when I had a burn which wasn’t stellar.

This year was it. My non-stellar year. I wasn’t for a moment sorry I’d gone, but I felt very much out of place and unsettled the entire week. “B” runs his camp differently than HoCo. There was not nearly the same amount of pre-planning. To be sure, I wouldn’t have put as much effort into planning for HoCo’s camp this year as I had in the past, because I already know what’s up there. I felt “B” and Pink and Pan already had the system down, and I couldn’t quite catch on. When I tried to make a decision, it seemed like it was frequently not what “B” had in mind, and when I tried to ask him about things I was unsure of, he’d encourage me to figure it out on my own. All that wind the first night and subsequent day surely didn’t help our tolerance of each other.

I smacked my head on the amb and one point, and that opened the floodgates. I sobbed and told “B”, “I’m not having a good time!” As if that were somehow supposed to be part of the deal! Actually, what I was trying to convey was that same concept of having a bad day, except my day was turning out to be much longer than just one day. It wasn’t as if there were anything in particular which I could point to, but a number of things which I could have normally taken more in stride were stacking up. After the minor breakdown, I finally started working away at building the dome. Finally! My niche. I should have thought of that sooner. I’m great with building and tools and puzzly things. Why was I holding back?

My guess is, it was the little hiccup “B” and I had hit in our friendship right before the burn. I was still trying to hold back to see what our relationship would look like on the other end. Goodness knows I should have jumped in and just *created* what I wanted to have in my friendship with him, but … hindsight and all that, ya know.

I never quite got my footing. I didn’t realize just how important those camp breakfast/coffee times were in NoseFish until I didn’t have them with the Amb camp. It wasn’t as if we never hung out together, but I really dug the easy mornings with HoCo and co. They really helped me come down from the nights and recharge for the days.

I ran into a lot of people who were experiencing difficult emotional experiences. Freshly ex fiancées camped spitting distance from each other, people promising to show up then choosing not to, at one point a woman was sharing her experience with me around a guy she’d become interested in at the burn. Her story sounded so familiar that at first I thought she was really trying to get me to talk about my own situation!

For all that, I never once wished I hadn’t gone to BRC. I laid the groundwork for a new friendship or two, I deepened others, I learned to trust just a little more. I walked a good distance in a dust storm with my eyes closed holding onto “B”‘s arm. Which may not sound like much to you the averagely sane reader, but that’s just not something I do. I rely on my sight too much, I get uncomfortable when I don’t know where things are. It’s not to say I let him lead me with complete ease… mostly I was still nervous and felt as though all sorts of objects were closing in on us. But, I did it. At one point I even made a decision to drop all that fear and go ahead and put my trust in “B”. For a few seconds it actually worked! I was so surprised that it actually worked, though, that I yelped and sort of lost the feeling. Whatever, I know now I can do it.

“B” and I finally got a chance to sort out some of our misunderstanding. We were both making assumptions about the other without really talking. Funny how that never seems to work, even with good friends.

Now I’m back in the Bay Area, at work in my new gig, feeling more relaxed and more at ease than when I left. I love the Burn.