A Treasure Found at Home

holy cow! getting to work today was a huge deal. i left about ten after seven, but got to work close to 10am! craziness…almost three hours. thank you muni.

between a late bus and a bus which apparently was hit by a car, though no one except the driver could actually see the damage, and was suddenly ‘out of service’, i missed my train. the next train is about half an hour later, but not a bullet train so i still get there just a bit before the next bullet. i could wait at the station for the bullet, but it’s chilly and wet today and i’d rather be on the train, honestly. plus, it feels like i’m making progress even if i’m going more slowly and will end up on the same shuttle as if i’d waited for the bullet.

however, at the coffee shop this morning they were offering eggnog chai! oh. my. mmmmmmmmm. the girl asked if i wanted a shot of espresso in it, too, and i agreed. the guy behind the register, though, offered to buy my shot! how sweet.

i was also getting some looks from a guy at the castro & 18th st bus stop. i know i have some outfits which make me look a little more androgynous than others, but i didn’t think this was one of them. i’m pretty sure the guy staring me down was gay, but what do i know, really? maybe he’s just really cock-sure and just runs when things get a little difficult.

ok, that’s an inside joke.

i saw _the squid and the whale_ last night, which i recommend. i think i would actually like to see it again, though i’ll wait till it’s out on dvd.

anyhow, i had a theory that one of the characters is actually gay, but ‘b’ thinks he’s not. his theory is that the guy just acts all ‘cock-sure’ and then balks when he’s faced with something he where he isn’t sure exactly what to do.

either way, a free shot and some appreciative looks from a seemingly sane person is a nice way to start the day. it rather made up for how late to work i was.

and may i just say…

real full fat eggnog is absolutely the way to go. i think this morning’s eggnog chai completely made up for all the lowfat eggnog i encountered this holiday (at both the hippie celebration and the family weekend).

for some time now i’ve wanted someone to just take care of me. i wasn’t sure what that would look like, though, so i haven’t been very good about expressing this need.

on thanksgiving, i was really having a hard time with that. the day wasn’t feeling like thanksgiving, honestly. the most significant part of the day, for me, turns out to be all the food prep—everyone hanging out in the kitchen all day having fun and drinking little cups of eggnog and nibbling.

anyhow, come time for the hippie thanksgiving i was really stressed out, having been mostly alone all day and also having messed up one recipe and not really done another the way i liked. (one turned out fabulously, though.)

my first thanksgiving away from my family, even though i was going the next day to see them, left me feeling lonely. i stood on the stairs and watched everyone mill about and chat and laugh. i wasn’t there three minutes when i was approached by *three* people from three directions simultaneously. it was completely unplanned on their part, and was quite funny, really. it touched me, too. i’m not as much of an outsider as i feel sometimes and they were showing me the truth of that.

‘b’ agreed to take home the dishes and silverware i’d brought and hold on to them for me, since he had a vehicle and space. i’d returned the car i’d borrowed to its owner, and had to catch an 8:30 am flight the next morning, so i was at a loss for how to really get everything back to my place.

after dinner, after after dinner chatting and lingering, we started a movie—rivers and tides. i’m not sure it would have been my choice for an after a huge meal movie, but i have wanted to see it. within five minutes, i started having trouble seeing part of the picture. star was next to me, so i checked her face a couple times. sure enough, her right eye was disappearing.

just what i didn’t need—a migraine!

star was fabulous, though. she offered to walk home next to me with her bike, and when it became clear that i needed to get home faster than that, and might not have really made the walk well, she got a bag of ice for my neck and called a cab to take me home. the ice on my neck was pure genius! honestly, it was so helpful. by this time i was behind that huge veil of fog that makes it so hard for me to communicate with anyone else and she was just bringing me things she thought would be helpful.

she went outside to meet the cab, bustled me in, and then agreed to call me in the morning to make sure i was up for my flight and, the Very Best Part, she also arranged for a cab to come pick me up in the morning to take me to the airport.

it was exactly what i needed, just what i wanted, she totally took care of me.

thanksgiving weekend is almost over. it feels like it’s been ages. much of my life feels that way these days. each day i’m at the office feels like weeks. today’s holiday celebration felt like it was two or three days long. i’m not sure what’s  behind that sort of twisting of time.

thursday was the hippie thanksgiving. my first without my family. i know, here i am at 21* and this is the first thanksgiving i can remember that wasn’t and mom and dad’s. it was a good time overall. i had my reasons for feeling odd and out of place, and family stuff had a lot to do with that but so did several other things. it didn’t really feel like thanksgiving, though. i think it wasn’t just that the food was unfamiliar, but that it wasn’t prepared all together. that’s the part that really makes the holiday for me.

tuns out, as i was missing my traditional food prep experience, my grandmother (who’s beginning to experience a Big Forgetting) was already in florida at mom and dad’s. at one point, she apparently asked my mom, ‘where’s the girl who tears the bread?’**

this last minute trip was absolutely the right decision. and, the bonus of flying on the day after thanksgiving… no one tried to get me to go shopping in the worst shopping day of the year!

there have been some surprises this year. some unexpected things have come up for friends. my heart broke a number of times.

and in the midst of it all, i got exactly what i needed from someone who probably didn’t realize quite how on the mark she was.

and now, the parties are over. i’m in bed on the blow up mattress in the office in florida. tomorrow i’ll teach my dad about wiki and blogger and mailing lists and help him set up a site for his frat buddies.

monday, i fly back to sf. i’ll be home in time to watch a movie. i’m sure it’s too late to organize my friends for sing along sound of music, but i want to see harry potter and rent… and maybe rent would be just right after this weekend of family and friends.

*in hexadecimal

**my role in the preparations has always to been tearing up the bread for the stuffing the night before.

for all y’all who have been asking me why this didn’t work before… i don’t know. i still have to go find where to change the link in the sidebar, but for now just use this link:

http://www.jorah.org/treasure/?feed=rss2

the bus drops me off early enough that i can walk slowly to the station. sometimes i stop for coffee or a bagle, but since i can get a bigger breakfast at work for less money, i try not to do that too often. there’s always something interesting to look at on the walk. today i read the notices posted on the fence around the park. i used to walk through the park when i started this commute, but soon after i decided on this train from this station, they fenced off the entire park. today i found out why and that the people in the neighbourhood are not happy. i’m sure they’ll like the finished product, but in the mean time, they have no where to exercise their dogs.

further up the street, the industrial buildings end and the houses sit instead. edwardian, victorian, i don’t know from architecture but i’m sure they’re set up like most others in the city: each floor it’s own flat so that each house represents more than a family. one house is a very pretty sage green with bluish trim. as i walked past i noticed on the top of the handrail on either side of the front steps was a bluebird. i mean, there were two bluebirds, one on either side of the front porch. the colour of the birds went with the scheme of the house so well it looked like it had almost been planned.

i watched as both birds struggled with full sized, still shelled peanuts. they managed to grab one each and fly off in the same direction, leapfrogging each other from tree to tree.

i walked past the little blues cafe as the bluegrass played on my ipod and i decided not to stop in this morning. i wasn’t too hungry and really felt more inclined toward the toast and jam i could find at work.

as i rounded the corner, a little side table caught my eye. it had been left on the sidewalk, apparently as a gift for whomever wanted it. the legs on one side leaned in toward the middle like it was used to standing somewhere which was a tight sqeeze. the top had been painted with orange bubbles. it seemed a cheery little table which i would have picked up had i not been getting on the train and going to work, or if i had a car to leave it in all day.

i cut the intersection diagonally as a large truck slowly crept up the street to the stop sign on my left. as i stepped out of the shadows beside the buildings a bit of sunlight warmed the back of my jeans.

i assesed the parking situation along the last block leading up to the station. i had my eye on the lined off spaces at the end of the parking lot. they both had cars in them, and i was wondering if it was legal, would they get tickets, and how many motorcycles and scooters could park there if they had parked along the side of the street like many others.

i guess considering the fairness and legality of the parking was what had me looking at the car so closely in the first place. a little, older, white prelude. in fact, a little, older, white prelude with the keys hanging out of the trunk.

i walked up and removed the keys, already trying to figure out where to put them so the owner would find them. what would be obvious to the owner, but not to someone who would want to steal the car? i didn’t have an answer. could i call the dmv and get an address by giving them the licence number? would the give that info to just anyone?

it was about at this point that i remembered the building behind me was the MUNI building. they’re not exactly the cops, but i’m sure they hold a little more credance than a random woman calling up asking for identifying info. i knocked on the door and a man came to open it with a sort of, ‘i probably can’t actually help’ look on his face. he probably thought i wanted directions to a stop or a timetable or something.

i told him about the prelude and handed him the keys. he said the drivers tend to park in those spots, especially when they’re running late. he walked to the car and took down the licence number and thanked me for turning the keys in to him.

i crossed the bridge to the southbound side of the station. as i approached the station entrance, a cab pulled to a slow stop in the street to my right. i glanced over to see a woman in an off white coat, a blue silk scarf, and a ponytail counting out the fair in the backseat.

i wonder if she takes this train every day and was running late today. or is this a one time trip? she didn’t look frazled or rushed so i’m inclined to think it was an uncommon start to her day. how different her morning must have been from mine.

The effect of caffeine on spider web construction.

Caffeine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

scroll down to see these photographs of a drug-naive spider’s web and a caffeinated spider’s web. maybe i should cut back!

what i really want is a super confused, frustrated picture of me tearing my hair out and laughing about it at the same time. but this photo of the yarn untying itself in mid project will have to substitute.

i tried to set up voicemail for sfsc, but the menus on the phone system were too confusing. there is no indication of what layer of the voicemail you’re in. all the set up menus are exactly alike. fine, you can just record your voicemail and upload it into the tree on the web.

fabulous!

except i can’t get my computer to notice my mic. which means i can’t record anything.

*sigh*

ok, well, at least i can set up the wiki, right? wrong. that’s not going smoothly either.

and my plans for this week? most changed almost as fast as i made them. i did get some time in with biomom and sis, thank goodness. sis is in an honour choir who performed in oakland over the weekend. they were great! then we hit the stores. sis loves to shop in sf, who could blame her. i ended up with a skirt for the hippie thanksgiving and a new sweater to replace all the sweaters i’ve been giving away lately.

i’m doing pretty well about giving stuff away. it’s slow going compared to some others, but for me it’s really good. the only thing i miss in 3(?) years of trying to thin out my stuff is the punch bowl. damn if i shouldn’t have kept that!

more baking for thanksgiving. applesauce and death by chocolate. double batches of both if i can find enough dishes to hold them.

i’m totally overwhelmed and worn out. i need a little vacation, but it doesn’t look like one will be coming anytime soon.

feeling confused and foggy. feeling sick doesn’t help things. dharmaqueen called and told me she wished she lived closer so she could bring me soup. i just wish i didn’t wake up with a list ten feet long of things i think i need to be doing instead of resting. then maybe i’d manage to sleep in.

tomorrow…

*fingers crossed*

happy 87th birthday to my grandma!*

my dad’s mom

i used to bake a lot. but, since moving to ca, i haven’t really baked as much. i’m not sure why. gas ovens? small kitchens? there are lots of possibilities.

last weekend, however, i was baking up a storm. i managed applesauce (which i know isn’t actually baking, but it still smells grand), two batches of seven layer bars, turtle cake, and these fun little super easy peanut butter ball cookies that even my wheat allergy friends can eat!

fantastico!

the seven layer bars are the ones i secretly call the ‘hundred dollar cookies’ because it would cost $100 to ship a batch to ireland before they got stale. they went smoothly, as usual. one batch is going to the shambhala community planning potluck tonight. one batch is getting shared between owice and the office.

the peanut butter balls were already eaten by owice, m, and the sunday morning shambhala participants.

the applesauce and the turtle cake are tagged for rs supper club tomorrow night.

my grandpa taught me how to make this applesauce last july; we were lucky to still find the right sort of apples in the store. at that time, he had me quarter the apples top to bottom. yesterday, though, after being prompted by a.h.w.o.s.g., i halved them horizontally first. what a happy surprise. (i think i knew this on some level, but it still felt like a gift.)

that would be homemade applesauce.

from my grandfather’s recipe.

i rock.

there have been a number of things in my life which i just don’t understand. i watch something happen and think to myself, ‘well, that wouldn’t be my choice,’ or, ‘i never thought to do that,’, or sometimes just plain, ‘why in the world is that happening?’

today i had another one of those why in the world experiences. i had my laundry out in piles on my bed, sorting it for being put away.

my cat moved from the sweater (which i grabbed up right away — black sweater + cat hair = no no), to the short sleaved shirts, to the fuzzy thing that needs to be fixed, and finally to the little cheerleader skirt i’d bought for burning man.

i figured once i pulled one thing away he’d just lay on the bed. i mean, the clothes can’t be all that much warmer, right, than the bed, can they? i was amazed and confused when he moved from piece to piece to piece. some of the pieces he wasn’t even sitting on all the way! which means he had to get up from a warmish spot and walk to a cold spot.

and, no, these weren’t fresh out of the dryer warm. they were washed last week or something, and i just never got around to putting them away until today.

when he ended up on the cheerleader skirt, i let him stay. i don’t need it till next burn, and i might give it away since i doubt now i’ll be involved in the project i thought it sort of matched well with. consequently, i figure if he wants to lay on it for a few hours i’ve got plendy–plendy–of time to brush the cat hair off.

plus, it’s polyester, which cat hair doesn’t seem to stick to as well.

• had my one-on-one meeting outside!
• good tea at the global summit
• 00
• car use
• remembered secret code part of vpn password
• screen funkiness didn’t stay
• 24hr allegra

i’ve just finished reading the second book in a month that talked about the group of people we use to support ourselves and how much those people are needed. how horrible it can be when they aren’t there.

‘about a boy‘ talks about those people as a pyramid. ‘a.h.w.o.s.g.‘ refers to them as a latice. either way, i’ve never really noticed much attention given to this topic in this way. sure, in my psych books, but not in fiction or memoirs. at least not this way. maybe it’s been there and i’ve never noticed. maybe it’s just more important to me now.

four years ago i was in a place with an extremely sparse latice. my cheerleaders weren’t in their pyramid formation, though they all did their best to catch me they were too far away~literally in that case.

now i have a latice again, a net, a pyramid to support me even if i wobble. it’s nice. it sure changes things.

i’m sitting at the cafe near my therapists office waiting for it to be time for my appointment. i could whip out the key fob, log into the vpn, and do some work, but somehow i’m not feeling that worky right now.

i’m distracted. very distracted. i’ve lost things and forgotten stuff, and just now i pulled out my headphones, plugged them in, and stuck them in my ears before realizing i was actually sitting right near a speaker playing sort of decent music right here.

my massage yesterday was wonderful. again my wrists and shoulders feel tight, though. good thing i have another scheduled already.

the group of 20somethings at the next table are talking about ‘reality bites’ and one just told the story about a dream she’d had about her (apparently) dead mother. it was really sort of a sad dream, to tell you the truth.

i received a birthday card from my grandma rose yesterday. it included a thank you note for the scarf i knit for her a few months back. mom tells me she was just up there visiting and grandma told her she thought she’d missed some birthdays. so mom told her who she’d missed (mine and one cousin’s) and bought cards for her and helped her remember to write and mail them. mom says she really does want to do it, but can’t remember. ‘the Forgetting is Big,’ says my mom.

it is sad, really. to know she’ll be here physically, but mentally she’ll be gone. just bit by bit she’ll slip away. it’s almost worse, maybe?, than if she had an accident and lost her memory. i’m not sure. it’s got to be breaking my grandfather’s heart, though, i’ll tell you that much.

i look terrible today. i think about it only when i need to go to the bathroom, because that’s where the only unavoidable full length mirror is.

for over a year now, i haven’t checked myself in the mirror when i leave the house. my hair is short enough that i don’t brush it, and i let it dry on the way to work, then i stick a couple clips in it. the clips are a new addition, the hair just recently being long enough. most of the time the clips go in without the aid of a mirror, too.

today was just the same. i’m feeling a little blah, and it’s cold, so i wore some cords. and i like green, so i wore my green turtleneck sweater. but the sweater and these pants go together in a way that makes me look awful and dumpy and… awful!

i didn’t even realize how bad i looked until i went to the bathroom here at work and was faced with that full length mirror on the way out.

mabye i should actually invest in a full length mirror for my house. and use it. or at least sort of do that thing where you stand on the toilet in the bathroom to try to see yourself in the bathroom mirror.

unrelated to the sucky looking issue, i lost my book. somewhere between yesterday on the train and this morning i lost my book. i’m less than five pages from the end, too~ this is not my best week ever.

maybe my lucky flukes will have something to do with accidentally picking clothes that look good on me for the next seven days. that would be nice.

Libra (September 23-October 22)In the 18th century, Horace Walpole coined the word “serendipity” after reading an old fairy tale entitled The Three Princes of Serendip. The heroes of the story, he wrote, “were always making accidental discoveries of things they were not in quest of.” Today “serendipity” has a broader meaning, but I’d like to invoke its original sense in order to provide a preview of what’s ahead for you. I believe you’re about to benefit from a lucky fluke or two. While looking for a certain treasure or revelation, you’ll find a different one.

Free Will Astrology : Libra Horoscope

i’m down for that. maybe i’ll find a diamond bracelet at the gym — oh, but i’d turn it in. maybe i’ll be seriously undercharged for my purchases — oh, but like last saturday, i’d point it out.

smaller, must think of smaller lucky flukes. maybe i’ll find all sorts of great stuff i miss while i’m cleaning my house. maybe i’ll even find a housemate soon (maybe i should start looking if that’s what i want).

stressed and underfed rats ate twice the normal amount of Oreo® cookies, which rats find rewarding

Boing Boing: A Directory of Wonderful Things

i guess this means that since i don’t binge eat i’m not really underfed? ’cause i got the stress part of this equation in spades.

last week there was an article about mice singing to each other before mating. i wrote to my friend who works with hamsters and she said the hamsters do indeed have some ultrasonic noises, but she’s not sure what prompts them. however, she tells me, some people bring bat detectors into the lab to detect the hamster song.

i’ve just realized there is a huge hole in my shirt. i could stick my thumb through this hole. this sucks. we’re supposed to go to a meeting this afternoon with customer care people from other locations and meet people we’ve only met over email so far. and, as if that weren’t enough, this is one of my favourite shirts.

oh, sewing machine, why didn’t i learn to use you better so i could do something creative and save this shirt?

i feel like i left my house days ago. not that much has happend differently than any other day, it just feels like i was on the train forever. like, like, i’ve been traveling and traveling and traveling in some country where no one speaks my language and i don’t understand the customs. where i’m an outsider and would do best to sit quietly reading in my seat and not cause trouble. it’s best to have my ticket on hand for prompt display if anyone asks.

tired, and lonely, and wishing i could nest somehow. somewhere, i’ve lost my traveling companion. it feels like he got to keep traveling and i had to go to work, had to be responsible, so he put me on the train days ago and i don’t have any way to get back or find him again. he’s in a different world now and i’m on my own.

——-

j, the baby upstairs, screamed for a long time last night. it’s getting worse. it can’t be easy for k and l, his parents, or his brother, a, who has to share a room with him. i actually dreamed that k&l sent a down to sleep with me because it was quieter and would be easier on him.

that was before i woke up and realized how bad it had gotten. this crying for an hour or so in the middle of the night started a few weeks ago. then it was only fussing, sort of half hearted crying. i thought it had something to do with k being away for the weekend. but now it’s horrible, heartbreaking cries. like he’s having night terrors or desperately alone somehow. i don’t understand it. i know k&l would do something if they could, but what to do.

tonight i hope i’ll get a massage. my shoulder is out of sorts and my hand is a little numb. i’ve got another one scheduled for a week and a half from now. it might be a sign that my schedule is too full if i can’t even work in things i need to do to take care of myself.