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if there were ever a day for this to be true, i wouldn’t mind it being today. though, i should be careful what i wish for, it implies goodness, but doesn’t really say so specifically. there are some things up in the air which i’ve been waiting for answers on, but the answers could go either way.
Put your seat in the upright position and lock up your tray table: You’re due for some quite surprising news — and not a moment too soon. This, friend, is the news you’ve been waiting for. Smile.
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she rallied just under the wire. the doctors said she had to show an improvement by sunday night, and she waited and waited till sunday night to do it, too! but, she was extabated yesterday and continues to do well on her own. she’s talking, knows who everyone is, and is slowly but steadily improving.
go grandma!
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she’s in the icu.
mom’s gone to ohio. we’re all nervous and jumping at every phone call.
more later.
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i get mean when i answer requests sometimes. they are very good for my practice. it isn’t as if they are all bad, but every so often … sigh. i have a low tollerance for people who don’t read the instructions, then get all upset with me when things don’t turn out just the way they want.
luckily, my new cube mate is the new web developer. i can force the instructions. it won’t stop people skipping them, but it will probably help some of it.
now this mean sparkle who’s had a very good day in general is heading out to a solstice supper with flo and some of her friends. back to the sparkle in love.
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last year at this time i remember having the distinct feeling of being absolutely head over heels in love with the whole world. it was a remarkable feeling which i was in awe of, yet had no expectation it would stick around for very long in the grand scheme of things.
today i’m noticing it’s starting to come back. the christmas tree in the cafe where i’m working is just that much prettier. the earl grey is that much yummier and more comforting, snail mail and emails from friends… i’m being cracked open left and right today.
all for no particular reason. isn’t that always the best?
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i’ve known this cat for a while now. i used to think maybe she didn’t like me much. sort of like i was tollerated, but that was all. then, i started feeding her to get on her good side. not just feeding her her normal food, but her extra special wet food that she loves so much.
however, this saturday i went over to her place for the afterparty. ‘b’ wasn’t home yet, but there were other people hanging around. i sat down on the floor in the living room, and alley came right up to me and started head butting my hand. i petted her and she flopped down on her side, demanding more and more petting and love from me. i felt like i’d won a kitty oscar.
she likes me! she really really likes me!
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friday was the hippie party. our largest yet, and a beautifully decorated event. we’re back in a church twice a year, and this was one of the church events.
i stood in the hall early in the night and was struck by the difference between this celebration and the first one i ever attended. st john’s is a much smaller church, and i thought that was part of what made everyone seem like they were so at home there. i felt this strange cross between being somewhere awesome and sacred and being in the living room of someone very welcoming and loving.
i remember having an idea that one must really be involved to be part of the crew who put this all together. the planners and volunteers must have been central to the community, and what a great honor it must be to be chosen to lead or help out for such a celebration. i wondered if i’d ever be trusted that much, by myself or by the community.
this past friday, four and a half years later, after celebrations where it was hard to find my footing, celebrations i missed and cried all night in my bed at home for missing them, celebrations i’d invited friends to, celebrations where i held space and created space, i finally finally felt like a host. not because of the part i’d been asked to uphold, not because i had a guest, but for some other undefinable reason. it was just there. i suppose i finally relaxed into it. this was a gift *my* community was giving to ourselves and to our friends and families.
this is my community. it is a fruition of the seeds planted at st. johns back in june of 2001.
sitting in the sanctuary for the closing ceremony listening to the organ play the occasional heart opening deep note, held just for a moment once or twice, i saw how this community is like that piece of music. so much happening, so much going on, light and playful toddlers, light and playful adults, and every so often a moment that breaks you open and lets in the awesome. it’s always those deep deep notes that do it for me, like the cello out on the playa on the night of the temple burn.
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yesterday it seemed most things i attempted didn’t quite work the way i hoped. so, here’s this to remind me that it’s not all thwarted plans.
gratitude
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Restless legs syndrome (RLS, or Wittmaack-Ekbom’s syndrome, which is not to be confused with Ekbom’s syndrome) is a poorly understood and often misdiagnosed neurological disorder characterized by unpleasant or painful sensations in the body’s extremities and an overwhelming urge to move them. Moving the limbs provides temporary relief for this chronic condition. Symptoms are often discernable in early childhood, and may become disabling in later life, particularly due to sleep deprivation.
Restless legs syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
damn. it’s back. for all the other reasons people tell me i need a wife, this one tops the list: i need someone to rub my legs like my mommy did when i was little.
it’s funny that the article claims most people think they’re the only person. i remember sorting out in college that i was, in fact, the only person i knew with this. i’d said something about, ‘you know how your legs hurt when it’s time for bed…’ and they just looked at me. i got that a lot at that school.
leg aches = time for bed.
tomorrow is our hippy party, and aj’s funeral (which i’ll be missing since it’s in ohio). i’ll print out a photo of her and put it on our high alter. i’ll also make some crispy treats, last featured in a note my brother left me for my thanksgiving visit to florida.
last night we had another visitor. i’d determined, by catching hem in the act, that someone else was sharing galahad’s food. now i’ve moved his bowl into my bedroom, but last night was awoken by a disagreement about who exactly was allowed on the back porch. galahad seemed to think the little black cat should not be there, and the little black cat seems to hold the same theory in regard to galahad.
i got there before there were any claws shown or paws swatted. galahad followed hem out, but came back a few minutes later. it wasn’t too long before i heard the little one scrounging through some plastic bags, and galahad jumped up to escort hem out again.
at least i know who our visitor is now.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): When T.S. Eliot wrote the first draft of his famous poem “The Waste Land,” it was about a thousand lines long. Wondering if maybe it was too sprawling, he asked another poet, Ezra Pound, to edit it. Pound crossed out more than half of the original, and Eliot published it in that slimmed-down form. I encourage you to locate your own personal equivalent of Ezra Pound right now, Libra. You need help in extracting your future masterpiece from the dross in which it’s still half-buried.
does anyone have any dross cutting ideas for me? i would love to be extracted.
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aj died yesterday evening. i got a call in the morning telling me the hospital had called and wanted to take her off life support. mom asked them to wait until she was in to do so. she and her sisters and brother made the decision together. they turned off everything except the morphine drip, which they turned up to make sure she wouldn’t wake up and wouldn’t be uncomfortable.
i was supposed to be on my way to see a movie with a friend, but it didn’t seem right to be in the movie when they were turning off her life support. i hung out in his kitchen and watched him make soup instead. four hours later i still hadn’t gotten the call from ohio, so we went to the movie anyway. i was making myself crazy just sitting and waiting and not knowing what to do or say to anyone.
i got a call from my mom within the first five minutes of the movie, then my dad and brother called me about 15 minutes later. (i was in a seat which allowed me a quick and easy exit to take these calls.) i cried and the movie was just what i needed, i think. i just needed that distraction.
after the movie, we went back to eat the prevously made soup, i had to set mine aside to cry for a little bit. there are so many aspects to her passing. the fear i know she was feeling, her age (95!), my mom being point person for this decision, how much more real losing the rest of the grandparents seems now… ugh.
after the soup, we watched episode after episode of lost. again, i enjoyed having something else to focus on. it was really just what i needed.
i won’t be able to make it to ohio for the service, which i’m sorry for. instead, i’ll put a photo of her up on the alter at our hippie party this friday.
goodbye, aj. i love you.
We’re proud to announce that del.icio.us has joined the Yahoo! family.
why wasn’t this on our internal website? i just moments ago checked it, and there was nothing. however, scroll down a smidge on boingboing, and there it is. news much?
*****
aj update
she made it through the night, again surprising doctors and family members. except for me. apparently i’m the only one who remembers this woman is realated to grandma grape, who nearly died a dozen times before she actually left. my grandmother (grandma grape’s daughter and aj’s niece) also is a ‘miracle baby’ according to her doctor from five or so years ago. these are hearty folk. again, i find myself wishing i had some of their genes. 
although, now her kidneys are failing. it is only a matter of days. about two, most likely.
it seems so unreal because she’s always always looked the same to my brother and i. she seemed to never age, so the joke was that she’d never die. but, of course, that couldn’t be true and now we’re faced with it. even though we *knew* it was never true, i think maybe there was a part of me that hoped i’d get to share her with my children or community someday.
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my aunt jeanie is in the icu. i got a call yesterday around 4:30 saying they’d taken her to the hospital and another at 7:30 telling me she had been transferred to the icu.
i just spoke with my mom; aj is getting worse. her heart is functioning normally but her lungs are white on an x-ray. they should be black if they’re full of air. my mom had called and asked to speak to the doctor when she was on her way to the airport to go to her next business meeting. when she heard this, she changed her flight and cancelled her meeting. she requested (ordered, mom’s the doctor of the family even if she’s an rn officially) a pulmonary consult. this was what saved my grandmother 5 or 6 years ago when she was having a similar problem in reaction to one of her heart meds—having a pulmonologist assigned to the case. she requested it over the phone because the 4 hours it will take her to get to the hospital could be critical.
mom says she figures they see 95 and figure they should just let the patient go, but aj is a feisty 95 and deserves a chance.
i’ll try to find a picture of her later. she is my grandmother’s aunt (which makes her my great great aunt), but is only six years older than grandma. they were raised more like cousins or sisters than aunt/niece. my brother and i have several memories of aj, the most remarkable thing about her was how she always always looked the same. the woman never seemed to age untill the last 3 years or so. she never learned to drive and only had an elementary school education, but she lived on her own and walked or took busses all over town until just a few years ago. she worked at goodyear with my dad when he and my mom were dating. she tells a story of walking to work with him and him stopping to look in a jewelry store window at rings. she remembers asking if he was thinking of getting married and not knowing he was dating her grand niece. (my dad says it’s untrue, the reason he was anything more than cordial with aj was that she was related to mom, she used to be aggressive on the floor of the factory and would swear and pick fights with the other women, who were afraid of her.)
my two most vivid memories were of trying on her shoes when she came to visit us in texas. they were huge on my little four year old feet! and her leaning over the table in ohio at grandma and grandpa’s house loudly encouraging me to, ‘mangia! mangia!’
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go here to light a candle (virtually, obviously) and $1 is dontated to aids research: light to unite
read the medecins sans frontieres/doctors without borders newsletter about children living with aids: msf
