A Treasure Found at Home

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “Mirrors should think longer before they reflect,” said French filmmaker Jean Cocteau. That’s especially true for you this week, Libra. You shouldn’t automatically believe every bit of feedback about yourself that comes your way, either from mirrors or any other source. Be skeptical of every image that people have of you, and don’t sit there passively while they barrage you with their expectations. In order to further upgrade your integrity (a project I hope you’re in the midst of), you may have to make yourself immune, at least temporarily, to what everyone thinks of you.

i find this horoscope really funny in light of the johari window (below) i set up. of course you’ll feel great if you create one of these, hardly any of the adjectives are unflattering. they have a nohari window, too, with all negative adjectives. i declined to participate in that part because i realized my own inability to pick five or six of those strongly negative adjectives for others. it seems like a more neutral johari window is really what’s in order.

but, back to not buying into every bit of feedback which is tossed my way.

saturday night i was at a dance party at a friend’s house. i’m pretty much tired all the time these days, so i ended up curling up on a loveseat and dozing off. ‘b’ woke me not long after i’d dozed off telling me he was ready to leave whenever i was (and to needle me just a little for falling asleep next to the dance floor — how is that even possible). apparently this was just the opening needed to invite some others to come over and comment on my sleeping. wombat’s comment was sweet and quick–nice. but then this tall shirtless man came over, we’ll call him marfan.

marfan asked me to dance, and i declined on the grounds that i had just woken up. apparently he heard this as an invitation to sit down. he started talking about the fruit on my outfit. we managed to identify all the pictures but one. at that point he started not just touching my clothes, but rubbing my arms and legs. he made some comment about how that was the way i should always be woken up. i agreed it could be nice and thought to myself how ‘b’ had in fact just woken me by rubbing my arm in our fast-becoming-typical wake-each-other-at-parties way we have.

still groggy, i let marfan start doing some sort of chair based contact improv with my arm. you’d think it would be a signal that i wasn’t that into him when i didn’t unfold all the rest of me, but he seemed not to notice or care. instead he took my other arm and unfolded it and tried to stretch my legs out. then the started rubbing his face on my arm!

do you notice something? notice the huge lack of conversation? why isn’t she telling us what he said, you’re thinking. well, because after the brief ‘what is this fruit?’ and ‘it would be nice to be woken up like this all the time’ he didn’t say anything. nothing. no. thing. especially not, ‘i’m marfan, do you mind if i rub you?’

it was at the face rubbing point that i started shifting around and unfolding. he clearly saw this as a good sign and made some space for me to unfold. as i stood, he settled further back into the sofa/bigchair/loveseat thing and patted the space beside him for me to cuddle up in.

i said no.

i did my best to ignore him the rest of the night and although he tried to engage with me again before i left, still never even bothered to tell me his name.

later i was telling my housemate about the experience. i told him that throughout the whole thing i was reticent to really strongly push marfan away and tell him to lay off and stop bothering me. i felt like not returning his petting and by leaving the chair and turning my back on him on more than one occasion and cuddling up with someone else all should have been signals that i wasn’t interested.

the thing that was holding me back was the desire not to be seen as a bitch. in fact, the night before someone had asked to kiss me and i’d simply said no with no hard feelings on either side. clearly it can be done nicely, but it’s easier when the other person is communicative.

sure, i have my sensitivities, but if you actually talk to me before you put your hands all over me i might actually LIKE it when we get to that point. so, the thing i need to remember in the future is this: why do i care if someone who has no respect for my boundaries thinks i’m a bitch for telling him about where they are and that he may not cross them?

all this to say i’m working on that integrity and working on shoring myself up to not let it slide based on what other people want from my and what they think when i don’t act in accordance. not just in situations like i described above, that was just the most recent, but in all aspects of my life. it’s just easier and more fulfilling to live and act in integrity.