A Treasure Found at Home

i’ve got that broken hearted feeling again. i recognize it, sort of, as very closely related to that broken heartedness i feel so much and hear so much about in shambhala. this time, it’s not so welcome and not so easy to walk around with.

work is overwhelming. house hunting… i don’t even think about it because i don’t have the time or energy and the date of dad’s visit is getting closer and closer.

what makes this broken heart so much harder than she shambhala flavour is that this one comes with longing. it comes with desire for something specific to happen, for desire for something i just don’t have anymore.

see, ‘b’ and i used to be really close. we hung out once or twice a week, watched movies, had dinner, really hung out. and when i spent time with him, even if it was just chatting while he tried to get his ‘project computer’ up and running, i could set everything down.

and, as they have a tendency to do, things change. i’ve been pissy and frustrated and i’ve been creating distance.

i no longer have a place where i can go to set things down. i feel run ragged and like everyone expects me to be perfect at… well, not at everything, but at least at something; and that something is different for everyone so i end up feeling like if i’m not being perfect i’m letting someone down.

and in the meantime, i guess i’m letting me down.

but i don’t know what to ask for. or, i don’t know who to ask it of. actually, its quite a bit of both those. and i know it boils down to me spending more time on the cusion and leaning into things and watching my shenpa and letting those stories fall away.

at the same time, i just want someone to wrap me up in a blanket and hold me.