565
growing up?
i rid my house of *two* truckfuls of extra, un-needed stuff this weekend.
sunday i loaded the truck i borrowed from sp guy with a huge amount of clothes for the clothing swap later that day. these girls had no idea what they were in store for when they invited me!
i had breakfast in the brand newly opened deboce park cafe. it’s smaller, but feels roomier, than the dolores park cafe. it’s a side effect of the sleeker furniture and lighter coloured wood, i’m sure. there were a huge number of families and dogs. one little girl was obsessed with grabbing the candy/energy bars they had stocked at infant/toddler height. mom was not as amused and told her, ‘you don’t want those.’ … wrong! she wanted them very much!!
fortified with yumminess i headed over to e’ville to check out some open houses. one agent tried to tell me that the market was going UP, and proof of that was how many units they’d sold last month. i failed to see the direct correlation. he also had no idea about pet restrictions in the building. this was the selling agent, people!
whatever, they were 10 year old properties anyhow. i’m more interested in new construction.
as i drove around from open house to open house, i felt myself becoming less and less excited about the whole prospect of looking. not so much less excited about having a nice place to live, but just … i’m not sure. a reallly heavy feeling strikes me when i have to talk about the search and how it’s going and what i’m looking for and what i have it narrowed down to.
part of that is that i’m not finding just exactly what i want where i want it. part of it is the feeling of being in between worlds. one foot in the grown up, nice things world, and one in the still a kid world. actually, i feel like it’s closer to just a few toes in the grown up world. i feel like i’m faking it, and someone’s bound to notice.
but, of course, not my friends who don’t own their own houses or wear diamonds. they’re all going to think i’m rich. they’re going to think i think myself too good for them and they’ll stop hanging out with me.
oh, no, i’ll be discovered by the other young (yet grown up) people in my building who will have bought their condos, sports cars, and diamonds on their own. they’ll ask me to the opera and some fancy night club and fancy dinner, and i’ll have to say no. and they’ll see i’m just a fake, it’s all an act, and they’ll stop hanging out with me, too.
what’s that? oh, you think i don’t know it’s all in my imaginiation? you think i don’t see how this maps so closely on to the uber-common grad student i’m not good enough story?
somehow, that doesn’t make it go away any easier, though.
guess it’s just part of growing up.
October 24th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
i love your feet pictures! so cute!
October 25th, 2006 at 11:02 am
the beautiful thing about owning your own house is being able to change whatever you want and do whatever you want in the house, ‘cuz it belongs to YOU.
It’s always a trade-off you know, growing up. On the one hand you have to remind yourself that no matter how cute you think those shoes are in Hot Topic, if you wear them to the PTA meeting, you will NEVER be taken seriously. But on the other hand, you get to paint a mural on your wall and not have to worry about covering it up when the landlord comes over. There are days I would trade my membership in the homeowners association for the ability to dance in the rain–but there are other days, when I tuck the kids into bed in THEIR room, and turn off the lights in OUR hallway, and then climb into MY bed in MY room, that I think…yeah. It’s okay.
October 26th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
dude, you need to move to the bay area where grown ups are expected to dance in the rain and wear cute shoes from hot topic. really, hot topic is where i bought my manager’s wedding gift!