December 2006
Monthly Archive
i’m getting ready to leave the house for a new year’s eve brunch with some community members. it will be a small, intimate gathering. pretty much exactly what i’m in the mood for tonight, but might not get. we’ll see — i’m still undecided. anyone have a small, quiet party going on they don’t mind me joining in on?
last year at this time i was clutching my phone waiting for the call that would tell me my grandmother was dead. it didn’t come until june 30th but the stroke was on christmas eve last year.
thankfully there are no recent or impending family deaths this year.
i took friday as a vacation day from work. it just didn’t seem worth it to go in for one day. plus, i find i frequently feel i need a vacation after my vacation.
i treated myself to oatmeal at the deboce park cafe. yum yum, and s’s housemate was working that morning at the cafe. she chatted with me across the counter as i took pictures of my fruit.
i love to sit at this cafe and watch the neighborhood pass by the windows. there are groups of 20something girls gossiping, people walking their dogs, families with young children. on friday i saw a shirtless man walking past the window. he caught my eye because while it was a sunny day, it wasn’t particularly warm.
he walked as if he were sure of where he was going. he had curly dark hair still a bit messy, hanging free just above his shoulders. i wondered if the choice of gray cargo pants and no shirt were some sort of challenge to the rest of the city. see me? i’m strong. i don’t need a hat and scarf and sweater! the sun will warm my skin as god intended.
he reached the corner and walked around to the driver’s side of the car parked there. i saw him lift the windshield wiper and place something under it in one fluid motion. then he turned and walked just as briskly home.
huh?
s’s housemate set a sandwich down next to me and came around the counter for her break. i described the man, and she had noticed him too. she said she saw that he was not wearing shoes, either. he walked in his socks and pants alone.
then i told her about the car and him leaving something on it. we decided to check it out. she thought the car belonged to someone working at the cafe that morning.
when she finished her meal we went to investigate. from the door we could see a traffic ticket of some sort under the wiper. i went around a picked it up, feeling somewhat nosy. what if this was really a ticket for this car? what if the man hadn’t really been messing with the car at all?
i flipped open the ticket and looked at the license number. it started with four and i’m sure as i passed the car i’d seen that plate started with five. sure enough, when i checked again, they were different numbers. then i looked more closely. it was a $50 ticket for another car for blocking street cleaning at 8:27am the day before on the cross street!
he just wanted someone else to pay it for him, the jerk.
so, we tossed it. and, in a few weeks he’ll get another copy in the mail.
it makes me wonder how often he’s done that, though. he sure didn’t seem to pause for thought the whole time i was watching him. also, i’m double checking all my tickets from now on. not that i never read them before, but now i’ll be doubly sure to go over them.
this holiday season i bought a new camera for myself. the old one died a sad sad death. it’s like it has camera aphasia. all the insides work, but it can’t communicate with the outside world. it needs to have a little button pushed down (and held down) in order to turn (and stay) on. the bits that do that don’t work anymore.
matt managed to get it to turn on by jamming a tooth scraper (like you find at the dentist) into the little button, but that seems awkward for actually taking photos.
so, no new clothes or books or brick a brack for me until after i pay off my credit card with my tax return. looks like i’ll be filing early this year.
good thing i have a new camera to entertain myself until i’m allowed to buy stuff again.
make a wish, just post a comment on the website at the link, and $1 will be donated to charity. $1,000,000 : 1,000,000 wishes. easy-peasy.
we landed at 3-something
the flight was at 7ish
delayed to 8:30
delayed again till 10:45
i’m hanging out near the kid’s area. some kid came up crying to his mom, ‘those kids are mean to me!’
mom said, ‘hey! we don’t cry if someone’s mean to us. what happened?’ (not in a soothing way)
kid, ‘hi hit me.’
mom, ‘well, if someone hit you, you hit ‘em right back!’
great lesson, mom.
i’m in atlanta waiting for a delayed flight to florida. i tried to get on to an earlier flight with an affiliate airline, but the woman behind the counter was unable to help me. in fact, she told me they didn’t fly there. i pointed to the sign behind her and said, ‘it says right there…’ she blushed, ‘oh, so it does.’
i still hadn’t eaten, and couldn’t get a hold of my parents to ensure there would be anyone to pick me up on an earlier flight, so i dropped the project.
now i’ve eaten a little, talked to mom, haven’t seen bro or his girl, and am feeling really crap-tastic about my ex-women’s circle memebers. i donated in all their names to a local, small cause where the amount i had to spend could really make a difference. in return i received two thank yous and no acknowledgment at all from the other three. then, after a few uncomfortable moments — and being “tactfully” told by someone that she would have to double check if i would be welcome at an event because the woman i argued with over a month ago (who still won’t speak to me except to interrupts another conversation) would be there — i wrote what was for me a difficult email about how i felt in regard to the whole issue. basically, i asked everyone not to walk on eggshells on my account. if everyone was going to react to it, but no one was going to ask me about how i actually felt, i figured i’d better tell them.
one person wrote to me thanking me for putting myself out there. no one else said anything.
and now, another woman who is part of that circle has also donated in all our names. and she received very public thank yous from all the other women in the circle.
i feel like i’m being snubbed for having had a disagreement with someone “in ranks” and also for leaving the circle. this whole don’t speak up and hope someone magically knows why they’re being snubbed sure doesn’t work for me. looks like i really made the right choice. i’m disappointed, but only the smallest bit surprised.
i wrote a wonderfully phrased, witty post about unintentionally ending up eating lunch just up the street from the surgeon’s office where i have an appointment later today. the office i’ve never been to and didn’t look up on the map before i left the house. the post sung the glories of my locator gene.
i also ate lunch in a valley — with poor cellular reception — and i’m impatient. i accidentally clicked too many buttons in just the wrong order to delete the post.
that should teach me something about patience, eh?
last night i went to the sing-along grease at the castro theatre. so much fun! we sat in the third row, ’smoked’ our cardboard cigs, pomed our pom-poms, and sang our voices out.
i’d heard earlier shows had the audience up and dancing in the isles. this was certainly encouraged, but maybe the wednesday before a major holiday is just too exhausting. i know the travel prep in my house and at work is taking a lot of my energy. anyhow, i think i saw three dancers in our performance. the group i was with all danced in our seats; and the guy behind me laughed and laughed at the dances the actors were doing on screen. it’s like he’s never seen any of them — maybe he hadn’t.
i wore my sparkley green poodle skirt. a girl only has so many chances to wear that sort of thing, ya know, and full advantage must be taken of every opportunity. 
the print they were showing was made for sing-alongs. the words to all the songs were written on the screen. all the words. to all the songs. even when they sing ‘for he’s a jolly good fellow’!
so i posted his general overarching feeling for the end of the year, but here’s specifically what he has to say for me.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Please note this column is good for two weeks. Your next bundle of horoscopic goodies will be posted on Tue Jan 2 07… and in the meantime, I need a breather. Cheerio! In this season, it’s always appropriate to do a little year-in-review (witness all those ‘Best of’ Lists infecting your favorite music, movie, TV and book info-sources)… and it’s particularly apt for revisiting the simple formula for ’success, happiness and all that jazz’ I offered you back in January. Revisit now. Did you allow your true unique self to speak out in ‘06, reaffirming who your real friends are, and removing those who aren’t from the premises… consequently aligning yourself with the network of allegiances most appropriate to what you want in life? In continuing to address that question in 2007, you’ll groove on engaging in lots more social activity, exposing yourself to a kaleidoscope of varying acquaintances and environments, to determine if there’s some nearby milieu or medium you’ve been missing out on. The easiest way to sell yourself short is by sticking with where you are—and who you’re there with—by simple default, rather than by having consciously chosen it. Even if you end up deciding your current crowd is exactly the right one for you, you’ll want to try out other things, just to be sure. These next couple weeks, with all the opportunities for egg-nog-and-mulled-wine-inspired social exchange, are an ideal time to experiment with a more brazen lack of discretion. Say whatever’s on your mind, rather than the most ‘appropriate’ (i.e., totally predictable) thing. Don’t worry about how others will perceive you. How can you know who really likes you, anyhow, if you’re always playing to what you think they want to hear? Plus, you’re way more interesting than that.
funny that just before i read this i was chatting with someone about my new year’s eve plans and about not doing the thing i originally thought i wanted to do.
work already is crazy. but, b just gave us all cake.
- free music from new artists
- caroling
- hot buttered rum
- hitting the high notes
- southern comfort in a flask
- kitty sitter
- surprise resume filling experience (who knew i owned that list? i didn’t.)
- digital photography
- beautiful fog banks along the reservoir this morning
- 5.5 lb coffee cake
- catching up with c who’s in town from ky.
- hanging out in the kitchen
last night i tagged along on a caroling party. i was sure this was just a bunch of friends getting together blah blah blah. next thing i knew someone was asking, ‘ok, who are the altos?’ what?!?
i ended up singing soprano. it was all my asthma meds would let me sing. much lower and my voice would crack.
we had a great time. hot buttered rum was supplied to warm us. we were happily greeted almost everywhere we went. after that first house turned their lights OFF when we rang their doorbell and started to sing. whatever, we stood there and sang anyhow; we didn’t want anything from them.
one woman asked us to sing ‘o holy night’ because it was her favourite. she was already feeling emotional and she ended up pretty teary.
we sang silent night a number of times, which was always well received. one man was driving up gurrero as we crossed the street. he stopped in the middle of the intersection and put on his hazzards. we sang silent night for him in honour of his cousin who was murdered a few weeks ago.
just as we reached the steps of the liberty lounge, a mother and daughter caught up with us. they’d seen us walking with our candles and guessed correctly that we were carolers. mom parked up the street and they ran down to catch us. they were, i believe, catholic. the little girl had a couple requests and sang along with us. she knew all the words. she knew more words than we did!
we all hung out in the warm warm house for a while to thaw out, then ctg drove me home. after all, it was a sunday night and i still had work in the morning.
star has gotten me interested in reading not only free will astrology (which directly speaks to my fear of needles this week) but also this australian guy, barry.
this week he goes on about fucktards and taking a stand. seems to fit pretty well my dealings with housemate*, “girlfriend”**, and sp-guy***.
Along their way, though, these planets in Sagittarius have also squared off against Uranus in Pisces, the grand shit-disturber of the solar system who loves an erratic, rebellious turn of events. Thanks to the tense Uranus aspects, perhaps we mouth off before we’ve heard the whole story… ready, at the slightest provocation, to toss our dirty dishes in the junkheap and set off for greener pastures. ‘Screw off!’ we yell behind us, as the door slams shut, loud and jarring. Chances are, someone is bearing witness to the ruckus we’ve made.
So if maybe we’re being a little bit rash, let’s also be thankful for the instigating act or affront. If we hadn’t heard the whole story before, then isn’t this our chance now? You’ve already had your stomping-and-storming fit. (And it felt damn good, didn’t it?) There’s nothing left to lose. Might as well listen to their side, tell ‘em everything you’ve been holding back… and let the cards fall wherever they may. But not without a good purge.
With Pluto holding court in the final degrees of Sagittarius, one last year (’07) left in its 12-year transit through the sign, every other Sagittarian body must pass through a Pluto conjunction on its way out. That means our loose-lipped, fast-talking bursts of Sagittarian freedom also hold a deeper purpose—to push the whole ugly truth to the surface. Sometimes it takes an impulsive expulsion of impatience (angst-ridden or otherwise) to raise a topic that our previous, more polite attempts at tackling haven’t quite gotten at.
read the whole, fun, no bullshit, stand-inspiring column here.
i ran into a foaf at the andc friday. we spent some time talking and the conversation came around to relationships. i mentioned i really probably shouldn’t be dating anyone right now. i’m feeling awfully aggressive and even less inclined than usual to take anyone’s bullshit.
and you know what? i’ve really been enjoying reading now that my schedule is more open. it might be a little lonely sometimes, but i really feel lighter. now i’ve got room in my life for people who fill more than just my need to be helpful.
now, i have been tempted to yell ’screw you!’ to all three of these people, and have been awfully proud that i haven’t crossed that line. though i have been called mean by “girlfriend” for (apparently) not letting her pout, but i’ve been called mean for a hell of a lot worse so i’m really ok with that.
mean is something i’m really good at, and something i’ve been trying to avoid since i moved to cal. it’s like smoking (from what i’ve seen of smokers). i know i shouldn’t, and i know it only makes things worse, but sometimes it feels so good. i know from mean, and i haven’t been mean, except perhaps a tiny bit when i lost my temper with sp guy. and i didn’t even really get warmed up before i cut myself off there.
you other “mean” girls out there know what i’m talking about.
—
* i think i addressed this in an earlier post.
** quotations because we never dated, but i got teased like a jr high boy over how often she called me, etc. i frequently heard, “don’t you have to call your girlfriend?”
*** the question with him isn’t the same as the other two. we just reached an impasse and i’m sick of trying to “work out” what just won’t change.
when housemate moved out early with a couple hours’ warning, he left his bed which i told him not to leave and his ugly ugly lamp which i told him not to leave and a pile of other things he didn’t really ask me about.
wednesday of last week i called the dump and scheduled a bulk/junk pick up. unfortunately they don’t take “recyclable” things. not thing for recycling, but things goodwillish companies would take, so i still have the ugly ugly lamp no one wants but the bed is finally gone and i have my living room back! hooray!
today i clean up the last of the other things he left, take the u.u. lamp and some other u.u. candle holder glass plate thing with angles (dude, really, even in my brief ‘angels are so pretty’ stage i would have believed this to be ugly) and a couple blankets to out of the closet. i’ll treat myself to a nice lunch at deboce park cafe, return star’s saver from last night, then come home and move back into my living room!
but that’s not all. there’s even more news from the first level of maslow’s hierarchy.
mom retired friday! she’ll work through the end of the month, then some time in mid january she’ll fly out here and help me find a place to live. a nice, warm, clean place to live. which will be all my own. well, mine and the bank’s. at least, that’s the plan. we’ll see what really happens.
i don’t really enjoy cleaning, especially when it’s so cold in the basement here that all i want to do is curl up under the covers and read, but i know the whole place will feel better once i get to spread out again.
i wish this time mr. brezsney were more off base.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There are three kinds of darkness: (1) pathology and evil; (2) the mysterious unknown; (3) the shadowy, unripe parts of our psyches that are on their way to becoming more interesting and useful but are still awkward and inarticulate. I believe that you can help prevent outbreaks of the first kind of darkness by developing a closer personal relationship with the second and third types. This would be a good time for you to do just that, Libra.
let me tell you, i am doing just exactly that. gulp.
is there a way to just rip the audio from this? i’d love to play this while i’m trying to clean my house. i’m still not sure if i’m horrified by it or not. i think it’s growing on me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mdMb6bRXt4
at least it’s no strawberry shortcake*.
*if you must know, i’ll send you the recording. don’t say i didn’t warn you, though.
i got tagged to write a post concerning six weird things about me.
i’m sure there’s nothing that will surprise you.
1) i don’t cook. really. almost never. if i do it’s spaghetti or lasagna, and that’s just a couple times a year.
2) i like to be touched on the knee or arm or shoulder or hand or something before i’m kissed. i wouldn’t *think* this would be weird, but the number of guys who’ve gone in for a kiss without any touching first makes me think otherwise.
3) the sound/smell of nitrous makes me start to panic. (too many teeth pulled as a child)
4) i can’t spell, or do arithmetic, but i’m a great reader and do fairly well at math (yes, there’s a difference between arithmetic and math — like spelling and writing a story). i’ve been in honors programs and remedial programs at the same time, though ‘they’ could never pinpoint my learning disability.
5) at least 75% of the time i identify as male in my mind. (though i’ve been told that if only my skull is located thousands of years from now by anthropologists, they’ll assume i was female.)
6) i missed only two question on the analytical section of the GRE back in ‘96. this part of the test doesn’t exist anymore, so you’ll have to go to the grocery store and pick up a book of logic puzzles to see what the questions were like.
squid’s on the move again. this time she’s helping a teen raise money to go on the sojourn project. from their website:
Sojourn to the Past offers a diverse group of students, educators and parents the chance to travel for ten days though the South visiting the most dramatic sites and hearing the speakers that first witnessed and created the Civil Rights Movement.
squid explains the whole thing better than i can, since she actually knows amy (the teen in question).
do you really need another smelly candle, another slutty santa suit, another pot of body glitter? put your money toward something more long lasting, a teen’s education. donate here and be part of change!
i’ve never been an ‘angry’ feminist. i don’t think accusing everyone who happens to be walking past of disagreeing with you is really the way to change minds. i know, that’s hyperbole. but i do think that *looking* for anti-feminist behaviour is the fastest way to find it in places it doesn’t really exist.
however, i have always felt free to tell people they were being silly when they said i couldn’t (A)sort books, B)play trombone, C)walk to the cafe alone, D)all of the above) because i was a girl.
(answer: D)
for the most part i thought my peers were fairly well in line with what i believe about women being people first and female as an aside. over the past year or so i’ve started to look at that assumption more closely. i was floored when a friend of mine told me he didn’t think twice about my sexual preferences, he was sure i was only into women. obviously so because i didn’t giggle or flirt with all the men in the room; i didn’t dress sexy. apparently it just never crossed his mind that i didn’t do that because i didn’t want to sleep with any of *those* men for a variety of reasons beyond their sex (for example, he is married), or that i didn’t want to be seen as a sex object. that i asked him about his work and had what i considered a pretty decent conversation about science i thought would signal that i was intelligent, not gay.
i’ve also noticed a number of women in my community doing things i interpret as objectifying themselves. for months i’ve been wondering if i’m the only one who sees this. am i crazy? am i oversensitive?
maybe, but i’m not alone.
today i should be getting a copy of a book recently published in paperback. (man, i love amazon.) i heard this woman speaking on npr the other day and i wanted to crawl into the radio and curl up by her feet to listen to her talk. and then treat her to a nice dinner as a thank you for saying the things she’s saying out loud.
the book is called female chauvinist pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture. you can find a concise summary of the subject matter here on wikipedia.
a friend of mine got into a bike accident last night. bicycle, not motorcycle. she was going down a hill a little fast and some jerk face in an suv turned without signaling. she didn’t have time to stop, though she tried.
she hit the side of the suv and landed on her knee and wrist.
the driver of the suv DROVE OFF! without stopping. without checking on her. nothing, just left. hello, leaving the scene of an accident!
grrr.
she called me to pick her up when she made it to a local bar and she calmed down enough to remember she had friends with cars. by the time i got there they’d given her an ice pack and a free drink! yay friendly bar people. she was sore and just a little bloody, but she’ll recover fine.
what is it with hit and run accidents this week? there was another on the news very recently, was it yesterday morning? a van hit a taxi and the driver got out and ran. by the next morning they still hadn’t found him/her. one of the passengers in the taxi died, the other two were in serious condition, and the driver was in hospital but with minor injuries.
where is our sense of personal responsibility? where is our honour, our pride? i’m not talking about arrogance; i mean real sense of self. proud of who we are. we’re so busy running away and being defensive that we can’t care about anyone but ourselves?
what’s so hard about stopping and saying, ‘oh my goodness, i’m so sorry!’ and meaning it?
