A Treasure Found at Home

there’s a meme going around that’s 10 things about myself that you might not know. i did the six things back in december, but now it’s up to ten and has gotten a bit more personal. i thought for a long time about what to post, but figured i’m not getting it done that way so instead i’ll just jump right in.

1. some days i think i must be neuro-diverse, a little Different: somewhere on the autism scale. but i don’t match all the major symptoms so i don’t know…

2. because of this, i think maybe i’ll never manage to find a life partner or a long term romantic relationship that works for me…

3. and so i’m nervous that i will never have children…

4. and i’m nervous that if i do get pregnant my children will be clearly autistic.

5. i’m to scared to skydive and i regret not doing it when i had the balls. (but i still want to dive with sharks! big sharks! in that cage! with the chum!)

6. lately when i look in the mirror, i look bigger and puffier… but my clothes fit exactly the same way so i know i’m not actually getting fat.

7. i really really really really hate… HATE to be lied to.

8. i don’t do my hair or wear makeup in part because i think it makes me more approachable by the sort of person i would want to end up with.

9. when i was little “nun working with orphan” was higher on my list of desired careers than “corporate grunt”.

10.  sometimes i wonder if i’d be more successful if i were not as smart.
10a. and then i wonder if i’d be more successful if i were much smarter.

yeah, this is going to be about VT… sorta. really, more about the ‘fallout’ around mental health services. my ideas aren’t well formed here, yet, to say the least.

i’m writing to try to make sense, here, of how i feel and what i think. actually, i don’t have time to make sense of what i think right now, so this will be even less like that and more like a post that i hope gets all of you to think, as well.

when i first heard the rumblings about the VT shooter’s mental state and the questions around why he didn’t get the help he needed i have to admit i was pretty happy about the thought of more opportunity to help.

a friend of mine had a pharmaceutically sponsored breakdown a few years back. he was on the wrong meds, suspected as much, but couldn’t pay for ‘regular’ mental health care and was instead working with the city. his psych wasn’t interested in his side effects and he ended up in a locked ward for a week with many difficult month afterward attempting to sort out his new meds. luckily for him, he’s found something that works and is, as they say, a ‘new man’.

recently a good friend’s brother tried to kill himself. they also can’t afford insurance. he’s been hospitalized before and even now remains on a waiting list.

i was thrilled to think that people like my friend from a few years ago and my other friend’s brother could be in a position to receive more  personalized and appropriate care! but i didn’t consider the ‘other side’. i forgot about how other people see mental health issues. i admit i was thinking selfishly, but jo reminded me what new guidelines could mean and how all this talk reflects on some people.

my goodness! no. i don’t want this stigma on her at all. i don’t want this stigma on anyone, i only want people who need help to be in a position to get help. and i want people who know someone needs help to be in a position to help, even when that someone maybe doesn’t realize. but, yeah, it’s a sticky point. the big problem with forcing someone into a psych ward (besides the stigma) is that they won’t do their part if they’re not ready to.

so, the question is, how to we create a supportive mental health system which protects people from themselves when they are ill and accurately diagnoses who needs to be reigned in a bit and who’s just a little different?

as much as jo’s post made me stop and think of repercussions for her and the people she met, i do see a difference. there do need to be some checks on behaviour. there is always that one weird kid, but sometimes that weirdness crosses a line. and while we can’t force anyone to become healthier, we can certainly, hopefully, find a better way to help our professors set appropriate boundaries.

thanks to thomas hawk for pointing out this pulitzer prize wining photo essay. i recommend not reading it at work unless you want to tear up in front of co workers.

my friend blue is in south america for the summer. well, for five months, total. she walked into work one day and was told her company was bankrupt and bye-bye, have a nice day.

so she looked at her bank account, looked at a map, and went off for some adventure. she’s been sending email to everyone with updates about the sexy tango clubs she went to in buenos aires, climbing up steep and treacherous paths in the andes, superpancos, and other adventures.

her last email, though, was an admittance of not everything going right. her pack was stolen. her pack, with almost everything she had, is gone. there’s no need to go into detail; we’ve all had our moments of “yup, i knew i shouldn’t have done THAT.”

now what she needs is some help, specifically the kind that can be exchanged for goods. if any of you have even just a few dollars to spare, please send me an email at sparkle at jorah dot o-r-g. not dot com. i’ll reply with the address for her paypal account and you can donate whatever you feel you can right now. every little bit will help, really.

thanks all you wonderful readers!

EDIT: blue sends her thanks to all y’all who helped. she says she’s got enough to recover now and is looking forward to the rest of her trip. i thank you all, too, for stepping up and being helpy the way i know you love to be.

my new couches were delivered yesterday! the place will look really nice if i can manage to get the old couches out ever.

i posted to my community, no one wanted them (not surprisingly), then to CL where lots of people wanted them but no one showed up to take them, and then called the salvation army. whoa, the salvation army… they gave me a window of when they’d show up but instead showed up an hour to an hour and a half EARLY. and if i had given into my usual keep working and skip lunch habits, i would have been there. but i figured i should run out and pick something up before they showed up. and even though they told me the earliest they’d show up would be 2:00 and it was noon thirty ish, i figured i’d better not eat out; i should get something to go.

and when i got back just after 1, they’d already come and gone. and i called the 1-800 number and she gave me the dispatch number and i called them… the driver had already come back, dropped off his stuff, and gone home! they suggested i should just stay home from work another day to let them come by again. i suggested they re-route another truck to come get my stuff. i was told they don’t have any trucks in that area now or for the rest of the day. when i reminded them i live literally right around the corner from them, they asked for my address (boy, they knew they didn’t have trucks in my area, but didn’t know where i live?). then i was told all the trucks would be completely full.

suck.

so, when the new furniture showed up, all my old furniture was still there. the room doesn’t really hold it all well.

add that to not really being able to afford the mortgage until they change my w4, which happened much later than it should have because the payroll department didn’t (and still hasn’t) get back to me in time. i had to call in help from someone else to sort out where the online w4 is.

and top that off with having way too many things at work for one person, and everyone sending me email all the time about why isn’t their thing done? it’s CRITICAL, people are DYING!* and i spend all this time saying it’s not as critical as they think it is compared to the other things i’m working on and if they have questions they can go to my manager who just sends it back to me instead of getting the picture that i have too much too do.

so, i ended up sitting on my new couch, crying, in my overcrowded house that i haven’t had the time or energy to clean recently feeling like a total fuck up and like somehow i didn’t deserve this nice house and nice furniture and i couldn’t clean it all or pay for it anyhow and my mom was right when she said i’d be alone for the rest of my life.

and today kristy wrote this. i know it’s not true for her and so i know it’s not true for me.

and i’m feeling a little better. but not as good as i’ll feel once the salvation army comes to get all my old stuff.

—-

*not really, but that’s how they’re acting.

i’ve been sick, and way stressed out by work, so there hasn’t been any real writing going on. there hasn’t even been much imaginary writing going on, either. no “i should blog about that” moments.

returning towels, picking up some art i had reframed, and lunch outside with garma took up the middle of saturday. i spent the morning hours having coffee and a very good heart to heart with creampuff. yay, actually seeing people!

sunday i had breakfast with tarheelborn, and my god, i just wanted to order everything on the menu. this place she took me to rocks. there’s no question i’m going back, and i’m taking flo and anyone else i can drag along with me. shrimp and grits, crepe suzette… mmmmmmm.

anyhow, later i met up with flo and country ham for a tour around ikea. just as i was about to leave to pick them up at bart, though, my neck started to really ache, and then my back. i popped a couple pain killers, but to no avail. i was hurting for sure, and starting to get that odd disconnectedness that comes with viruses.

monday i tried to be sick, but there was a problem at work and i worked from home the whole day, stressing and getting no rest.

by tuesday, my throat was on fire and i was avoiding any acidic or potentially crunchy foods. i had my regular acupressure therapy appointment in the morning, and was given the *tiniest* pills known to man to help relieve the pain my throat a little faster. she said something about, “even if you have strep… blah blah”, but there was no way i’d let that slide. i watched like a hawk for white spots. i am not interested in potentially weakening my heart valves in the name of alternative medicines. i’m not one to overuse antibiotics, i even try not to by antibacterial products at the store, but there are times when it’s appropriate.

back home after being pressed and warmed (i love that she has a heat lamp in her office!) and logged in to find the problem still going on. i told them to call if they needed anything, like if they had a specific question they needed me to answer, then i took my fevery self to bed and slept!

yesterday was sort of spacey. i came into work and was feeling a little better toward the end of the day, but was completely worn out by the end of the day. i napped a bit, sent some important non-work emails (just so i could pretend to have a life outside my job) and then watched lost.

**spoiler below the cut** Read the rest of this entry »