A Treasure Found at Home

i wrote this email to my feminist book club list. we’re not big chatters over there, so i’m not surprised i haven’t gotten a response. but i wonder if i’m the only person who feels this way. certainly not, right? it’s a question i struggle with a lot: how do i get past the anger and frustration i feel to become a useful participant in stopping the cycle?

i’m feeling really very very angry today, i need to get some of this out. thanks in advance for reading. at the retreat this weekend someone said something which reminded me of …’s relationship in …. he lived with a woman, her two girls, a dog, a cat, and a fish.

he finally left the relationship because she was abusing him. she would get drunk and bite and hit him.

wednesday at the doctor’s office i heard the receptionist tell a patient that she broke her pinky when she was “hitting [her] boyfriend.” she said it very matter of factly, too, as if there were nothing strange about it.

so here is what i’m really mad about: i’m mad that i see so many women encouraging and supporting and continuing the cycle of violence. i don’t know what to do about it… well, i do in that i know education is key to helping women and men learn to stop this. but i’m not sure how to work with my anger and sadness in the moment. i’m not sure what to do about the deep sense of “good god, you’re right!” i feel when i hear a man say “see, that’s why men rule the world” when they hear a story about the way women undercut each other.

it’s not just that it happens, but that i hear excuses for it all the time. ‘oh, she’s sensitive.’ ‘oh, she’s scared.’ ‘oh, that’s just the way she is.’ we don’t make excuses, as culture, for our men because when men are violent they do more damage. but women tend to be more violent on average.

and of course i’m as guilty of this as anyone. but the anger i feel at other women is sometimes so big i don’t know what to do with it. and part of that anger comes from feeling like i’m the only one who thinks that something is out of line.

so i know this is all over the map, i’m having a hard time really pinpointing what i need or what i’m asking. i just want to understand why women buy into the idea that they need to minimize and control other women. i want to understand why we ignore domestic violence done by women.

i want to know how i can really honestly lovingly compassionately spread knowledge about, and break the cycle of, violence in our homes and our world when i myself am SO FUCKING ANGRY about it, too.