February 2008
Monthly Archive
monday i went to the dentist in the morning. since my appointment wasn’t first first thing, i stopped by the eye doctor to swap out glasses.
probably never a good idea if i want to be in a good mood. for those counting that’s picking up the green glasses after i sent them back once and sending the brown glasses away again. even if there was nothing wrong with the distance vision, i’d have had to send them back this many times because the bifocals have been distractingly wrong. they seem to have something against measuring. the woman who took my glasses this time wouldn’t remeasure. it’s crazy!
anyhow, with that to start my day i went to the dentist. i was exhausted, too. for no real particular reason that i can tell. i was wondering if i might fall asleep in the chair, i was so tired.
but, no such luck. as she was scraping the plaque off my teeth, she hit a super sensitive spot. and, really, the woman who cleans my teeth is wonderful. she’s very careful because she knows i have always had sensitive teeth. (a result of years of antibiotics when i was a toddler?) i guess hitting the spot on the side of the tooth set the whole thing to extra sensitive. when she balanced her gloved finger on it to use as a fulcrum for cleaning another tooth, the top was super sensitive too!
urgh.
so she tried not to touch that tooth or the one next to it as she cleaned the rest. but between the tired and the jumpy tooth i was having a hard time. i wasn’t crying or pulling away or saying “ouch!” … well, maybe i said “ow”. anyhow, she offered me the topical anesthetic. she said it sometimes helps with sensitivity. i agreed, it was worth a shot even though the topical i’d had several times as a child seemed to do nothing.
let me tell you, this was not the topical from my childhood! she slathered it on, and since it was a liquid it went dripping right down my throat. and it stung just a little but mostly tasted AWFUL! i coughed and she rinsed my throat for me and said, “well, this just isn’t your day, is it?”
no, it really wasn’t.
but, man that topical worked like crazy. not 30 seconds later the whole left half of my mouth was numb! she quick scraped the rest of my teeth and made a note to give me this stuff next time, too. thank goodness for understanding dental technicians! the anesthetic has a really short half life, as well, so by the time i was back downtown and picking up a sammich i could feel my whole mouth again.
i stopped for cat food and sparkle food on the way home (yay! pb&j!) watched a little tv as i washed a load of clothes and went to bed early sleeping almost all the way through the night. the only time i woke was when galahad was startled into sitting bolt upright. i listened but couldn’t hear anything so i chalked it up to another cat walking by the window and went right back to sleep.
there are some days when i really, really love my horoscope. this week’s from astro barry (http://astrobarry.com) is one of those that makes me want to print it out and roll around in it. i’m also starting to suspect my horoscopes are a year late but, whateves… this one rocks.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22): No, you’re not crazy. You’ve just hit a limit to how much of other people’s headache-inspiring garbage you can possibly take. Stop yourself before you begin to apologize to them for… I don’t know exactly what, but you certainly don’t owe anybody an ‘I’m sorry’ for needing space from ‘em. (They should probably apologize to you for filling your head with their yammerings-on, but I wouldn’t hold your breath for that.) If it’ll make you feel better (and I’d suggest it will), just shut yourself in and scream. Write horribly self-indulgently gothy journal entries. Throw darts at the pictures of them tacked to your bedroom wall. Use vulgar language… a lot of it. But please, Libra, don’t bother yourself with the pointless conversations on topics you couldn’t possibly give less of a shit about. They won’t go anywhere productive. All the while, you’ll feel those nagging social pressures to grin and nod and interject enough short phrases to indicate what an engaged listener you are… and all the while, those gestures will actually hurt (in the same way that dark-and-gloomy Wednesday Addams was locked in the ‘Harmony Hut’ in big-screen sequel Addams Family Values and subjected to scenes from Annie and The Sound of Music until she ‘broke’). Are you a masochistic? If not, then get the hell away from the chirpy folks who might otherwise drive you into seizures from the onslaught of their technicolor trivialities. Go home, lock the door, and grumble and gripe to your heart’s content.
i had a dream last night that felt, upon waking, was a continuation of the dream from the other night. what i didn’t mention was that in that dream i thought about moving to another room in the dorm, but it was a much much smaller room and i would have to give up my private bathroom and large closet… in fact there wasn’t a closet in the smaller room at all, and there was barely room for a twin bed. the room i was in originally, and decided not to give up, had room for a queen sized bed and the closet was probably half the size of the bedroom.
when i was talking to my acupuncturist about the dream, she reminded me that house (including dorms) are representative of ourselves and our lives. by considering moving to the smaller room, and having the other girls tell me i should, was about feeling that they were trying to restrict who i am.
so last night i dreamed i was getting married. i have no idea who it was i was marrying, but i think he was fun and easy to be with and a good friend. anyhow, it was the day of the wedding and my bridesmaids were nowhere to be found. they just never showed up. there were two who showed up, i think one was hamster_grrl, and the rest just… nothing. no calls, nothing. they hadn’t backed out, they just weren’t there. they’d all bought dresses (which were bluish?) so they knew they were the bridesmaids and knew the day of the wedding. i was unhappy, but also had a feeling of something else. i’m not sure how to describe it. i wasn’t distraught. i guess it was a feeling of being very unimportant. of confirmation that they’d agreed for some other reason than because they really like me and who i am and want to support me.
so i did ask my acupuncturist for the magic needle of “i’m good enough”. she had just the spot in mind. she’s been wanting to try it for a while because it will be good for me. it’s very near another spot i had no problem with.
it’s in that fat part of your hand, between the thumb and fingers. previously, she’d put a small needle in nearer the base of the thumb. this time, it was much closer to the knuckle of my pointer finger.
f irst, i felt it get close to the other side of my hand! i don’t know how else to describe the feeling, even though i know the needles aren’t going to go all the way through, that’s what it felt like might happen. then… the pinchy needle feeling. ouch ouch ouch… hello panic, crapity crapity… i had to demand that she take it out. the other needles from her had never felt like that.
while the rational side of my mind was thinking, “could you take it out, please?” in a sort of concerned voice, what came out of my mouth was, “Ah! Ah! Out! Take it OUT! Take it OUT!”
i just hope i didn’t scare anyone else in the office. meh. i still got three more needles after that, too! so, good recovery, sparkle, good recovery.
i’m getting hit really hard with the “not good enough”s again today.
last night i had a dream that someone who didn’t like me much decided to move into the room next to mine. we were all in college living in the dorms. the room she moved into was the room i had to walk through to get out into the hall. she started crying to all our mutual friends about how horrible i was and how i kept coming into her room. they all knew the path out was through her room, but all started to lecture me on finding another way (why not go through two other people’s rooms, the long way, instead?). they were all angry that i would lock my door and not let her into my room, but she couldn’t lock me out of hers. not one of them saw that she set the situation up. that she chose to move in there, knowing that was my way out.
i woke up frustrated and angry and feeling attacked, dwelling on my continued mistrust and misunderstanding of the actions of some people irl.
then i got to work!
there is a woman here who knows nothing about her computer and she takes it out on me. when i ask her what something does, she treats me like i’m an idot. “I. Click. On. IT,” she says slowly, “Do I have to repeat myself AGAIN?” she doesn’t let me finish my questions and isn’t able to tell me what is supposed to happen when she clicks on “it”, but she wants me to fix it for her.
i know it has nothing to do with me. that she just needs someone to take it out on, but i would so much rather be out enjoying the sunshine while it lasts. and that crazy dream where everyone was angry just primed me to be really stung by her attitude.
thankfully, s reminded me that i’ve been doing a great job and the learning curve here is steep. there is so much i can do now that i didn’t know how to solve just two weeks ago. it’s true, but i can’t help but hear that voice that always tells me i should be learning it faster! (so good for my practice!)
tonight is acupuncture and i’m going to tell her i feel really ucky and i need the magical, “i’m good enough and gosh darn it people like me!” needle.
last saturday my across the street neighbour had a get together at his place. i’ve been experiencing continued disillusionment and uncomfortableness in terms of where i fit into my community and if it’s really the right one for me, blah blah blah. i found out about the party last minute so my unpreparedness and my lack of confidence were working together to keep me from going.
however, i hadn’t seen flo in weeks (she was in ireland) and i really like my neighbour, so i figured i’d go for a little while. it’s not a huge commitment when i can retreat back across the street if i get too uncomfortable, right?
i was greeted at the door by someone thanking me for something i’d done. big happy hug, and a genuine thank you. i stumbled up the stairs in a daze of happiness. later i was dancy dancing about and another friend saw me from across the floor. she smiled brightly and pointed at me; i hadn’t seen her in a while so i thought she was just giving me a happy greeting. when she got to me, she also gave me a huge thank you for something i’d helped set in motion for her… i gave her someone’s name who i thought could help with something she’d asked about.
what a great night. on top of the wonderful music and usual catching up with people, it felt great to have people spontaneously express their gratitude to/for me.
today i’m still tired, but it was well worth it.
i had a meeting first thing in the morning with my manager yesterday. i stopped for coffee on the way into work, but didn’t pick up pastries because friday is free pastry day at work. i walked into his office and set down my coffee and papers as he was checking his email.
him: do we have a scheduled meeting, or is this ad hoc?
me: scheduled, an hour. lotus notes stuff.
him: i’m still catching up for the day.
me: well, i planned to go get a pastry, so you have a few more minutes.
him: will you get me one?
me: sure what do you want?
him: a croissant.
me: well, i have dibs on the croissant, so if there’s only one, what do you want instead?
him [crossing the room and putting his hand on the door]: what are we talking about with s today?
me: well, she’s involved because…
he was jogging toward s in the hall; i thought he was going to pull her over, but he ran right past her and turned toward the kitchen… he was going to get that croissant!
i ran out of the office after him, cursing the fact that i hadn’t tied my shoes tight. i felt them slipping each time i cornered around a cube.
we raced the the kitchen and got to the pastries at the same time and causing a big stir. someone suggested we rock-paper-scissors for it. so we did.
round 1: rock rock
round 2: rock rock
round 3: scissors scissors
ah!!!
and in the middle of all that; d came in and speared the croissant with a knife and headed out of the kitchen without a word.
