A Treasure Found at Home

i upgraded my wp to 2.whatever-it-is and decided it was about time i made some other changes, too. so, i finally switched themes. i really loved the old one, but i was clearly never going to clean it up and make it mine. i also turned off the need to register to make comments. i have spam karma running and that does seem to catch most of the spam. we’ll see how it goes.

the weekend was lots of fun. i took my camera along but never pulled it out. one picture i did not take was acrobat and peanut sitting in the big orange chair reading in front of the fire. from the back all you could see over the top of the chair was acrobat’s head and peanut’s two little puffy pigtails.

saturday was an all day meeting of my shambhala buddhism class. i haven’t written about it yet because i’m honestly not really sure what to say.

we met at drala’s house since the center was busy with a weekend retreat. we shared breakfast an played with the new puppy, kiki.

we went into the other room to meditate. drala had set out a low support cushion for kiki to sit on. i was doubtful, but she plopped right down on it after going to the other room for a chew toy. she was sitting quietly, gnawing away, when the smoke from the incense floated into the stream of sunlight pouring in the window just in front of her. her ears went up and she backed into me pretty quickly. i tried to comfort her a little by putting my hand on her back, but she was really curious about the smoke and more than a little nervous. she crept up to inspect but, being smoke, there was nothing solid to inspect. she ran back to drala and started barking and growling. drala put the incense out and kiki laid down next to him and went to sleep. she slept the whole rest of the hour and a half we meditated, raising her head only when we would switch from sitting to walking to sitting.

for lunch, we went to a great little indian place in the tenderloin. it was delicious, and conveniently located for the second part of our day. after lunch we walked slowly, in silence, around the tenderloin keeping particular slogans in mind. we practiced tonglen, we joined everything with meditation, and i noticed what a different experience it was from when i lived there.

granted, i lived on the edge and would not walk alone through the areas we walked through saturday but the difference was profound. i felt much more separate from the people on the street than i remember feeling when i lived there. not that i ever felt a strong kinship with the men offering me money for sex, but at least they were acknowledging me. i had the feeling that our slow walking and silence created a bubble around us. that they knew we were there to see their pain somehow, and they were ignoring us. (except for that one woman who asked a for a pipe.)

afterwards we drove to crissy field, which was also crowded but with a very different type of energy. we looked at a display of eggs for birds and sharks and other fish in the area, we got coffee, and sat on the seawall and watched a golden retriever do his thing with a tennis ball his owner threw repeatedly into the bay.

i still feel a bit off about the visit to the tenderloin, though. i sort of wish we had done something to interact with the people we were trying to be so open to – gone to glide and served lunch or something. as it was, i feel a little like we were taking advantage of their misfortune to move ourselves just a smidgen further on our spiritual path. drala asked if i though we were hurting them at all. no, it’s not so much that, but that by saying we were being open but by standing by and observing only we weren’t helping when we had a chance to.

i’m coming to understand that i don’t believe in impartial observance when it comes to human interaction. i’m reminded of this quote from desmond tutu:

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.
-Desmond Tutu, clergyman (b. 1931)

today is not only a full moon and the andc (the quarterly celebration of my dance community) but a handful of other religious holidays as well. the theme for this andc is beginner’s mind.

i helped design the invites. this was my favourite, but it wasn’t the one we used. i really like the spaciousness involved. i’m really trying to go into this with an open mind, a beginner’s mind, since my attachment to the community has been tenuous, at best, over the last year. it was a year ago when i started to have significant issues outside of the community which prevented my full participation. for the march 2007 andc i had agreed to share a role with someone, but it became clear that because of stress and circumstances in my paying job, i needed to stay home. i asked for help, i asked for a replacement, but didn’t get any answer except a worried note from the other person i was sharing the role with… not worried about me, worried about the role.

no one stepped up to cover for me, so i went anyhow. i hadn’t slept much in the past couple weeks and i didn’t want to be there, so when i finally ran into my counterpart and she told me she’d planed to do the whole thing alone and that she was ok with that, i left. i think i may have been there for an hour total.

the next andc i had food poisoning and left after maybe two hours. the next andc was just after the end of some pretty wildly bizzare difficulties at work. let’s just sum that up by saying that even when i wasn’t on call and up for hours dealing with that stuff, i was a wreck. the andc was crowded and the energy was more ‘frat party’ and sexual than i understood our intention to be – some guy i don’t know stuck his tongue down my throat without asking if i wanted any sort of kiss from him. come december, i felt like i was really starting to get back to normal. that andc i stayed all night, slept in the chill space, but can’t really say there was much magical about the night for me.

so, now we’re back to march and i’m back to normal. probably more normal than i’ve felt in a long time. i’m realizing some compromises i made which don’t feel good to me and i’m interested in the world again – interested in taking chances and in finding that intersection between amazing and ordinary.

i opened my book of daily buddhist reminders. today’s is from pema chödrön.

If we knew that tonight we were going to go blind, we would take a longing, last real look at every blade of grass, every cloud formation, every speck of dust, every rainbow, raindrop — everything.

this is the attitude i want for myself when i step into that church tonight, when i go to breakfast tomorrow, when i go to class after that, and when i drive to my cousins’ for easter on sunday. this weekend i will rest in the ground of gratitude. this weekend i’m going for beginner’s mind.

yesterday i got to acupuncture and mo asked me if i was feeling brave about acupuncture or not. i told her i was, in fact, and had been thinking about that needle in the top of my head that everyone tells me is so great.

so she cleaned off the spot and my hands started to sweat, she rubbed her fingers over my head to find exactly where it should go and i flapped my hands and feet around a bit, and she stuck the needle in and i froze. everyone describes this calming feeling spreading over you from that point, but all i could feel was a NEEDLE in MY HEAD!

she has this bocci bocci (and i’m sure i’m spelling that wrong) thing that gives little electrical pulses to the acupuncture points. it looks like a pen and she’ll use it instead of a needle sometimes (for me, lots of times). so she took off my socks and did a round of bocci bocci on my legs and then on my arms, then did the whole thing again, and ever clicked on my ear and forehead just for good measure.

it helped, but i was still tense. i could tell her i was better and would be ok. she ran her fingers over my forehead to relax me more (after asking if it was ok for her to be so close to the needle). then she had to go take care of her other patients.

i managed to further calm down and would slip in and out of sleep. this isn’t uncommon for me with “intense” relaxation points. i’ll start to fall asleep, but can’t really relax so i wake back up again. when she removed it i finally relaxed and she congratulated me and i really did feel proud of myself.

i called hamster_grrl on the way home and had a good long catch up call then went to sleep early to catch up on what i missed monday and tuesday nights.

this morning i noticed some soreness in my back and shoulder especially when i take a deep breath. i guess i was holding myself even more tensely than i realized last night. or… the relaxation part of the treatment really did work. i’m sure i’m not the only one who sometimes feels strangely sore after a good massage, when those muscles all finally let go of what they’ve been holding on to.

it’s a nice reminder of the progress i’m making.

• tomato soup
• mac’s mac expertise
• moshing leprechauns
• chai
• twitter
• design your own duvet cover
• secret, the dog, played fetch with me at work
• meowers, aka galahad, cuddling with me in the morning
• distance, breathing room
• blue
• sunroof
• the ferry
• pretzels
• knowing i made the right choice
• kiki’s new home

i’ve done a lot of crying today. not all of it’s been bad. most of it, in fact hasn’t been bad. i’m just letting go of some things i’ve been holding on to for no really good reason except habit. they are, in fact, habits i’m sure i’ll have to let go of again and again, as is the wont with habits.

i started the day reading some of point three (of mind training) and the paramita of patience. the 47 slogans of mind training are organized into seven points. slogan 13 is my favourite so far, and the one i’m currently most intimidated by.

“be grateful to everyone”

this should be of no surprise since my favourite number is 13, and the title of my blog is an allusion to shantideva’s remarks on the subject:

So like a treasure found at home,
Enriching me without fatigue,
All enemies are helpers in my bodhisattva work
And therefore they should be a joy to me.

except in my title i’m the treasure, the one to be grateful to. see, we’re like little rubies found under the couch cushion because we point out your path to enlightenment. “here,” we say as we piss you off, “here is where you could use a little improvement on that path.” it’s much easier to be on that end than to be on the end where you’re giving the gratitude.

in the early afternoon i talked to my meditation instructor. he told me things i knew but needed reminding of, which is what all of this study really feels like to me, so he must be right on target. i cried.

next went to a book club meeting where we had a difficult discussion. i didn’t cry, but my heart was pretty tender when i left. so i came home and looked for a movie to watch. usually, i do this and decide i’m not really in the mood for whatever is on. i thought i would end up reading or folding laundry.

instead, i watched ‘becoming jane’. holy cow. maybe because i’m a hopeless romantic deep under this cynical exterior, but i caught my breath when she turned around and was suddenly dancing with him. of course, i knew the end end. i just wasn’t sure how they would get there, and as with certain other stories i know very well, i hoped for a miracle. i suppose in a way i got one, jane austin wrote some amazing literature and certainly helped pave the way for women writers in this western world.  and… i cried.

i cried for jane and for me and for letting go and for doing the right thing… the really right thing for what i want and what i’m afraid i can’t live up to and i sat for 15 min and cried for at least half of it. and i felt like a fool and was glad i was sitting alone in the dark with only my cat to witness (and now, of course, i’ve written all down for you to read). i use a 15 min mp3 meditation timer which features a few seconds of silence, a gong, 15 min of silence, then three gongs and a few more seconds of silence which i use to dedicate the merit.

the next song in itunes just happens to be a well know everly brothers tune. can you guess? it’s ‘crying in the rain’.

• sick day – naps
• pop up LOST
• postcard from postcrossing
• got brown glasses back
• sick day – home for LOST
• muddled plans worked themselves out
• blue
• i’m not short
• pi

some day i promise to write more about me and what’s happening in my life. but today… more links.

i was reading through random xkcd comics, as i do. swooning at the swoonful.  (which makes me think of when i worked with people who would send me mail from india and ask me to “please do the needful.”)

anyhow, i found this one: http://xkcd.com/78/ with garfield

which made me think of these: http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/ without garfield

sunday i had brunch at the farmer’s market in jack london square with some community people. between the sun and the kids playing and the tall ships (which look like pirate ships) all i can say is…. omg! puppies! it’s true, the highlight was being loved and kissed and loved and kissed by a K-9 officer — a bomb sniffing dog — while she was on her break. i hope you had at least one equally simply lovely moment.

The Five of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in the upper hand. I can outwit or outlast and I choose my battles wisely. This puts me in a superior position. I know when it’s time to hold, fold, or walk away. I am a survivor and am not easily defeated. I am empowered to gain the advantage by turnabout and my virtue fair play.

from xkcd.com. brilliant.

so i’m going to let mr. pants speak for me.