A Treasure Found at Home

i feel that i have quite a bit to be thankful for this year, as every year, certainly.

i’m thankful for bro’s girlfriend inviting me to her family’s thanksgiving celebration down near LA. and i’m also thankful for my cousin’s invitation even though i couldn’t accept due to the afformentioned brother’s girlfriend’s family.

i’m thankful for a unique opportunity i’ve had recently to practice spaciousness. i know that sounds strange and cryptic, but the details aren’t important. just that i had a difficult conversation with someone and it turned out fine. and i’m thankful for that other person in my life.

i’m thankful that hamster_grrl’s visa finally came through!

i’m thankful for both my luck-of-the-draw family and my chosen family.

i’m thankful for my cat still being healthy.

i’m thankful rockstar’s phone doesn’t work at his parents’ place so i could bring it with me since i was a dork and forgot my own phone. (i’m thankful i’ll soon be the owner of a new iphone!)

and i’m thankful for rockstar.

really, the list could go on and on. for all the things i wish were different or less frustrating about my life, there are thousands of ways in which i am very lucky and very blessed… and i know i am loved by many and when it comes down to it, well, that’s what matters.

i helped staff a meditation weekend at our local center this weekend. i have to admit, it was very hard for me this weekend.

i could NOT keep focused. i felt like i wasn’t doing anything more than meditating on my bank account balance, my frustration with a particular situation where i agreed to one thing and ended up with another, … boys. i was reminded of a person who once told me she never tried to return to her breath or focus her meditation in any way. if i keep this up, i’m just going to get more worried and more stressed out.

each day i get an email with a lojong slogan to think about. the one from yesterday, which i read this morning, was “don’t expect applause.” it’s perfect for right now. i’d agreed to help out with something recently, and when it came time to make good i’d been given a very different job than i’d signed up for. if anyone had asked, i’m sure i would have said yes. having it happen without acknowledging it, though… i felt somewhat taken advantage of. it was on my mind quite a bit and i tried to encourage my self with the slogan… to no avail.

last night i was looking forward to a movie after my day of meditation and service. i met my friend at the bookstore next door to the theatre (where they have an OUTDOOR FIREPLACE… hello, new hang out) and we walked over in time for the previews. maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the day of meditation, but i was crying at just the previews (we’re voting on the question of changing our state constitution to deny rights to a particular population and seeing the preview for milk really got to me).

then the movie started. changeling. i told my friend my movie picking privileges have been revoked for some time. talk about heart wrenching! i don’t want to spoil it for you… the movie was well done but hard to watch in some places.

the weekend wan’t all frustration, though. i really liked our director; i enjoyed what i heard of the talks. i was spontaniously complemented on how i set up one of the interview rooms in particular. and i was told it was good to have me as part of the team.

all of which tells me i’m in the right place, on the right path, but right now i feel like the path is all muddy and slippery and i keep sliding off into a ditch along the side.