A Treasure Found at Home

today is not only a full moon and the andc (the quarterly celebration of my dance community) but a handful of other religious holidays as well. the theme for this andc is beginner’s mind.

i helped design the invites. this was my favourite, but it wasn’t the one we used. i really like the spaciousness involved. i’m really trying to go into this with an open mind, a beginner’s mind, since my attachment to the community has been tenuous, at best, over the last year. it was a year ago when i started to have significant issues outside of the community which prevented my full participation. for the march 2007 andc i had agreed to share a role with someone, but it became clear that because of stress and circumstances in my paying job, i needed to stay home. i asked for help, i asked for a replacement, but didn’t get any answer except a worried note from the other person i was sharing the role with… not worried about me, worried about the role.

no one stepped up to cover for me, so i went anyhow. i hadn’t slept much in the past couple weeks and i didn’t want to be there, so when i finally ran into my counterpart and she told me she’d planed to do the whole thing alone and that she was ok with that, i left. i think i may have been there for an hour total.

the next andc i had food poisoning and left after maybe two hours. the next andc was just after the end of some pretty wildly bizzare difficulties at work. let’s just sum that up by saying that even when i wasn’t on call and up for hours dealing with that stuff, i was a wreck. the andc was crowded and the energy was more ‘frat party’ and sexual than i understood our intention to be - some guy i don’t know stuck his tongue down my throat without asking if i wanted any sort of kiss from him. come december, i felt like i was really starting to get back to normal. that andc i stayed all night, slept in the chill space, but can’t really say there was much magical about the night for me.

so, now we’re back to march and i’m back to normal. probably more normal than i’ve felt in a long time. i’m realizing some compromises i made which don’t feel good to me and i’m interested in the world again - interested in taking chances and in finding that intersection between amazing and ordinary.

i opened my book of daily buddhist reminders. today’s is from pema chödrön.

If we knew that tonight we were going to go blind, we would take a longing, last real look at every blade of grass, every cloud formation, every speck of dust, every rainbow, raindrop — everything.

this is the attitude i want for myself when i step into that church tonight, when i go to breakfast tomorrow, when i go to class after that, and when i drive to my cousins’ for easter on sunday. this weekend i will rest in the ground of gratitude. this weekend i’m going for beginner’s mind.

last saturday my across the street neighbour had a get together at his place. i’ve been experiencing continued disillusionment and uncomfortableness in terms of where i fit into my community and if it’s really the right one for me, blah blah blah. i found out about the party last minute so my unpreparedness and my lack of confidence were working together to keep me from going.

however, i hadn’t seen flo in weeks (she was in ireland) and i really like my neighbour, so i figured i’d go for a little while. it’s not a huge commitment when i can retreat back across the street if i get too uncomfortable, right?

i was greeted at the door by someone thanking me for something i’d done. big happy hug, and a genuine thank you. i stumbled up the stairs in a daze of happiness. later i was dancy dancing about and another friend saw me from across the floor. she smiled brightly and pointed at me; i hadn’t seen her in a while so i thought she was just giving me a happy greeting. when she got to me, she also gave me a huge thank you for something i’d helped set in motion for her… i gave her someone’s name who i thought could help with something she’d asked about.

what a great night. on top of the wonderful music and usual catching up with people, it felt great to have people spontaneously express their gratitude to/for me.

today i’m still tired, but it was well worth it.

• dancy dancy
• free bluegrass in the park
• warm days
• good book
• matcha chai
• soft warm green sheets
• yummy sidecar
• spins on the dance floor
• catching up with friends, however brief
• hugs
• kisses
• unprompted agreement
• leftover faux duck sammich
• new friend

• acupuncture!
• bakeries
• “a room of one’s own”
• the beach boys
• paycheck
• dvr
• shuttle to work
• anti-motion sickness bands
• car songs
• amazon mp3s

my goodness, it’s just like 6th grade here in my headphones today. if only trent turner were here to dance with to “in my room”. *sigh* i’ve stepped out of the way-back machine onto jenny lipman’s back deck in boca. man, sometimes i miss that.

• hiking
• abandoned WWII military sites
• side trails
• deer
• picnic
• green hat guy noticed me but didn’t push it
• waves
• getting back before we got trapped by the water
• i have a job — but i wasn’t on call
• dancin’
• chatting with friends
• chatting with new people (like i promised myself i would)
• my soft soft bed at 5am
• sleeping as long as i felt like it
• **i found my remote!!!!**

i subscribe to a story of the day from storypeople.com. usually the stories are just a sentence or two long. i’m in love with today’s story.

Here’s the Story of the Day:

Connection (feminine)

there came a moment in the middle of the song when she suddenly felt every heartbeat in the room & after that she never forgot she was part of something much bigger

last night i went to the sing-along grease at the castro theatre. so much fun! we sat in the third row, ’smoked’ our cardboard cigs, pomed our pom-poms, and sang our voices out.

i’d heard earlier shows had the audience up and dancing in the isles. this was certainly encouraged, but maybe the wednesday before a major holiday is just too exhausting. i know the travel prep in my house and at work is taking a lot of my energy. anyhow, i think i saw three dancers in our performance. the group i was with all danced in our seats; and the guy behind me laughed and laughed at the dances the actors were doing on screen. it’s like he’s never seen any of them — maybe he hadn’t.

i wore my sparkley green poodle skirt. a girl only has so many chances to wear that sort of thing, ya know, and full advantage must be taken of every  opportunity.

the print they were showing was made for sing-alongs. the words to all the songs were written on the screen. all the words. to all the songs. even when they sing ‘for he’s a jolly good fellow’!

is there a way to just rip the audio from this? i’d love to play this while i’m trying to clean my house. i’m still not sure if i’m horrified by it or not. i think it’s growing on me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mdMb6bRXt4

at least it’s no strawberry shortcake*.

*if you must know, i’ll send you the recording. don’t say i didn’t warn you, though.

just in case there is one of you who reads my blog who doesn’t also read i, asshole (and so i can find it again later), there’s this!

dancy dancy pipe cleaner man! 

i’m sure most of you have seen this by now, but i’ve gotten the link about three times and it never seems to get old. *almost* makes me wish i had a treadmill.

enjoy!

Technorati Tags: dancing, music, video

this past weekend was our cult campout in beautiful mendicino county. i agreed to drive up with a friend of flo’s who i’d never met before, lumiere.

i was completely on top of things… except that i left lumiere’s phone number and address at work. thankfully, i realized it while i was on the train and could access the interwebs with my magic mobile phone card. what i didn’t realize, though, was that i’d forgotten to print the MAP!

lumiere’s electricity was off… as was that of a few blocks of sf… so he couldn’t print it either. luckily i found a spot right around where his place was and waited. a few minutes later a guy who looked about the right age stepped out of a building and started looking around. i looked at him a bit and he caught my eye. i raised my eyebrows, he raised his, i leaned over and rolled down the passenger window. he came over and leaned in. we smiled.

i said, ‘i’m erin.’

and he said, ‘i’m andrew.’

oh! *blush*

i thought this guy looked a little to asian to be lumiere, but… i don’t know, it’s sf. there could be an asian guy with a french name. it could happen.

i explaind that i was waiting for someone i’d never met and he looked to be looking for someone, too. he said he was just looking for *anyone* since he was so frustrated about the electricity being out.

finally lumiere showed up and we started to wonder about the map. my computer was in my trunk and seemed bulky, plus there wouldn’t be a signal where we were going (i suppose i could have saved the map to my desktop, but didn’t think of it.) sp guy to the rescue! he texted the last bit of the directions to me (i knew the exit). we were doing great until we were nearly there and lumiere read out the next direction, ‘2.2 miles, T intersection… straight?’

we looked at each other, he read it again, and we laughed for about 2.2 miles!

when we got to the intersection in question we realized we were on the ‘top’ of the T and another road ran into ours.

as we made the last turn we found someone else sitting in her car reading a map. i rolled down the window and asked if she was headed for the cult campout, she said she was, and i said, ‘this way. follow me!’

we lost her part way up… i *swear* i wasn’t going very fast! she did pull up behind us at the gate, but we’d been there a few minutes already by the time she made it.

the weekend eneded up really nice. i could have done with a little more one-on-one time with an old, established friend. laying on the ground, holding hands, looking at stars and talking about ’stuff’ (whatever, as long as it was NOT who liked who and what to do to get the cuties to like us). unfortunately, i didn’t have a friend like that available and so spent time alone laying on the ground looking at stars and enjoying the lack of idle gossip.

(to be sure, there is a time and place for idle gossip, but my ears were full last weekend.)

i had a few really good conversations, and danced some, and generally had a wonderfully fulfilling weekend.

>5 things

• text messages
• family
• peanut
• peanut’s m&d
• mobile
• flo’s food
• mesh topped tent — good pre-sleep star viewing
• wheelbarrow when i needed one
• dancin’
• hot water shower

i don’t have any photos because 1)my camera batteries were dying 2)we were still in our undies in the shots i took and 3)i lost my camera.

j-up got to spend the day on a scavenger hunt around sf seeing sites the locals never go see, like the top of coit tower. she said she fell in love with the city again and kept saying to herself, ‘we live here!’ i know that feeling.

the last clue led her to the hotel room where i and a bunch of her other chick friends were hanging out having a poloriod lingere photo shoot! so. much. fun. and really … empowering? is that the right word? we all felt really great about ourselves by the end of it, even though we (each of us individually) felt really nervous about the whole thing before hand. ‘am i cute enough?’, ‘are my hips bigger?’, ‘do i even know how to look sexy next to a bunch of dancers?’ ok, probably the six dancers didn’t have that last worry, but i did and i’d bet the one other non dancer did, too.

(i’m a little d dancer and they’re big d dancers. i mean, j-up teaches even.)

anyhow, frolic frolic, then it was off to dinner and out for a private lap dance for the bride to be. i wore a much more risque top than i’m usually comfortable in, but kept being reassured by the other women with me. the most common excuse was, ‘it’s pride!’… except we were downtown. oh, well, it was fun to be out and sexy like that.

then around the corner for more of the kind of dancing i’m used to. we all hobbled out to the cabs in our super cute shoes which now were killing our feet, back to the hotel for a quick change to more comfy shoes and outfits, and down the street to a bar where almost no one was dancing (except us once we got there). i got hit on by a guy who left me alone once he told me he was 26 and found out i am 32. well, he’ll be 26 tomorrow. i wished him a happy early birthday and went back to my dancing.

after dancing we went to an all night greasy spoon which was way too expensive, but we were way to tired to go anywhere else and figured we’d all feel completely like crap if we didn’t eat before going to sleep.

i took a cab home and was in bed just after 3 am. it was a fantastic night!!

here’s a handy dance video from japan which seems like it’s trying to teach english. the side effect is that you have a few key dance moves that equate to things you might want to say if you were arguing. great for some of the parties i go to! filched the link from boingboing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5qoMfBJUeI

driving back from a hike recently with sp guy, i was dancing in the car. i looked a the car full of 20something guys in the next car. they were groovin’, too, and laughing. then, when they all looked at me at once, i realized they were laughing *at* me.

whatever.

i’m cuter.

i’m reminded of this because i’m dancing in my chair at my desk with my headphones on right now… must look odd.

why deny the obvious, child?

if i’d had a full length mirror i might have noticed before i left the house. as it is i’ll just have to tell myself that somehow it happened during dinner.

but when i got in the cab to go to our super secret location for goddess worship last night… i realized my pvc pants were torn.

this will be heartbreaking news to many who saw me at tribal connections at the uu church last december. sorry, creampuff’s man. all i can promise is that i’ll be looking for replacements.

luckily, for last night anyhow, housemate and i had dinner just around the corner from home so it was a quick walk back up the hill to change and just long enough to plan in my head what else to wear.

i kept the sparkly shoes, but changed everything else.

then it was off to super secret location, which turned out to be a swanky dance club complete with velvet ropes and a vip room! we ate chocolate while wating for all the other couples (sets? pairs? ‘couples’ seems to imply a romance) to arrive, toasted mighty berb’s new niece (born just that morning), thanked the men several times, toasted conexus (to which the money for this auction item went), we danced, chatted, and gazed *deeply* into each other’s eyes… during which exercise i laughed and laughed and laughed. whatever, i was being genuine. we each got a long stemed red rose.
as we were organizing to leave berb asked where i live. then she said, ‘that’s very close to housemate.’

‘yes,’ i said, ‘very close. he lives in my extra room.’

she had no idea.

tarzan drove berb, housemate and i home. 3am with only a little nap on the train… i was beat.

i was just day dreaming about this old friend of mine this morning. i’m not in direct contact with him anymore, but i’ve always thought he was cute as sin a very talented musician! i hope i can catch a performance when i’m next in big d (for my birthday, the day before a friend’s wedding). anyhow, i just got this little flier in the email. how many times did i dance the night away listening to you?

rock on, chris, rock on. and congratulations, man.

there was a serious tornado in collin county last night. i’m so glad i don’t live there anymore. anna is up the road a bit, so i wouldn’t have been hit, but it’s the reminder that this stuff happens every spring. last time i was there it was still pretty much a small town with a lot of trailer homes and older buildings. that might have had something to do with the degree of destruction. what i like about this article, though, is how everyone is named… it’s from a local paper. nice to know you can look in the paper the next morning and find out how your friends and family faired in the previous night’s storm.

i also got a link to this fan-tastic! video in my inbox this morning. it’s the evolution of dance in six minutes. performed by someone who, at first glance, seems like he might be an unlikely choice for such a thing. i sure wouldn’t mind sharing a dance floor with this guy, though. it was all i could do to keep from laughing loudly here in my cube. i’m sure the only reason i wasn’t dancing along is because i’m sitting down. oh, just you wait until they raise my desk up to where i can stand up and work (i’ve been thinking of asking them to do this since a says it’s the only way she could work without aggrevating her rsi).

my dreams last night were all about being at ‘work’. in that world, i worked in an old munitions factory or something like that. everything was light brown mud coloured. the factory was closed or closing and huge. there were ghosts and at times i think we may have been dead ourselves. the general feel was not so much morbid, though, as precipice-ish. closing. ending. on the edge of rebirth. i felt a genuine connection to those who were left with me, but we had certainly left a lot behind and were really sort of closing up shop. it’s unclear if we were just moving on and the plant would remain open with another group of people or another purpose or if just we were leaving and it would go on with some of these dead people running it and continue being generally useless… no, not useless… more it seemed like whatever we were making was like beating our head against a wall. i guess that’s close to useless, but there was certianly an aspect of hopeless frustration as well.

as i write this it does sound morbid and listless, and while those feelings were there it wasn’t what i took away from the dream. it was more a feeling that i’d be leaving those things behind and was setting things up so that those left who didn’t feel or notice the morbid listlessness would be taken care of and have ease of living, at least in terms of the factory.

edit:
rob concurs:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The leaves on the persimmon tree outside my door are growing so fast I swear I can see them expanding right in front of my eyes. Like them, you are in a period of almost maniacal fertility. The ripening process is so elemental that you may feel as if unpredictable forces of nature have been unleashed inside you. As long as you keep your sense of humor about it, however, nothing too out-of-control will happen. At worst, you’ll resemble a funny monster with a brilliant future, like an awkward kid destined to grow up to be a cute genius.

saturday was a complete day of indulgence for me. i lazed about the house for the first few hours of the day. i called garma and we caught up on each other’s lives as i cut old shirts into strips to tie into my hair when i’m feeling funky.

i had lunch planned with mr. bee, so i hopped a bus a little early out to the haight to have a look round in my favourite clothing store. which was closed. probably a good thing considering how spendy it can be. i had noticed my second favourite store was open, though, and i returned down that way to peruse the sale section. all i can afford there is the sale section, but the clothes are so beautiful and funky.

in the back of the store i found a gorgeous green velvet dress and a simple green shirt both on sale. mind you, the dress was originally $420, so i think i got a pretty good deal. both items together? $77.25! rock on! i am the shopping QUEEN!

then it was off to meet mr. bee. we had brunch at a local cafe where he knew *everyone*. i have to remember that even though i move around frequently, other people sometimes stay in the same neighborhood for years. and although he did move somewhat recently it was to just across the street and therefore does not qualify as having Moved.

the weather was clear and pretty, but a little windy and cold, so we ate inside then walked around the shops after. he took me to the hardware store *swoon* and then to the health food store across the way where he knew the massage therapist and i got a 15 min, much much much need massage. while i was getting rubbed into a puddle of relaxation he bought some organic or sugar free (or both) peanut butter cups and shared them with me on our way out the door. yum yum. then we got to pet a bulldog, princess buttercup, with the cutest underbite ever known to dog.

saturday evening i wore my new dress to an extravagant evening of dinner and a show with sp guy (previously guy without a nickname). we saw the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee. parts of it were hysterical and parts were downright heartbreaking. may i just say how glad i am that i was never in an actual spelling bee of any significance. i sort of vaugly remember that each classroom had a bee and that’s how things started out, but i would be out pretty early (which i’m sure is no surprise to you if you read my blog with any sort of regularity).

there was some audience participation in the form of four previous bee contestants being asked to come up on stage and be in the show as putman county bee contestants. the fun was in watching the actors direct the non-actors and the obviously required ad-lib on the part of the characters they interacted with. have you seen it? did you catch the allusion to dirty dancing? i think my favourite character was lief conybear.

then it was back to the tonga room for drinks, friends, and dancing (except for sp guy who won’t dance — yet). i ordered a singapore sling, who could pass that up in such an environment? but it came with so much fruit and decoration (a sword and umbrella) that i was a little unclear how i should drink it without putting an eye out! so, after that it was all about the sidecar. yum.

the cover band played brick house, and i promptly texted (texted? text’d? text messaged?) hamster_grrl who is currently, for a few more days, living in oz. the song always reminds me of her and our apo days. she replied with some of the lyrics. funkalicious, hamster_grrl. sp guy world opened up with my furious little examples of using sms as a means to keep in touch and coordinate.

stone showed up and tried to teach me the charleston, which i *know* by golly. i blame the alcohol for my inability to be coordinated. plus, i think i learned it with an extra beat. i’m not sure, it was 4th grade. it’s been a while, but you’d better belive i’m going to revisit that lesson when my sense of balance is healthier.

we all retired to a private suite where we had champagne and dessert and looked out the windows at the beautiful view of sf and the bay. hint: if you live near the fairmont and can see the building from your window, remember there are telescopes in some of the rooms if you’re interested in getting it on with your sweetie… and you’re shy.

all in all, it was a ridiculously fun experience and i had more to drink than i really should have… really… but felt so young and, um, i’m not even sure what the adjective is. not exactly wasteful as we were all pretty grateful for what we had (i think), but … um, rockstarish? duchessy? more duchessy than rockstarish. there were no cameras.

sunday was all about being healthy and getting in shape. i met ‘b’ to work out (later than originally planned, but i still made it) then went dancy dancy dancy out in the street at how w3ird. i’m a little pink from that as we couldn’t quite find the sun block. oops.

how w3ird was great, really. we ran into lots of friends and i got to chat with a couple i don’t normally connect with as often and also ran into someone from 00 so i got to catch up on the gossip. a person who features prominently in some of her stories was nearby and i got to put a shape to the name. i was too far away to really distinguish a face.

which reminds me that tomorrow i’m going to the eye doctor! w00t! i will see, and it will be good. no more cocking my head to the left with a puppy doggish curiosity just to get everything in focus. i’m sure it’s cute and all, but i perfer leaning to the right.

friday: dancing, dancing, more dancing. it was simon posford at 1015 and i had a really fantastic time. there is often talk among my group of friends about having primary spiritual experience (pre) on the dance floor. i felt like i got close to that at times friday night. eyes closed, feeling connected to everyone… till someone connected with me — rather until someone’s elbow connected with my head or someone else stepped on my foot. it just wasn’t meant to be in that place at that time.
even if i didn’t quite reach pre, it felt like i was back in high school again. dancing just for the sake of dancing. every so often i would find myself dancing in a way that reminded me of my friend dj. it was really nice to feel connected to her even though she’s so far away.

saturday: sleep. sweet sleep. then, writing letters to friends and a burning man camp organizational prep meeting. i closed the day with dinner with stone and some new friends of hers, who (of course) it turns out know some people in my hippie community. sf shows itself as a small town again.

sunday: walked to ‘b’’s since it was fabulous out. we worked out then walked over to tartine for lunch, which we ate outside. yum yum yum yum yum. i so love that place. we got there at exactly the right time to walk right in and order even though all the tables were taken. as we slipped out to get the spot on the bench, the line was already out the door again. i was tempted to stop in the park on the way home, but was afraid i’d wake up hours later all lobster coloured, and that would really not be good at all. i got a little work done, then headed over to the friends meeting. i was asleep somewhat early and slept hard till the alarm this morning. it wasn’t easy to wake up. must have been all the sun yesterday.

today: as i was getting off the train in mtn view i noticed someone who looked familiar. after a moment i recognized him as the guy who i’d orignially worked with at the bank. the one who came in late all the time and never did any work, who was fairly republican in his leanings (which was fine) but would insult my communities at the same time as he was possibly tyring to endear himself to me, the one i caught plagiarizing on the day before he was going to be fired anyhow… the same one who called me an ‘ignorant cunt’ on his blog after he left the bank.

i declined to say good morning.
gratitude list 

• bread pudding
• dancing
• breakfast at 7am on the way home
• i. brought a backpack in which to stuff my warm things
• alley is doing better after tooth removal
• granola/yogurt/fruit
• chai
• warm days
• open toed shoes
• hugs
• friends
• little tiny carrots with butter
• a ride home when i was exhausted
• oatmeal

my housemate is out of town this weekend, and so are pretty much all the people who i’d normally hang with on a weekend. flo is here, but just got her wisdom teeth out.

actually, she’s doing great and was up and about yesterday evening when i went by to visit. she was a little spacy, but not much more than i got later in the night when the tired overtook me.

we had an all night dance themed friday night gathering last night. it was really small compared to our current quarterly celebrations, but it was really nice. i had a great time dancing and talking to people i don’t normally spend much time with at these things. (see above where i mention most of my usual suspects are out of town.)

garma showed up just as i was really running out of steam. we did dance for a little while and tried to talk, but of course it was loud so it was hard to transmit intracacies and i found myself putting things in the most basic of terms.

i took this  shot when i was just starting to fade. sleepy sparkle.

this morning i woke up to find galahad and i were not alone! that ‘other cat’ had come in and was munching on galahad’s food. unfortunately, i was facing the wrong way to really see the sneaker. but since galahad could not be resting on my arm and eating on the other side of the room, i knew our visitor was visiting. sneaker’s still pretty skittish, so when is slowly picked up my head and set it down looking toward the food bowl, sneaker watched the whole thing then ran out of the room. i wonder if i’ll ever tame that one. i’m thinking no.

now i plan to take full advantage of having the apartment to myself! i’m going to hog the bathroom by taking a proper bath. later i think i might pull out some sewing. i’ll do the dishes (i actually do this most weekends, really). hopefully i’ll find the couple-a-few things i’m missing right now, too.

and tomorrow i plan to spend some quality time with my sql lessons. rock on.