A Treasure Found at Home

i wrote this a few days ago in an email to some friends. i can’t really think of much more to say at this point so i’m using it as my post.

i’m in colorado after grandma’s funeral. when we got in last night it was the fourth state in as many days for me.

sp guy and i drove from ca to nv on sunday, from the playa to reno monday, i flew from nv to ohio (with a stop in co) tuesday and flew back from oh to co wednesday with a two hour drive to the condo after that. *whew*

grandma looked really nice in her casket. beautiful, even though her mouth didn’t look quite right and they’d picked a wrong colour of lipstick for her.

i was a pall bearer this time. i’d asked to do it for grandpa, but was turned down due to my uncle saying no one had ever heard of a woman pall bearer. i thought this was crazy talk and checked with the morticians who assured me there were female pall bearers. this time we looked like we were one short so i told mom i’d like to do it, that uncle b had said no last time, but that the people at the funeral home thought it was fine. (mom also wasn’t sure about the female pall bearer thing.) so mom asked the priest who said of course and pointed out that nuns do it all the time for other nuns. so it was settled.

still when we lined up outside the church mom came up to cousin t.a. and asked if *he’d* ever seen a female pall bearer and he said no but was sure that if anyone could do it i could! right on cousin t! (who is really my first cousin once removed, i think.)

i also unfolded the pall (the cloth which covers the casket during the funeral mass) with my other two cousins who were there (both girls) and mom and i took the gifts up (the wine and bread) during the mass. i really felt connected to grandma and like the women of her family were playing a big role in her funeral, as it should be. and i also felt it was appropriate for me to end up doing so much as i am the oldest granddaughter and the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter.

i wish i had a picture of l so you could see how funny it was when he realized i was going to end up at the front of the casket as a pall bearer and tried to convince me to trade places because ‘it’s going to be heavy!’ l is probably in his mid to late 70’s, about as thin as me, and a few inches shorter. i held my ground.

my uncle b wrote another great eulogy which we also hope to get up online.

here is her obituary: http://www.legacy.com/ohio/Obituaries.asp?Page=Notice&PersonID=18304327
and grandpa’s if you want to read that, too. his eulogy is in his guestbook, but rosie’s isn’t up there yet: http://www.legacy.com/ohio/Obituaries.asp?Page=Notice&PersonID=17325822

and just for good measure, here’s aj’s: http://www.legacy.com/ohio/Obituaries.asp?Page=Notice&PersonID=15980868
and now i’m going to go to the local breakfast place and get something to eat and sit and try to absorb some of this. mom and dad drove back to denver to get my aunt “eat rat”, brother flies in tomorrow, and we’re all going to sit around and have some family decompression time.

oh, yeah, brother missed the funeral! his flight took off from la on time, circled a bit, then went *back to the airport*! something about the door not sealing correctly. he wouldn’t have made it in till 2 in the morning, missing the family calling hours, so he wouldn’t have gotten to see her again. plus, he’d be there just over 12 hours, and on almost no sleep. he did manage to get a refund on the ticket by explaining that because of this he’d never see his grandmother’s face again.

it all seems so weird and there’s a bit of a feeling of “now what”. eat rat was a school teacher but took the last part of the year off and decided to retire. she literally has no idea what to do with her time now that both chief and rosie are gone. she said she filled out a form the other day and under hobbies she wrote, “taking care of mom and dad.”

he wrote to her almost every day till she got on the train to come marry him. then it looks like she went back to ohio for a visit. the last stack is when she moved back to ohio before him, with mom, when he was reassigned and she wasn’t allowed to stay with him anymore. the ones in the middle are just random, undated cards and notes.

where to start. i’m just going to give up the attepmt at telling a clear story and let things come out as they do.

last night mom and i stayed here alone. her brother, his wife, and cousin loney all left for kentucky. she told me as i went to bed that she was glad i was here because she wasn’t sure how she would stay here alone. on future visits, she plans to stay with patty ann. i thought i heard mom moving around, so i got up to check. i’m in the guest room and mom has been staying in grandma and grandpa’s bed. the door to that room is open so i figured we’d be starting the day here soon. nope, she’s out in the tv room on the fold out bed with the tv on. looks like she did some more sorting after i fell asleep. and there’s a magnolia blossom on the dresser, she must have cut that last night.

yesterday grandma was pretty alert. they only gave her half her normal dose of xanax, so her nerves were calmed but she wasn’t so out of it all day. when we went by in the early afternoon with loney, the nurse aid called mom out into the hall to speak with her. apparently, that morning grandma had asked her, ‘will you do something for me?’

the aid asked, ‘what do you want?’

and grandma said, ‘i want you to help me die.’

she hasn’t said anything to any of us yet. not that there is anything we really could do — we’re not going to take her feeding tube out and starve her to death.

going through jewelry and things last night my mom nearly had a breakdown. she knew what we were doing was right and she thought we should be doing it, but that it felt really bad because grandma is still alive. no one thinks she’s going to come home, especially not to this house, but she is still alive.

if she does another miraculous turn around, mom’s mentioned trying to move her down to florida to live with she and dad. i guess mom would have to take early retirement for that, but it seems so far out of the realm of possibility that no one’s thinking seriously of what we would do.

mom really wants to get as much done as we can while we’re here so it doens’t all fall to pat. husbands, with the exception of my dad, don’t seem to be as understanding as we would all hope and there’s extra stress there, too.

mom made a hair appointment for me with my aunts’ hair place. cut and colour. she likes to make things look nice when there’s stress. it’s not a bad approach and certainly works to some degree. i know she doesn’t think it will make everything all better, but treating yourself does create some cusion. i wonder what it is about that which works. is it focusing on something else for a bit? my mind isn’t working that way right now. i’m having trouble with more ‘complex’ concepts.

as we left the nursing home yesterday, loney said to me that she thought i was really good with grandma, that grandma seemed to really respond to me. i’m glad of that, i’m glad i can help calm her and sometimes get her to focus a little. i wish i lived closer so i could be here more often. if i lived in the area i’d come by every day after work and maybe in the mornings, too, so i could catch her at her best. i just want to help her know it’s ok for her to go if she wants to and that where she is she’s fine. she’s ok.

she’s afraid of being alone, she told me. she knows everyone loves her, she pshawed and said, ‘i know *that*.’ last time i reminded her. but i think she really wants people physically with her.

i think she doesn’t like that she isn’t home, that grandpa isn’t there (we still haven’t told her why), that she can’t just do what she wants to when she wants to. that she can’t die but she can’t really live.

please click here, and scroll down if you have to, to find the eulogy my uncle wrote for my grandfather’s funeral. it’s amazing, really, i’m not just saying that.

we’ve started the hard hard work of going through grandpa and grandma’s things. she won’t be back, so we’re doing it all at once. it’s heartbreaking, necessary, and raw.

today is grandpa’s birthday. he would have been 86. wow, grandma was a cradle robber! he was just really lucky that no one else got to her first.

(she was engaged twice before marrying my grandfather, but grandpa’s engagement was the only one that took.)

mom said that when grandpa was sick in the hospital, she asked him to please send her a sign if there is a heaven and he gets there before her. she said what she wanted was for, wherever she was, please make it rain on his birthday.

(her original idea had to do with just one video conference, please. she changed to the rain, though, because she thought this would be really easy for him to do.)

the past couple days have been warm and sunny. yet, this morning when she left to take my dad to the airport as they pulled out of the garage it started to rain. it rained the whole way from barberton to cleaveland.

mom asked her brother, ‘what do you think?’

and he said, ‘i can tell you i’m glad it rained.’

me, too.

there is so much food here. and almost all of it meat or pie (or cake). i’m surviving on potato salad, cheese, and dessert. i think the sugar rush is the only thing keeping me from completely melting down.

we saw grandma this morning. she was much more lucid than yesterday. but, she knows me each time i walk in the room. i joke that it’s because i’m the only blonde, but that’s not really true. i’m not sure why she knows me, but i’m glad she does.

when too many people are in the room, she gets overwhelmed. her eyes get big and she looks a little frightened. i like to catch her eye at that point and tell her it’s ok, she doesn’t need to interact with everyone, we don’t mind if she doesn’t want to talk. maybe i’m making it up, but it seems to help a little.

today when we went to visit she was sitting up in her wheelchair. she wanted to go on a walk. well, really she said no one comes to visit her ever, and if no one comes, who would push her around? so we changed her o2 tube to connect to the portable tank and off we went! cousin lony and i wrote a note asking the beautician to do grandma’s hair tomorrow then caught up with mom and aunt s as they were coming back in from their 30 seconds outside. they got to see the flowers before grandma decided it was just too cold.

we sat in the foyer for a bit before grandma got suddenly very tired. i remembered her o2 tank had made some funny noised earlier, and sure enough… when the nurse checked it for us… it was out. we took grandma back to her room and after much begging on her part, put her back into bed. (she even held her hands together in faux prayer.)

she asks about grandpa, but my mom and her sibs don’t think it’s a good idea to tell her. we’re not sure she’s going to remember if we do tell her. i’m not sure i agree, but i don’t think it’s going to be at all helpful to argue the point right now. she looks concerned when we tell her grandpa is sick and can’t come see her. like she doesn’t believe us and thinks there’s some other reason he’s not visiting. “where’s dad?” “where’s bob?” she asks every time i’ve visited her.

as we left, my mom cried and said it felt like she’d been robbed. she doesn’t really have two parents anymore. she’s lost them both. that grandma is so far from normal. i told her that how grandma is IS normal, that it’s still really hard, but that it is normal.

i realized later that might not have been the most comforting thing to say.

tonight from five to eight was the viewing and visiting hours. family only from five to six, with an open casket, and then public visiting hours from six to eight with a closed casket.

mom and loney didn’t want to see grandpa so they spent the first hour out in the foyer of the funeral home. i’m think they were the only two who didn’t go in at that point.

i had to. i had to make it real. i wish i had a picture, no matter how tacky that seems, because it still doesn’t seem right. it still doesn’t seem believable. i’m not sure why. i guess because it was so sudden compared to grandma great and poppo. aj was pretty sudden, and i’ve never even seen her grave, so even her being gone feels a little weird. though not as weird as being in grandpa and grandma’s house and knowing he’s dead and she’s never leaving the nursing home.

ugh.

i didn’t want them to close the casket, and i didn’t want to leave the funeral home when the visiting hours were over. his is the first dead body i’ve ever touched. i put my hand on his hand before i left so they could close the casket.

i didn’t touch poppo. is it really the sudden aspect of this that’s making it so hard for me? poppo was sick for so long it was almost relief when he died. this is a blessing for grandpa because he didn’t have to suffer through the pancriatic cancer, but i wanted more hugs and more songs and more of his voice and his huge grandpa hands and…
i would be standing there chatting with relatives and suddenly realize i’d sort of forgotten why we were there. and the casket was closed by then so i’d look over and have to force myself to know that grandpa was inside.

i’m afraid tomorrow is going to be really hard for me.

i just want to curl up with someone and be held all night and cry and cry and cry.

i also want mom to let me stay and help with grandma for a while and help she and pat go through the house and sort things. mostly, i want to spend my time with grandma. she’s so little. like a little bird, we’ve always said, and it’s so true. a tiny tiny woman, about ninty five pounds now. i want to sit with her and hold her hand and reasure her when they come get her for therapy.

she hates therapy so much that today she said it would be ok if she got pnemonia if that was her choice besides therapy. she’d rather have pnemonia!

we all think she’ll go soon, but it’s hard to say for sure.

the first night i was here i dreamed that the nursing home called to say she’d died, too. mom and dad both say it would be a blessing for her, and i’m inclined to agree. she’s not interested in doing what she needs to do to get her health back, and i’m not sure how much she could regain even with a lot of effort on her part. her quality of life is … well it’s really hard to say. she’s not aware of her surroundings for most of the time, and she does seem to be confused a lot. what kind of life is that for her?

so many questions and i’m feeling so far away.

if you’re so inclined, you can read my grandfather’s obituary here and can leave a message in the guestbook for the family to read.

later today i’ll go through the box of letters my grandpa wrote to my grandma while they were dating and for a while after they were married. (she returned to ohio with my mom before he was out of the service.)

if i have kids when my parents die and those kids say like seventy thousand time that they WANT to go, i’m not going to say, oh, don’t come yet, just stay at work.

they’re taking him off the machines here in a little bit. but they still don’t want me to come out yet.

things have gone downhill really fast. one of my aunts noticed chief was jaundiced a week ago today. they did a cat scan saturday and found he has inoperable pancreatic cancer. he was admitted sunday and they tried, but failed, to put in a stint monday.

yesterday (or the day before) they made an incision in his side to help drain his gallbladder and he developed a very serious infection from that. his breathing is laboured, he’s asked for a dnr. mom asked him, ‘what if i can give you one more year to live?’ he said no, it’s over, it’s time.
he’s still alive but they just gave him last rights.

…

of course, rosie’s been given last rights a number of times. i guess that’s why they don’t actually call it last rights anymore, but something else that i can’t think of right now. but, she didn’t have a dnr. she wanted to fight. it sounds like chief is just wants to let this happen.

for him i think it’s best. i’m not sure how well he’d do having to live after rosie dies. it’s a blessing for him, but man is it difficult for the rest of us.

…

just waiting for that call to fly to ohio.

this is what the practice is all about. so much changes from minute to minute that it’s hard to get your footing. sitting helps us (hopefully) get more comfortable with all this change. i’m so glad i stumbled onto this of all paths.
marty is leaving the hospital today; change of meds is the approach going forward for her heart.

rosie… sigh. not looking good.

chief is so in love with rosie still. he sounded lightyears better when i talked to him in the hospital last. that was when he was sharing a room with rosie and he told me he’s always better when she’s around. so sweet.

as far as housing. i’m back at looking at 1bdrm condos. my monthly rent will be higher w/out a housemate… can i afford it? maybe this really isn’t the best time for me. dad will be here sunday and start the full force househunting next monday. three days, full time looking. by wednesday we’ll have started the process or decided to buy a rental property in fla.

rosie is in rehab. chief is out. but grandma marty is in the hospital now, too.

rosie and chief are both in the hospital now. they’ve managed to get put in the same room, their beds are toe to toe so they can see each other when they sit up.

chief had a blood clot removed, and all went well.

rosie… they think now she might have lung cancer.

i know you can all hear me yelling, ‘i love you!’ down the phone at my half deaf grandparents, but by golly it’s valentine’s day and rosie wanted to talk to me.

everyone’s happy today. grandma is doing a little better, though the conversation was pretty short.

rosie: ‘hi [sparkle], how are you?’

me: ‘fine grandma, how are you?’

r: ‘good. well, thanks for calling.’

me: ‘happy valentine’s day.’

r: ‘oh, you, too. bye.’

me: ‘bye.’

of course, she’s exahusted. she handed the phone off to grandpa who talked a little longer. he’s so loud i’m sure the whole office could hear him singing his little song of the unflattering nickname he has for me.

*blush*

happy valentines day from the stinkeroo.

rosie

she’s home from the hospital, but she’s not eating well and mom says it’s hard to get her out of bed. they decided to forgo the care facility after she ended up back in the hospital because they weren’t caring properly for her. (she got a blood clot from being left in one position in bed too long.)

luckily, two of her four children are nurses. my aunt took last week full time. mom’s ther this week full time, and hopefully by the end of the week she won’t need as much professional care and my other aunt and uncle can each take a turn.

i’m on backup, and might yet end up in ohio to spend a week with chief and rosie.

but, mom says they’ve all talked and made the decision that grandma is not going back to the hospital. if she doesn’t make it she gets to die at home, which is what she wants.

the whole situation is groundless. there’s no way to get my footing. lets just say it’s very good for my practice.