A Treasure Found at Home

i was all proud of myself for getting out of the house at a decent hour to get some errands done this morning. i drove to the hole fuds, which wasn’t open yet.

aside: it’s so weird to me, even after 7 years here, that things don’t open at a decent hour in the morning and they don’t stay open in the evenings. case in point, the farmer’s market 2 blocks from my house doesn’t start till 10AM! crazy!

anyhow, i thought i’d go to the chain store up the way instead since i new it was 1) open 2) less expensive and 3) across the street from my vet where i need to get meds for my meowers. it’s also next to starbucks. i know i get a lot of flack for going there, but it’s right next to the grocery store and i have a gift card. now starbucks was built on the idea that all the stores are the same, it’s easy and you know what you’re going to get. well, i got charged wrong for my drink and asked them to re-ring it. then the drink didn’t taste right so i brought it back and the woman didn’t offer to re-make it. i was still tired and hungry and getting grumpier and things not going right for me, so i just added some sugar and left (after dropping my lid on the floor).

i had two things on my grocery store list, but could only find one of them. then managed to pick the slowest moving line - even after they opened a new register and took some people from in front of me.

after that i nearly forgot to go to the vet’s! *sigh* i doubled back and pulled into the mostly empty parking lot. i looked at the hours on the door: SAT 8:30 — yes! it was 8:27. rock. on.

i sat in the car a few minutes then went to the door as one of the women who worked there was walking in. she looked at me and said, “we don’t open till nine.”

me, “well, the door days 8:30″

her, “today is sunday.”

me, “… oh. um. uh, i thought it was saturday.”

she let me in early and sold me the meds since it was just a quick pick up and not complex in the least.

THANK YOU, woman at the vet, you turned my whole day around!

other things i’m grateful for this weekend:

• free tango lesson
• easy parking for meditation
• dvr - esp. firefly
• warm weather
• swimming today

today is bike to work day and, as far as i can tell, i pass exactly zero energizing stations on my route to work.

that’s fine, really. to be honest, i had planned to bike to work today before i even remembered that it was going to be bike to work day. today i’m going to the office closer to home, instead of in the city. i’m not splitting my time between them, as i do some occasional days now, and … i just bought a new folding bike! not that i needed a folding bike to get to this office, but it does have a nice little holder rack on the back so i can take my lunch or something heavyisher without putting it in my messenger bag. (maybe i’m packing it wrong so that lunch ends up mushed, but thems the breaks.)

i’m just very grateful that as these gas prices have gotten higher and higher i’ve been able to take public transportation to my old office (and have a very nice walk by the bay every day) and that now that i’m in my new office i had a friend selling her folding bike, i’m close enough to ride easily ( < 3 mi ), and i still get to go by a body of water every day. plus, dude y’all, my legs are going to look really good!

today is not only a full moon and the andc (the quarterly celebration of my dance community) but a handful of other religious holidays as well. the theme for this andc is beginner’s mind.

i helped design the invites. this was my favourite, but it wasn’t the one we used. i really like the spaciousness involved. i’m really trying to go into this with an open mind, a beginner’s mind, since my attachment to the community has been tenuous, at best, over the last year. it was a year ago when i started to have significant issues outside of the community which prevented my full participation. for the march 2007 andc i had agreed to share a role with someone, but it became clear that because of stress and circumstances in my paying job, i needed to stay home. i asked for help, i asked for a replacement, but didn’t get any answer except a worried note from the other person i was sharing the role with… not worried about me, worried about the role.

no one stepped up to cover for me, so i went anyhow. i hadn’t slept much in the past couple weeks and i didn’t want to be there, so when i finally ran into my counterpart and she told me she’d planed to do the whole thing alone and that she was ok with that, i left. i think i may have been there for an hour total.

the next andc i had food poisoning and left after maybe two hours. the next andc was just after the end of some pretty wildly bizzare difficulties at work. let’s just sum that up by saying that even when i wasn’t on call and up for hours dealing with that stuff, i was a wreck. the andc was crowded and the energy was more ‘frat party’ and sexual than i understood our intention to be - some guy i don’t know stuck his tongue down my throat without asking if i wanted any sort of kiss from him. come december, i felt like i was really starting to get back to normal. that andc i stayed all night, slept in the chill space, but can’t really say there was much magical about the night for me.

so, now we’re back to march and i’m back to normal. probably more normal than i’ve felt in a long time. i’m realizing some compromises i made which don’t feel good to me and i’m interested in the world again - interested in taking chances and in finding that intersection between amazing and ordinary.

i opened my book of daily buddhist reminders. today’s is from pema chödrön.

If we knew that tonight we were going to go blind, we would take a longing, last real look at every blade of grass, every cloud formation, every speck of dust, every rainbow, raindrop — everything.

this is the attitude i want for myself when i step into that church tonight, when i go to breakfast tomorrow, when i go to class after that, and when i drive to my cousins’ for easter on sunday. this weekend i will rest in the ground of gratitude. this weekend i’m going for beginner’s mind.

• tomato soup
• mac’s mac expertise
• moshing leprechauns
• chai
• twitter
• design your own duvet cover
• secret, the dog, played fetch with me at work
• meowers, aka galahad, cuddling with me in the morning
• distance, breathing room
• blue
• sunroof
• the ferry
• pretzels
• knowing i made the right choice
• kiki’s new home

i’ve done a lot of crying today. not all of it’s been bad. most of it, in fact hasn’t been bad. i’m just letting go of some things i’ve been holding on to for no really good reason except habit. they are, in fact, habits i’m sure i’ll have to let go of again and again, as is the wont with habits.

i started the day reading some of point three (of mind training) and the paramita of patience. the 47 slogans of mind training are organized into seven points. slogan 13 is my favourite so far, and the one i’m currently most intimidated by.

“be grateful to everyone”

this should be of no surprise since my favourite number is 13, and the title of my blog is an allusion to shantideva’s remarks on the subject:

So like a treasure found at home,
Enriching me without fatigue,
All enemies are helpers in my bodhisattva work
And therefore they should be a joy to me.

except in my title i’m the treasure, the one to be grateful to. see, we’re like little rubies found under the couch cushion because we point out your path to enlightenment. “here,” we say as we piss you off, “here is where you could use a little improvement on that path.” it’s much easier to be on that end than to be on the end where you’re giving the gratitude.

in the early afternoon i talked to my meditation instructor. he told me things i knew but needed reminding of, which is what all of this study really feels like to me, so he must be right on target. i cried.

next went to a book club meeting where we had a difficult discussion. i didn’t cry, but my heart was pretty tender when i left. so i came home and looked for a movie to watch. usually, i do this and decide i’m not really in the mood for whatever is on. i thought i would end up reading or folding laundry.

instead, i watched ‘becoming jane’. holy cow. maybe because i’m a hopeless romantic deep under this cynical exterior, but i caught my breath when she turned around and was suddenly dancing with him. of course, i knew the end end. i just wasn’t sure how they would get there, and as with certain other stories i know very well, i hoped for a miracle. i suppose in a way i got one, jane austin wrote some amazing literature and certainly helped pave the way for women writers in this western world.  and… i cried.

i cried for jane and for me and for letting go and for doing the right thing… the really right thing for what i want and what i’m afraid i can’t live up to and i sat for 15 min and cried for at least half of it. and i felt like a fool and was glad i was sitting alone in the dark with only my cat to witness (and now, of course, i’ve written all down for you to read). i use a 15 min mp3 meditation timer which features a few seconds of silence, a gong, 15 min of silence, then three gongs and a few more seconds of silence which i use to dedicate the merit.

the next song in itunes just happens to be a well know everly brothers tune. can you guess? it’s ‘crying in the rain’.

• sick day - naps
• pop up LOST
• postcard from postcrossing
• got brown glasses back
• sick day - home for LOST
• muddled plans worked themselves out
• blue
• i’m not short
• pi

sunday i had brunch at the farmer’s market in jack london square with some community people. between the sun and the kids playing and the tall ships (which look like pirate ships) all i can say is…. omg! puppies! it’s true, the highlight was being loved and kissed and loved and kissed by a K-9 officer — a bomb sniffing dog — while she was on her break. i hope you had at least one equally simply lovely moment.

monday i went to the dentist in the morning. since my appointment wasn’t first first thing, i stopped by the eye doctor to swap out glasses.

probably never a good idea if i want to be in a good mood. for those counting that’s picking up the green glasses after i sent them back once and sending the brown glasses away again. even if there was nothing wrong with the distance vision, i’d have had to send them back this many times because the bifocals have been distractingly wrong. they seem to have something against measuring. the woman who took my glasses this time wouldn’t remeasure. it’s crazy!

anyhow, with that to start my day i went to the dentist. i was exhausted, too. for no real particular reason that i can tell. i was wondering if i might fall asleep in the chair, i was so tired.

but, no such luck. as she was scraping the plaque off my teeth, she hit a super sensitive spot. and, really, the woman who cleans my teeth is wonderful. she’s very careful because she knows i have always had sensitive teeth. (a result of years of antibiotics when i was a toddler?) i guess hitting the spot on the side of the tooth set the whole thing to extra sensitive. when she balanced her gloved finger on it to use as a fulcrum for cleaning another tooth, the top was super sensitive too!

urgh.

so she tried not to touch that tooth or the one next to it as she cleaned the rest. but between the tired and the jumpy tooth i was having a hard time. i wasn’t crying or pulling away or saying “ouch!” … well, maybe i said “ow”. anyhow, she offered me the topical anesthetic. she said it sometimes helps with sensitivity. i agreed, it was worth a shot even though the topical i’d had several times as a child seemed to do nothing.

let me tell you, this was not the topical from my childhood! she slathered it on, and since it was a liquid it went dripping right down my throat. and it stung just a little but mostly tasted AWFUL! i coughed and she rinsed my throat for me and said, “well, this just isn’t your day, is it?”

no, it really wasn’t.

but, man that topical worked like crazy. not 30 seconds later the whole left half of my mouth was numb! she quick scraped the rest of my teeth and made a note to give me this stuff next time, too.  thank goodness for understanding dental technicians! the anesthetic has a really short half life, as well, so by the time i was back downtown and picking up a sammich i could feel my whole mouth again.

i stopped for cat food and sparkle food on the way home (yay! pb&j!) watched a little tv as i washed a load of clothes and went to bed early sleeping almost all the way through the night. the only time i woke was when galahad was startled into sitting bolt upright. i listened but couldn’t hear anything so i chalked it up to another cat walking by the window and went right back to sleep.

last saturday my across the street neighbour had a get together at his place. i’ve been experiencing continued disillusionment and uncomfortableness in terms of where i fit into my community and if it’s really the right one for me, blah blah blah. i found out about the party last minute so my unpreparedness and my lack of confidence were working together to keep me from going.

however, i hadn’t seen flo in weeks (she was in ireland) and i really like my neighbour, so i figured i’d go for a little while. it’s not a huge commitment when i can retreat back across the street if i get too uncomfortable, right?

i was greeted at the door by someone thanking me for something i’d done. big happy hug, and a genuine thank you. i stumbled up the stairs in a daze of happiness. later i was dancy dancing about and another friend saw me from across the floor. she smiled brightly and pointed at me; i hadn’t seen her in a while so i thought she was just giving me a happy greeting. when she got to me, she also gave me a huge thank you for something i’d helped set in motion for her… i gave her someone’s name who i thought could help with something she’d asked about.

what a great night. on top of the wonderful music and usual catching up with people, it felt great to have people spontaneously express their gratitude to/for me.

today i’m still tired, but it was well worth it.

• itunes shared folders
• smell of pine trees
• clear morning on the bay
• warm day in the atrium
• eggnog late
• memories of computer camp
• warm soft bed to sleep in
• cute as a kitten cat to cuddle with
• new shower head
• yesterday’s rain did not mean *I* was in an accident, though i saw some

for thanksgiving day i drove to sac from the bay area. i figured it would take a little longer than the usual 1.5 hours, but i did not realize just how bad it would really be.

i’d misremembered the email and thought dinner was going to be earlier than what it was actually scheduled for. and i’m sure we’re all familiar with how being hungry can add to the difficulties of traffic. we were creeping slowly along when i decided i needed some something if i was going to make it to my cousins’ house in one piece. i pulled off at an exit which advertised several fast food places and treated myself to a nostalgic  cheeseburger and fries from a drive through. since everyone was driving to dinner and apparently afraid to ruin their appetite, it was the fastest drive through experience of my life.

still, i had to wait for the light twice, and paused to unwrap my straw. you can imagine my surprise and frustration when i got back on to the highway and noticed i was still surrounded by the same people! no kidding! there was the suv with the two bikes on the back, one a little girl’s strawberry shortcake bike with a big strawberry in the middle of the spokes. and there was the same prius with the same personalized license plate. i was really glad i’d gotten something to eat.

i arrived late at my cousins’ house to the normal noise and confusion. the turkey wasn’t cooking fast enough for the starving masses so they’d carved it up and finished the bits in the microwave. not what jo would have liked, but she also wasn’t interested in the revolt that was stirring. eight screaming children under 5 years old and their hungry parents just don’t care if it’s microwaved.

between the two brothers s and j there are 17 grandkids. this holiday saw eight of the 16 under seven years old and the one young teen girl, who is stuck in between the major age groupings of under 7 or over 30. but this year she had a little company in the in between. one of the cousins was divorced earlier in the year and brought his new girl around to meet the family. what a boisterous introduction, i felt a little badly for her. aside from this being the first time she’d met the vast majority of them, she’s also in her mid 20s — much younger than he is. i know, i know, sometimes that works but there was something about her that really said Young, with a capital Y. she seemed really sweet, though, so maybe it was just being overwhelmed by this loud family. and by loud i mean sometimes i couldn’t hear the person i was talking to.

jo and s asked my to stay over instead of trying to drive home with all the potential traffic and drunk drivers and accidents. on the way in, one of the families had seen an accident featuring a man standing out beside the cars with his hands behind his back and officers with their weapons drawn. it seemed safer to have me stay over to sleep off the tryptophan and drive home when there were less people on the road.

the whole experience was a celebration of bounty — of traffic, of family, of food, of children, of love, of conversation, of noise, of energy, of concern, of happiness.

• marching drum corps
• thoughtful, beautiful birthday gifts
• flo helped clean up after
• flo and ham helped set up, clean the place, and make the food
• the plumbing is not stopped up
• yummy kisses
• fondue!
• champagne!
• great conversations
• snorgling mr. pants
• mid party wheelbarrow
• reading amusing post party reflections
• easy sunday morning
• sh took photos during the shindig
• surprise candles and singing
• the electricity did NOT go out in the middle of the party… *blush*

• dancy dancy
• free bluegrass in the park
• warm days
• good book
• matcha chai
• soft warm green sheets
• yummy sidecar
• spins on the dance floor
• catching up with friends, however brief
• hugs
• kisses
• unprompted agreement
• leftover faux duck sammich
• new friend

• watching power shovel clean up rubble this morning
• chai
• new hair goop
• amazon.com mp3 downloads
• super secret andrew-from-high-school related thing i can’t blog about
• xkcd.com
• last year’s birthday mix from hamster_grrl
• wordpress upgrade

• hiking
• abandoned WWII military sites
• side trails
• deer
• picnic
• green hat guy noticed me but didn’t push it
• waves
• getting back before we got trapped by the water
• i have a job — but i wasn’t on call
• dancin’
• chatting with friends
• chatting with new people (like i promised myself i would)
• my soft soft bed at 5am
• sleeping as long as i felt like it
• **i found my remote!!!!**

I haven’t seen or heard a lot of coverage on this, but the mayor of San Diego quite suddenly and unexpectedly changed his position on same sex marraige and signed a resolution he’d previously said he would veto.

watch this video to hear his explanation in his own words. but be forwarned, it’s not for watching in public if you don’t like people seeing you tear up.
(more…)

i don’t have much coherent to say today. lots of changes at work. the unblogable stuff got sorted, but we have a new manager and we’re all getting used to the changes.

burning man was a fantastic step away from all the stuff i worry about here. i actually felt my back tensing up the closer and closer to oaktwn we got. hrm. maybe it’s time to look at some big changes here, too.

anyhow, since there’s not a lot of well formed thoughts for me to share, i figured i’d write a gratitude list to get me back in the swing of the blog.

• banana creame latte
• free work shuttle
• my own w/d
• new hair cut (not way diff, but cleaned up for sure)
• new jacket
• dinner w/chef monday
• cuddly cuddly kitten love
• sorting out HUGE ASS misunderstanding
• bookstore i can walk to

• new opportunities
• athletic tape
• fire fans
• emoticons
• cream cheese filled french toast
• full deposit returned by sketchy rental agency
• monkeys and robots
• getting back in touch with old friends
• found time for a car wash
• spring and all that comes with it

• filing taxes online
• sunshine
• caramel
• hugs
• IM - so much faster at problem solving than email
• warm showers and fluffy towels
• sweet emails
• reasurance
• fabulous willits leads! it’s so going to rock.

• waking up with a purring cat next to me
• warm slippers
• haircut/cleanup/colour
• champagne!
• new skirts from clothing swap
• sammich - yum!
• no bruise on my forehead
• golden year of the fire pig
• potluck
• sticky food and fluffy food
• sunny days
• dog! another dog! another dog! a dog the colour of caramel!
• ride home in the cold last night
• little tiny red (and black) licorice pigs
• funny space noises on phone call