A Treasure Found at Home

today is bike to work day and, as far as i can tell, i pass exactly zero energizing stations on my route to work.

that’s fine, really. to be honest, i had planned to bike to work today before i even remembered that it was going to be bike to work day. today i’m going to the office closer to home, instead of in the city. i’m not splitting my time between them, as i do some occasional days now, and … i just bought a new folding bike! not that i needed a folding bike to get to this office, but it does have a nice little holder rack on the back so i can take my lunch or something heavyisher without putting it in my messenger bag. (maybe i’m packing it wrong so that lunch ends up mushed, but thems the breaks.)

i’m just very grateful that as these gas prices have gotten higher and higher i’ve been able to take public transportation to my old office (and have a very nice walk by the bay every day) and that now that i’m in my new office i had a friend selling her folding bike, i’m close enough to ride easily ( < 3 mi ), and i still get to go by a body of water every day. plus, dude y’all, my legs are going to look really good!

yesterday i got to acupuncture and mo asked me if i was feeling brave about acupuncture or not. i told her i was, in fact, and had been thinking about that needle in the top of my head that everyone tells me is so great.

so she cleaned off the spot and my hands started to sweat, she rubbed her fingers over my head to find exactly where it should go and i flapped my hands and feet around a bit, and she stuck the needle in and i froze. everyone describes this calming feeling spreading over you from that point, but all i could feel was a NEEDLE in MY HEAD!

she has this bocci bocci (and i’m sure i’m spelling that wrong) thing that gives little electrical pulses to the acupuncture points. it looks like a pen and she’ll use it instead of a needle sometimes (for me, lots of times). so she took off my socks and did a round of bocci bocci on my legs and then on my arms, then did the whole thing again, and ever clicked on my ear and forehead just for good measure.

it helped, but i was still tense. i could tell her i was better and would be ok. she ran her fingers over my forehead to relax me more (after asking if it was ok for her to be so close to the needle). then she had to go take care of her other patients.

i managed to further calm down and would slip in and out of sleep. this isn’t uncommon for me with “intense” relaxation points. i’ll start to fall asleep, but can’t really relax so i wake back up again. when she removed it i finally relaxed and she congratulated me and i really did feel proud of myself.

i called hamster_grrl on the way home and had a good long catch up call then went to sleep early to catch up on what i missed monday and tuesday nights.

this morning i noticed some soreness in my back and shoulder especially when i take a deep breath. i guess i was holding myself even more tensely than i realized last night. or… the relaxation part of the treatment really did work. i’m sure i’m not the only one who sometimes feels strangely sore after a good massage, when those muscles all finally let go of what they’ve been holding on to.

it’s a nice reminder of the progress i’m making.

• tomato soup
• mac’s mac expertise
• moshing leprechauns
• chai
• twitter
• design your own duvet cover
• secret, the dog, played fetch with me at work
• meowers, aka galahad, cuddling with me in the morning
• distance, breathing room
• blue
• sunroof
• the ferry
• pretzels
• knowing i made the right choice
• kiki’s new home

so i did ask my acupuncturist for the magic needle of “i’m good enough”. she had just the spot in mind. she’s been wanting to try it for a while because it will be good for me. it’s very near another spot i had no problem with.

it’s in that fat part of your hand, between the thumb and fingers. previously, she’d put a small needle in nearer the base of the thumb. this time, it was much closer to the knuckle of my pointer finger.

f irst, i felt it get close to the other side of my hand! i don’t know how else to describe the feeling, even though i know the needles aren’t going to go all the way through, that’s what it felt like might happen. then… the pinchy needle feeling. ouch ouch ouch… hello panic, crapity crapity… i had to demand that she take it out. the other needles from her had never felt like that.

while the rational side of my mind was thinking, “could you take it out, please?” in a sort of concerned voice, what came out of my mouth was, “Ah! Ah! Out! Take it OUT! Take it OUT!”

i just hope i didn’t scare anyone else in the office. meh. i still got three more needles after that, too! so, good recovery, sparkle, good recovery.

a handful of us went on a full moon hike yesterday after work. i’d asked for suggestions. as this used to be a more ritualistic experience i figured someone knew something about where to go.

i got a few replies, all asking me to tell them where it would be.

oh…

i picked a trail that said, “The path descends into a mature bay forest, follows the contour for about half a mile, and then ascends to the botanically rich upper trail.” sounds good, yes? i thought so. some trees, but an upper trail where we could see the moon.

well, turns out by “botanically rich” they also mean tree-covered. we hardly saw the moon at all, but when we did it was beautimous. hiking in the dark, though was really fun.

i scared some small animal, i think, at some point, and it scared me back. i heard some small growling from the bush next to me when i stopped. boy, did i jump! everyone else (there were five of us total) asked what happened and encouraged me to come on over just a little closer when i said i thought i heard growling. then i had to explain that it really was sort of more like chipmunk growling. whatever, man! those buggers probably have really sharp claws! and rabies!

there are, of course, no pictures. it was too dark. i tried to take one of the absolutely beautiful sunset and backlit trees, but they all came out blurry. instead you’ll all just have to start your own moonlight hikes.

• hiking
• abandoned WWII military sites
• side trails
• deer
• picnic
• green hat guy noticed me but didn’t push it
• waves
• getting back before we got trapped by the water
• i have a job — but i wasn’t on call
• dancin’
• chatting with friends
• chatting with new people (like i promised myself i would)
• my soft soft bed at 5am
• sleeping as long as i felt like it
• **i found my remote!!!!**

EDIT: this got stuck in the drafts folder and was never posted.

i know i haven’t written in for-evah, but life has been… let’s just say there has been a lot to think about. stuff going on at work that i’m not to talk about, a minor car accident, my parents visited, and today i’m going for a check up for all that medical stuff that was going on this winter.

i stayed with flo last night so i’d be closer to my appointment. she’s flying out today, so i agreed to get up a little early and take her to the ‘plane station’. unfortunately, the pager started going off at 3:10 this morning. blah, meh, grrrr. so here i am at an early opening cafe restarting the server in a second bid to make this system page stop. i restarted the server it’s trying to talk to, hoping that would fix the problem w/out disturbing anyone’s work, to no avail. me vs. the servers: round 2.

i’m sleepy still and my mind is all over the place. i’m thinking of all the email i haven’t sent to anyone. if i owe you an email, you’re not alone.

for instance, dov asked about strep and the heart valves. certainly i don’t have any symptoms of weakened heart valves now, but the natural progression of untreated strep is that it ends up in your heart valves and weakens them. over time (several illnesses) they can be weakened enough to become a problem if you ever have other heart issues. at least, that’s the way i understand it.

ok, really i’m at *$’s. no surprise, they’re everywhere! i got this same “The Way I See It” a few weeks ago and laughed out loud in the parking lot as i read it. i got some funny looks, i tell you what. anyhow TWISI # 225:

People don’t read enough. And what reading we do is cursory, without absorbing the subtleties and nuances that lie deep within –Wow, you’ve stopped paying attention, haven’t you? People can’t even read a coffee cup without drifting off.

–David Shore Creator and executive producer of the television drama House.

keen, server’s up and pager’s silent! i win!

there’s a meme going around that’s 10 things about myself that you might not know. i did the six things back in december, but now it’s up to ten and has gotten a bit more personal. i thought for a long time about what to post, but figured i’m not getting it done that way so instead i’ll just jump right in.

1. some days i think i must be neuro-diverse, a little Different: somewhere on the autism scale. but i don’t match all the major symptoms so i don’t know…

2. because of this, i think maybe i’ll never manage to find a life partner or a long term romantic relationship that works for me…

3. and so i’m nervous that i will never have children…

4. and i’m nervous that if i do get pregnant my children will be clearly autistic.

5. i’m to scared to skydive and i regret not doing it when i had the balls. (but i still want to dive with sharks! big sharks! in that cage! with the chum!)

6. lately when i look in the mirror, i look bigger and puffier… but my clothes fit exactly the same way so i know i’m not actually getting fat.

7. i really really really really hate… HATE to be lied to.

8. i don’t do my hair or wear makeup in part because i think it makes me more approachable by the sort of person i would want to end up with.

9. when i was little “nun working with orphan” was higher on my list of desired careers than “corporate grunt”.

10.  sometimes i wonder if i’d be more successful if i were not as smart.
10a. and then i wonder if i’d be more successful if i were much smarter.

yeah, this is going to be about VT… sorta. really, more about the ‘fallout’ around mental health services. my ideas aren’t well formed here, yet, to say the least.

i’m writing to try to make sense, here, of how i feel and what i think. actually, i don’t have time to make sense of what i think right now, so this will be even less like that and more like a post that i hope gets all of you to think, as well.

when i first heard the rumblings about the VT shooter’s mental state and the questions around why he didn’t get the help he needed i have to admit i was pretty happy about the thought of more opportunity to help.

a friend of mine had a pharmaceutically sponsored breakdown a few years back. he was on the wrong meds, suspected as much, but couldn’t pay for ‘regular’ mental health care and was instead working with the city. his psych wasn’t interested in his side effects and he ended up in a locked ward for a week with many difficult month afterward attempting to sort out his new meds. luckily for him, he’s found something that works and is, as they say, a ‘new man’.

recently a good friend’s brother tried to kill himself. they also can’t afford insurance. he’s been hospitalized before and even now remains on a waiting list.

i was thrilled to think that people like my friend from a few years ago and my other friend’s brother could be in a position to receive more  personalized and appropriate care! but i didn’t consider the ‘other side’. i forgot about how other people see mental health issues. i admit i was thinking selfishly, but jo reminded me what new guidelines could mean and how all this talk reflects on some people.

my goodness! no. i don’t want this stigma on her at all. i don’t want this stigma on anyone, i only want people who need help to be in a position to get help. and i want people who know someone needs help to be in a position to help, even when that someone maybe doesn’t realize. but, yeah, it’s a sticky point. the big problem with forcing someone into a psych ward (besides the stigma) is that they won’t do their part if they’re not ready to.

so, the question is, how to we create a supportive mental health system which protects people from themselves when they are ill and accurately diagnoses who needs to be reigned in a bit and who’s just a little different?

as much as jo’s post made me stop and think of repercussions for her and the people she met, i do see a difference. there do need to be some checks on behaviour. there is always that one weird kid, but sometimes that weirdness crosses a line. and while we can’t force anyone to become healthier, we can certainly, hopefully, find a better way to help our professors set appropriate boundaries.

i’ve been sick, and way stressed out by work, so there hasn’t been any real writing going on. there hasn’t even been much imaginary writing going on, either. no “i should blog about that” moments.

returning towels, picking up some art i had reframed, and lunch outside with garma took up the middle of saturday. i spent the morning hours having coffee and a very good heart to heart with creampuff. yay, actually seeing people!

sunday i had breakfast with tarheelborn, and my god, i just wanted to order everything on the menu. this place she took me to rocks. there’s no question i’m going back, and i’m taking flo and anyone else i can drag along with me. shrimp and grits, crepe suzette… mmmmmmm.

anyhow, later i met up with flo and country ham for a tour around ikea. just as i was about to leave to pick them up at bart, though, my neck started to really ache, and then my back. i popped a couple pain killers, but to no avail. i was hurting for sure, and starting to get that odd disconnectedness that comes with viruses.

monday i tried to be sick, but there was a problem at work and i worked from home the whole day, stressing and getting no rest.

by tuesday, my throat was on fire and i was avoiding any acidic or potentially crunchy foods. i had my regular acupressure therapy appointment in the morning, and was given the *tiniest* pills known to man to help relieve the pain my throat a little faster. she said something about, “even if you have strep… blah blah”, but there was no way i’d let that slide. i watched like a hawk for white spots. i am not interested in potentially weakening my heart valves in the name of alternative medicines. i’m not one to overuse antibiotics, i even try not to by antibacterial products at the store, but there are times when it’s appropriate.

back home after being pressed and warmed (i love that she has a heat lamp in her office!) and logged in to find the problem still going on. i told them to call if they needed anything, like if they had a specific question they needed me to answer, then i took my fevery self to bed and slept!

yesterday was sort of spacey. i came into work and was feeling a little better toward the end of the day, but was completely worn out by the end of the day. i napped a bit, sent some important non-work emails (just so i could pretend to have a life outside my job) and then watched lost.

**spoiler below the cut** (more…)

galahad is really getting into the nature shows that are happening in our living room. last night i was watching the mini series on discovery about the earth. i can’t recall the exact name, but i’m sure you’re aware of what i’m talking about.

they showed a clip of the birds of paradise doing a variety of mating dances and clearing spaces on the forest floor for said dances. galahad perked right up at that and started stalking the tv.

i’m sure he thinks i ruined it by petting him — which distracted him just long enough for that bird to get away. darn owner, never petting when he wants me to, always catching the birds and letting them go outside or distracting him while they escape.

i fell asleep on the couch right after the mating dances. good thing i was recording the show. for those of you playing along at home, that’s 8:30pm when i conked out. *sigh* i’m glad i have an acupressure appointment tomorrow; i hope it will help with this crazy exhaustion.

it’s valentine’s day. which means it’s v-day.

i know we all want to think about lovey doevy things or how much we hate to be told to buy gifts for people we love on a specific day instead of when WE want to. (notice how the ones who complain about that loudest are the ones who don’t do little things and buy little gifts ever?)

but, when you have a moment, or even if you don’t, check out this list of facts about violence against women. we have so far to go until it stops.

i’m committed, are you?

really. let’s just make an attempt at being rational.

please.

pretty please with sugar on top?

the writers of veronica mars apparently can’t tell the difference between an abortion and birth control. plan b is emergency contraception that works the same way as your birth control pills. it DOES NOT WORK if you are already pregnant.

PLAN B DOES NOT CAUSE ABORTIONS.

come on, people.

i’ve seen this article referenced twice in blogs already today. the first was in a blog dedicated to information about drugs (mostly meds) and what they do to people. (like, i learned that the reason dramamine knocks me out is that one of the two active agents is basically benadryl.) the second reference was on boing boing.

now, there were two major reasons i became vegitarian. the first was that i don’t like a lot of meats, and the second was that cheeseburgers were the top of my list of favourite foods and i lived practically next door to a wendy’s. if i was going to stop having a cheeseburger for dinner almost every night, i needed to just cut out all meat cause without the cheeseburger, what was the point? (i consider myself a catholic vegetarian, i still eat fish and seafood. get it? no meat fridays…) it wasn’t a political or religious decision.
last year i read fast food nation. as a consequence this article in rolling stone about pig farming doesn’t surprise me, but it reinforces my conviction that if and when i ‘cheat’ on my vegetarianism, i will only eat meet from small farms where the animals are treated better, hopefully fed organically grown feed, and certainly not given antibiotics.

supporting the small farm keeps us all healthier. really. think about where your meat comes from and if you want to be eating something that was hardly able to walk itself to slaughter because it was so ill; alive only because of a cocktail of four wide spectrum antibiotics, only one of which is given to humans. not to mention, the smaller farms also don’t have as negative an impact on the environment.

first, in case you don’t read further, bid on a date at the not girls’ charity auction! go! do! all proceeds go to help stop violence against women!

i have continued to be a brainless dork all week. culminating in yesterday’s uber embarrassing request for a temporary badge at work — while my real badge was clipped to my pocket the whole day! good lord.

the appointment tuesday went very very very well. no cancer! woo hoo. and, even better for my immediate concerns, no needles! the cyst they were planning to biopsy had disappeared and the calcification had been reabsorbed. i asked the radiologist if that is really possible, and he said it is. still, i rewarded myself with a trip to krispy kreme. check up in three months, but no one’s worried.

i’m about half way finished with ‘the hummingbird’s daughter’. it’s hard to say if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. the book is wonderfully written, witty, funny, a great story… i don’t want it to end. i recommend it to anyone and everyone. it’s true, i was just recommending it to a stranger last night.

i had dinner with unc last night. bio-mom and sis should be in town this weekend. it’s a sparkle family extravaganza!

so the medical staff were great! i can not express how wonderful they were. still, they weren’t exactly prepared for the whole deal. not once did anyone say anything about me having to grow up and get over it, and in fact asked if i knew where it stemmed from (yep, i do, i was five — it wasn’t pretty).

i actually did much better than usual, though they don’t know that, and while i cried and shook a lot i didn’t cover the area where they were trying to work.

there was a woman in the next room, separated by just a curtain, who was also getting a biopsy. she was in and out before my procedure was even started, so i heard all of it. i told the tech i was jealous that it was so easy for her.

the sonogram took a while and then had to be read and compared to the previous sonogram from just over a week ago. not surprisingly, to me, the cysts all look better! but, there is one which is still clearly a complex cyst. i could see it on the screen as she did the sonogram. it’s very cloudy with a solid white bit in the middle. calcification.

the doctor said we could do a mamogram first (there is a subclass of calcification that never becomes cancer, and they can only tell if it’s that by mamogram) and then biopsy if we needed to after we watch it a while, but i wasn’t so sure. i asked if he’d make that same recommendation to anyone, or if it was the phobia. i told him i really didn’t want to make a poor choice because i was afraid. “all of me is on board except my amygdala,” i told him. we agreed to do the core biopsy.

but when he was marking my breast with a straw (what that means i really don’t know, i wasn’t looking, but it felt poky), my panic came up and knocked out most of the effect of the 10mg valium they’d given me. that was the deal breaker.

he said he wouldn’t do the procedure today for two reasons. first, he thought it would be too traumatic (thanks to him for realizing this was hard for me, too) and second, there was more risk of him biopsying the wrong bit of tissue if i couldn’t stay perfectly still. so, if the mamogram shows that the calcification is the sort that could possibly maybe be cancer*, we go in for a core needle biopsy while i’m under conscious sedation. if you’ve had your wisdom teeth out, you’ll be familiar with that.

my brother drove me home and i crashed immediately. i slept for four hours on that 10mg and i was still feeling pretty good when i woke up. and, in fact, i could stand to go to sleep again now even though it’s only 8:43.

tomorrow morning i stick my breasts in a trash compactor. i don’t imagine it will be comfortable, but at least there will be no needles.

—

*the chance of it actually being cancer is very, very slim.

i didn’t sleep well last night, and when i did sleep i had nightmares about things going wrong at the hospital. i went to the er instead of regular check in (and it took a long time for me to realize my error), they had orders from a doctor i saw years ago about my eyes, the nurse was young and wouldn’t really listen to me and wouldn’t flip around to a more recent date in the chart for today’s orders.
but, through it all, hamster_grrl was right there with me! thanks hamster_grrl, you were a calming presence in my dream.
today bro meets me at the local cafe and takes me over to the hospital. it’s supposed to be a pretty non-invasive procedure, but since i was five i’ve had a true phobia of things breaking my skin. which means needles, even the ones that numb you.

here’s what i predict.

i get there, tell them again about the phobia, they think i’m exaggerating or want free drugs. i start shaking and crying a little while i’m changing into my paper robe.

then they come in with the needles. my amygdala takes over and the rational me gets trapped in a small part of my brain. i can think clearly, but my body won’t respond and talking gets difficult. then, a brilliant nurse comes in, looks down her nose at me and says, “you need to grow up. just get over it.” and, “you need to get some help for this.”

at which point i will be magically cured! oh, no, wait, that’s not how that works. really, i say nasty thing to her, but since my amygdala is in charge none of it reaches my mouth — which is probably for the best.

it either takes much longer than they predict, or we all give up and schedule another appointment for another day when they’re prepared to give me some sort of strong sedative.

or, hopefully, they’ll examine me today and say all the cysts are gone and there is nothing left to biopsy! that would rock.

i wish this time mr. brezsney were more off base.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There are three kinds of darkness: (1) pathology and evil; (2) the mysterious unknown; (3) the shadowy, unripe parts of our psyches that are on their way to becoming more interesting and useful but are still awkward and inarticulate. I believe that you can help prevent outbreaks of the first kind of darkness by developing a closer personal relationship with the second and third types. This would be a good time for you to do just that, Libra.

let me tell you, i am doing just exactly that. gulp.

i actually did take a picture of my feet yesterday, i just never found the time or energy to post it until now.

i worked from home all morning; the person i thought was going to help me take some stuff to goodwill didn’t show but that was all right. i ran out of the house, nearly late as usual, to stop by the post office on the way to meet my realtor. i’d recieved a package for my birthday from hamster_grrl with all sorts of great stuff. she burned some great songs for me, sent me a new book and returned one i’d bought for her that i could use at this point, a rediculously hysterical card, bought a mala for me in australia, and included some musk flavoured life savers. (the box is in the other room, but i think covers the contents.)

house hunting was again a bust. the right one is out there, i’m sure, it’s just taking me some time.

i had a fantastic talk with my therapist about some of the feelings that came up for me on my birthday. i left feeling pretty good about things and came home ready to get some more stuff done for work.

by a few hours later, though, my throat was hurting and i could feel some congestion in my ears. i walked down to the drugstore to stock up on cold supplies and fill my new (my third) asthma prescription. this one *really* makes me look like a dork. i suppose it’s an attempt to prevent me losing my voice again, but he prescibed a spacer to use between the inhailer and my mouth. it’s like a teeny tiny gas chamber, except it looks huge when you compare it to a normal inhailer. i puff the medicine into it and then inhale slowly from there and exhale back into it and inhale again. i feel very space aged.

i had the pleasure of running into roxyblue and her brother at the drugstore. we chatted a while but i declined to go walking with them since i really wanted to get home and go to bed due to the cold i felt coming on.

i’m going to try to remember to mark down in here how i feel each day. just so i have a record i can find easily. feel free to skip these possibly very boring entries.

drinking chai and energy flavoured vitaminwater for breakfast. feeling less like i have a cold and my asthma meds seem to be working. nose spray still questionable, but it’s supposed to take two weeks anyhow. throat is no longer sore or swollen feeling.

but, still completely exahusted. slept from 9:30ish to 6:30am. could fall asleep now, but have only had a few sips of the chai. either way, the chai shouldn’t make the difference between fall asleep tired and awake, i expect it only helps with general groggyness.

meh.