A Treasure Found at Home

five twenty in the morning
eyes open
ears open to the crash bash drive of trucks
in the fruit-packing district

mind still in the dream
the bad dream
the leaving me dream
the not caring dream
the stupid, what was i thinking dream
why even dream such a thing

next those girls come waltzing in
the screaming girls
the wall-building girls
the name calling girls
the speak another language girls
why did i try for so long

i kick them all out

in their place come taxes
the more than i though taxes
the didn’t plan right taxes
the have no money taxes
the grow up quick, here i am taxes
how did i screw up so badly

one thirty six in the afternoon
eyes open
ears open to the mumble whirr of the office
under the bridge

mind still in the dream

i had a bit of insomnia last night. my sleep was all out of whack due to a wonky sleep and food schedule (loved the dancy dancy, didn’t love being paged). i lay in bed reading a bonus book when i was buying a collection of short stories that had been recommended on one of the blogs i read.

‘the perks of being a wallflower’ is written as a collection of letters from charlie to someone we don’t know, who doesn’t know charlie. i loved this format. the reader really gets a chance to see inside the character’s mind in a way i’m not used to. not only do we see what he figures out and what he’s thinking, but we see *as* he figures it out sometimes. what he discovers about himself, about his past and the way he relates to the world, about ‘participating’… the story completely sucked me in.

usually i picture high school stories as taking place in my high school, and this one was pretty easy to do since it takes place during what was my senior year. it reminded me of what it felt like back then. the airiness of being in high school. everything felt different, somehow, than it feels now.

and as i lay in bed considering that feeling of high school i also felt the nagging guilt of not having cleaned the house in a long time. and it seemed strange, but i began to wonder if there was a connection there. the empty (even though that’s not quite the right word), big, airy feeling of being that age. was it really just high school? was it not having real responsibilities like a mortgage or even rent? sometimes i wonder if i just didn’t believe that decisions i made then, day to day what class to take and who to date sort of decision, could make a lasting impact on my life.

but when i think of it more, the big airiness of it all seems to center around my house. sure, we lived literally on the edge of the neighbourhood so that all i saw from my window were empty fields. really empty fields cut through with alleys and streets. ‘they’ had prepared the lots for housing already so it was mostly all dirt until you got to the next town north. i could see the next town from my window, and the border was marked by a row of trees along a street where my now current, then future boyfriend would race cars on the weekends. but i’ll keep the story of falling asleep to the sound of his squealing tires for another day.

i started to wonder if it wasn’t the big, empty, airiness of my parent’s house that helped set the tone for my high school years. our house had high ceilings, 24 ft ceilings in some places, and rooms we almost never used, sofas no one ever sat on. it was a lot of empty. my friends didn’t always like to come to my house and it was hard to explain to my parents why we didn’t ever want to hang out there. it wasn’t comfortable. my friends called it ‘the museum’ and it reminded us of the showrooms in furniture stores where you’re afraid to touch anything.

this is not what i want for my home. i want a cozy, warm, easy, yet clean, home. i need to learn how to strike that balance. i need to remember that not all empty space feels white and intimidating. i need to clear out a bunch of stuff and feng shui more people into my living room. i want to ‘participate’ more and be less of a wallflower.

my house is a mess
dust and dried food everywhere
i’m too tired to clean

my new couches were delivered yesterday! the place will look really nice if i can manage to get the old couches out ever.

i posted to my community, no one wanted them (not surprisingly), then to CL where lots of people wanted them but no one showed up to take them, and then called the salvation army. whoa, the salvation army… they gave me a window of when they’d show up but instead showed up an hour to an hour and a half EARLY. and if i had given into my usual keep working and skip lunch habits, i would have been there. but i figured i should run out and pick something up before they showed up. and even though they told me the earliest they’d show up would be 2:00 and it was noon thirty ish, i figured i’d better not eat out; i should get something to go.

and when i got back just after 1, they’d already come and gone. and i called the 1-800 number and she gave me the dispatch number and i called them… the driver had already come back, dropped off his stuff, and gone home! they suggested i should just stay home from work another day to let them come by again. i suggested they re-route another truck to come get my stuff. i was told they don’t have any trucks in that area now or for the rest of the day. when i reminded them i live literally right around the corner from them, they asked for my address (boy, they knew they didn’t have trucks in my area, but didn’t know where i live?). then i was told all the trucks would be completely full.

suck.

so, when the new furniture showed up, all my old furniture was still there. the room doesn’t really hold it all well.

add that to not really being able to afford the mortgage until they change my w4, which happened much later than it should have because the payroll department didn’t (and still hasn’t) get back to me in time. i had to call in help from someone else to sort out where the online w4 is.

and top that off with having way too many things at work for one person, and everyone sending me email all the time about why isn’t their thing done? it’s CRITICAL, people are DYING!* and i spend all this time saying it’s not as critical as they think it is compared to the other things i’m working on and if they have questions they can go to my manager who just sends it back to me instead of getting the picture that i have too much too do.

so, i ended up sitting on my new couch, crying, in my overcrowded house that i haven’t had the time or energy to clean recently feeling like a total fuck up and like somehow i didn’t deserve this nice house and nice furniture and i couldn’t clean it all or pay for it anyhow and my mom was right when she said i’d be alone for the rest of my life.

and today kristy wrote this. i know it’s not true for her and so i know it’s not true for me.

and i’m feeling a little better. but not as good as i’ll feel once the salvation army comes to get all my old stuff.

—-

*not really, but that’s how they’re acting.

packing is the worst part of any move for me. i love love love to move, i hate packing with a deep and abiding passion. generally, when going on vacation, i pack the morning of.

now that i’ve got the condo secured i feel like i have time to do thing and see people for the first time in a year! but, i still have to pack. but there are oscar parties and knitting circles and shabbat dinners and … and boxes to pack.

and the horoscope on my My Yahoo! page this morning says:

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Beware of the magnetic pull of your social circle. You have to keep your priorities straight, and (unfortunately) painting the town will have to wait until your work is finished! Don’t procrastinate. If you’ve got something boring or unpleasant to do, do it as soon as you can — the faster you finish, the sooner you’ll be able to relax and have fun (without any ‘procrastinator guilt’ hanging over your head).

yeah. i know. pack first, socialize later.

i’m the owner, it’s officially official. i’m off to get the keys soon.

i’ll leave work in less than an hour, but won’t get the keys till 2hrs and 15 min from now…. ish.

i have a new blog, too, about the condo so i don’t bore the begeezis out of y’all. (how is that properly spelled?)

http://sparkle-jls.blogspot.com/

i’ll really miss the sound of rain in this apartment. it’s loud and sounds like real rain. it makes it feel cozy to be inside. i even thought about moving my bed to the sun porch last winter, but that room is impossible to heat and it leaks a bit.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)

i’m feeling loads better lately about the types of stress i’ve had in my life. i’ve set some boundaries with a number of people, and it’s really working out well. it’s true that two of those who experienced my boundaries aren’t interested in continuing a re-negotiated relationship, but really that was the point of the boundary setting: i wasn’t interested in continuing as things were.

most people were maybe a little surprised or frustrated but adjusted without much more than a blink and sigh.

one person in particular, however, took the opportunity to step up and change our relationship for the better. i’m so happy and proud of that choice.
it’s been fun for me, and possibly for some of those watching, and it’s been a challenge. i used to be mean a lot. some people have seen this and nod their heads, some people say, ‘you? mean? never?’, and some people believe that anytime i’m not ’supporting’ someone that i’m being mean. some people see my setting boundaries as mean and that’s frustrating and uncomfortable for me, but upon reflection i know it isn’t true (see: used to be…)
well, for all y’all that think saying no is mean: get ready to think your worst! i’m taking off the kid gloves; it’s in the stars.

it’s my time to be compassionate to me.
my sf realtor can call me bitchy for expecting some guise of honesty in my business dealings. so and so can call me mean for pointing out the imbalance in our relationship, or silly for leaving when it doesn’t change. but when i come out the other side, i’ll have a place to live that i love and tight friendships with people who are willing to have hard conversations.

and what exactly sucks about that?

Crazy Aunt Purl

Libras are some of the least confrontational folks on the entire planet. Even the few Libras who will engage in an altercation from time to time are nothing compared to a deceptively nice Cancer who has finally had ENOUGH or a raging Scorpio on like, any given Monday. Ya’ll just don’t let emotions build and build inside you, you’re far too cerebral for that nonsense. But February has all sorts of craziness attached to it, there’s stuff retrograding and there’s other stuff eclipsing within mere weeks and full moons, and good grief. By mid-month you may just want to haul off and hurl at someone. I don’t usually advise anyone to say what’s on their mind in the heat of anger, since I am Southern and we are all about repressing our feelings. However, this month would be a really good time to try expressing your emotions … start by just writing it down, and then feel all proud of yourself for having the self-control to get over it. Because you will, of course. You’re a Libra!

Freewill Astrology

“The disease of niceness cripples more lives than alcoholism,” said writer Raymond Chandler. That’s an exaggeration, in my opinion, but I think his point is important–especially for you Libras right now. As much as I love your ability to cultivate harmony, seek out beauty, and find the common ground between people, I encourage you to let the sweet and polite sides of your nature recede into the background for a while. Emphasize feistiness and grit. Tap into the fiery, primal aspect of your nature that drove you out of your mother’s womb and into this world in the hour when you were born. Be inspired by the creator gods and goddesses of ancient myth, who playfully forged millions of beautiful things using wind, mud, tears, and lightning.

dude, y’all, i’m in contract.

gulp.

yay.

when housemate moved out early with a couple hours’ warning, he left his bed which i told him not to leave and his ugly ugly lamp which i told him not to leave and a pile of other things he didn’t really ask me about.

wednesday of last week i called the dump and scheduled a bulk/junk pick up. unfortunately they don’t take “recyclable” things. not thing for recycling, but things goodwillish companies would take, so i still have the ugly ugly lamp no one wants but the bed is finally gone and i have my living room back! hooray!

today i clean up the last of the other things he left, take the u.u. lamp and some other u.u. candle holder glass plate thing with angles (dude, really, even in my brief ‘angels are so pretty’ stage i would have believed this to be ugly) and a couple blankets to out of the closet. i’ll treat myself to a nice lunch at deboce park cafe, return star’s saver from last night, then come home and move back into my living room!

but that’s not all. there’s even more news from the first level of maslow’s hierarchy.

mom retired friday! she’ll work through the end of the month, then some time in mid january she’ll fly out here and help me find a place to live. a nice, warm, clean place to live. which will be all my own. well, mine and the bank’s. at least, that’s the plan. we’ll see what really happens.

i don’t really enjoy cleaning, especially when it’s so cold in the basement here that all i want to do is curl up under the covers and read, but i know the whole place will feel better once i get to spread out again.

the big deal fell through. that was really quick. i’d gotten verbal confirmation that all was well and we were on the move. money was spent… nearly $1000.

and then … *poof* the other party pulled out with no notice. i have to think she agreed to the deal with me to keep me from making it with someone else just in case it was going to work out for her. now that she knows she doesn’t need me, she doesn’t care about the money we spent or the hopes that were pinned on to this.

grrrr. really, i’m just completely, completely frustrated. i can sort of see her motivation, but also see how she doesn’t *need* to break this deal, either.

i started a post this morning but ended up losing it. i was on the phone trying to sort out where to have my birthday brunch (the first place wouldn’t have room for us, the second didn’t exist!) when i noticed galahad was limping pretty badly. he wasn’t putting any weight on his left front paw as he stood. i called the vet and they told me to bring him in imediately.
so, it was off to the vet with us while buttons re-coordinated the brunch again! luckily, i was already dressed.

after almost $200 at the vet, which included x-rays of his two paws, we discoverd that his wrist/ankle is not broken. they gave him a shot of pain killer and instructions to give him half a baby asprin ever 2-3 days starting monday if he still needs it. apparently cats don’t matabolize analgisics very well or very quickly.

i got out of the vet just in time to drive home and drop off galahad and drive over to the third and final choice for brunch to arrive exactly on time for our second try at reservation times of the day. *whew*

brunch was great and afterwords went to see my friend’s first photography show in sf open studios. he was thrilled to have so many people in his place looking at his work. i was pretty pleased for him, as well.

unfortunately, he’d recently lost one camera and broken another. i lent him my camera for the day, since it’s closer to his normal digital point and shoot than his other back up. all day i was having camera envy, thinking of things i would have shot if only i had my camera with me! he’s a much better photographer, though, and i certainly don’t regret helping him document this day.

afteword buttons and i ran a number of little errands before she had to go home and rest up before a fundraiser she’s helping out with tonight. i’m home with my dopy cat who’s completely spaced out on the pain meds the vet gave him and procrastinating the feng shuiing i have to do in the storage room.

>5 things

• french toast
• squeeze in appointments at the vet
• all beatles, all day on the radio
• jack daniels
• reading glasses
• gerber daisy bouquet
• gerber daisy hair ornament
• boxes for feng shuiing that junk right out of my life
• mystery package slip in the mail

i got buzzed by the blue angels after dropping mom and dad off at the airport sunday. ok, maybe not buzzed exactly, but they flew closer to me than at any other time during the weekend. turns out, hearing very loud jet noises while still very near the airport makes me nervous! luckily, it didn’t take me too long to sort out what i was hearing.

we celebrated my birthday while the ‘rents were here. mom found a really beautiful pen for me. it’s a blue swirlly pattern and has a very nice weight to it. she said she looked for green, but they didn’t have a green one out right now. the company has a different person design each pen so they’re all wildly different and all limited editions. and, they write well!

she also bought me a new set of dishes. the one i have is over ten years old and i never loved loved loved it. although they are nice dishes. mom had spotted the new ones before i’d said i wanted dishes and thought they were just up my alley. she was right! classic style with mix and match colours.

we spent saturday and sunday looking at condos and lofts in both sf and the east bay.  they both say they’re encouraged, but i’m exhausted! extending the search to the east bay is intimidating. who has the time to work with two realtors?

flo and i were planning to go to decompression after mom and dad left, but she was also feeling anti-big crowd so she gave me a cookie and we went to hoop and spin poi in the park. from there we went to a fabulous birthday sushi dinner and stopped for a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on the way home, where we played trivial pursuit after playing with plutoes (the corn snake) for a while. it was exactly the speed i was looking for!

last night i watched ‘the princess bride’, which i have not seen in years! i forgot how good it is. laughing with friends felt really really good.

before the movie started, c and i sauntered into the living room to talk about knitting. we both nested down on the couch with the cat and started knitting and catching up on life in general while everyone else finished off dinner. i totally need a knitting circle!

today mom and dad fly in. their flight was delayed two hours in dfw due to fog around sfo. dad has a theory that they never tell you the real reason flights are delayed, so mom actually asked me if it was foggy today. yup. the sky is glowing white. foggy days mean diffused light. great for photographs, but hard on the eyes sometimes. the light comes from everywhere, which means no harsh shadows but also not just one place to shield your eyes from. maybe we’ll find some nice sunglasses this weekend.

i have a HUGE pile in the kitchen of things to give away, and as i look around the room i find more and more i could really do without. i should take photos of this process, really. i’m being harsh, or trying to be, and realistic. no, i never really do wear those bright red high heeled mary janes with the rhinestone stars. someone else will find them just as cute as i do. and one of the women’s circle’s i’m on a mailing list for (though have never been able to make a gathering) is planning a clothing swap! i figure as long as i promise to take bags of leftover stuff to out of the closet, they won’t mind if i bring lots and take next to nothing.

since i’ve gotten back from the desert i’ve had a very hard time breathing. this morning i woke up early, due to shortness of breath and coughing, and hied on down to the super market to purchace mold killer and anti allergen vacuum stuff to kill all that is attacking me in spguy’s house.

i’ve decided to move out of my house (must tell housemate) by nov 1. m & d are coming the first weekend in october and, of course, think they’ll find a condo for us to buy then. i’m less hopeful, and will move to a new apt asap after they leave … unless we do find something.

even rob weighs in (or maybe he talking about my job, or teaching walter not to steal my doughnuts, or something else. but, that’s the beauty of horoscope, it could mean anything.)

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “The time has come to declare the war on terror over,” wrote James Fallows in September’s *The Atlantic.* “Al-Qaeda’s mistakes, and our successes, have sharply reduced the terrorist network’s ability to harm the United States. Its threat now rests less on what it can do itself than on what it can trick, tempt, or goad us into doing. Its destiny is no longer in its own hands.” In a similar way, Libra, one of your personal enemies has mostly lost the power to hurt you. Its remaining threat resides in what it can trick, tempt, or goad you into doing. To say safe and sane, all you have to do is refuse to get sucked in by your weakened enemy’s ruses.

i lost the cord that connects my camera to my computer. i took a few nice photos last saturday when we had our girls night out, but they’re trapped on my camera.

i had hoped to deliver proof to my flickr photostream that i don’t just drink sodas from machines without care for which buttons i’m pushing and walk around in jeans showing off my cat scratches. i do clean up good. and sometimes i even go to nice places.

i’m sure it’s somewhere! and i’m sure it’s not that hard to replace. but it’s frustrating to be unable to keep track of my things again. it’s not even a sign from the universe that i need to slow down. it’s a sign from me.

now, where is that out of the closet pile? i’m sure i could find a few more things to give away to help clear the clutter to help make things i want to keep easier to find and also to make it more likely one of these condos i’m seeing today will be big enough for me and my cat.

there was a serious tornado in collin county last night. i’m so glad i don’t live there anymore. anna is up the road a bit, so i wouldn’t have been hit, but it’s the reminder that this stuff happens every spring. last time i was there it was still pretty much a small town with a lot of trailer homes and older buildings. that might have had something to do with the degree of destruction. what i like about this article, though, is how everyone is named… it’s from a local paper. nice to know you can look in the paper the next morning and find out how your friends and family faired in the previous night’s storm.

i also got a link to this fan-tastic! video in my inbox this morning. it’s the evolution of dance in six minutes. performed by someone who, at first glance, seems like he might be an unlikely choice for such a thing. i sure wouldn’t mind sharing a dance floor with this guy, though. it was all i could do to keep from laughing loudly here in my cube. i’m sure the only reason i wasn’t dancing along is because i’m sitting down. oh, just you wait until they raise my desk up to where i can stand up and work (i’ve been thinking of asking them to do this since a says it’s the only way she could work without aggrevating her rsi).

my dreams last night were all about being at ‘work’. in that world, i worked in an old munitions factory or something like that. everything was light brown mud coloured. the factory was closed or closing and huge. there were ghosts and at times i think we may have been dead ourselves. the general feel was not so much morbid, though, as precipice-ish. closing. ending. on the edge of rebirth. i felt a genuine connection to those who were left with me, but we had certainly left a lot behind and were really sort of closing up shop. it’s unclear if we were just moving on and the plant would remain open with another group of people or another purpose or if just we were leaving and it would go on with some of these dead people running it and continue being generally useless… no, not useless… more it seemed like whatever we were making was like beating our head against a wall. i guess that’s close to useless, but there was certianly an aspect of hopeless frustration as well.

as i write this it does sound morbid and listless, and while those feelings were there it wasn’t what i took away from the dream. it was more a feeling that i’d be leaving those things behind and was setting things up so that those left who didn’t feel or notice the morbid listlessness would be taken care of and have ease of living, at least in terms of the factory.

edit:
rob concurs:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The leaves on the persimmon tree outside my door are growing so fast I swear I can see them expanding right in front of my eyes. Like them, you are in a period of almost maniacal fertility. The ripening process is so elemental that you may feel as if unpredictable forces of nature have been unleashed inside you. As long as you keep your sense of humor about it, however, nothing too out-of-control will happen. At worst, you’ll resemble a funny monster with a brilliant future, like an awkward kid destined to grow up to be a cute genius.

my housemate is out of town this weekend, and so are pretty much all the people who i’d normally hang with on a weekend. flo is here, but just got her wisdom teeth out.

actually, she’s doing great and was up and about yesterday evening when i went by to visit. she was a little spacy, but not much more than i got later in the night when the tired overtook me.

we had an all night dance themed friday night gathering last night. it was really small compared to our current quarterly celebrations, but it was really nice. i had a great time dancing and talking to people i don’t normally spend much time with at these things. (see above where i mention most of my usual suspects are out of town.)

garma showed up just as i was really running out of steam. we did dance for a little while and tried to talk, but of course it was loud so it was hard to transmit intracacies and i found myself putting things in the most basic of terms.

i took this  shot when i was just starting to fade. sleepy sparkle.

this morning i woke up to find galahad and i were not alone! that ‘other cat’ had come in and was munching on galahad’s food. unfortunately, i was facing the wrong way to really see the sneaker. but since galahad could not be resting on my arm and eating on the other side of the room, i knew our visitor was visiting. sneaker’s still pretty skittish, so when is slowly picked up my head and set it down looking toward the food bowl, sneaker watched the whole thing then ran out of the room. i wonder if i’ll ever tame that one. i’m thinking no.

now i plan to take full advantage of having the apartment to myself! i’m going to hog the bathroom by taking a proper bath. later i think i might pull out some sewing. i’ll do the dishes (i actually do this most weekends, really). hopefully i’ll find the couple-a-few things i’m missing right now, too.

and tomorrow i plan to spend some quality time with my sql lessons. rock on.

curiously, i’ve just found a bunch of chocolate i’d set aside for some smores which were never made. i was wondering about the usability of said chocolate, and now i have my answer! or, i will have my answer as soon as i get back home and remember to check the date it was manufactured.

guide to expiration dates 

i’m so tired. i know i keep saying that, but it continues to be true.

we put in a lowball offer on a condo yesterday. does anyone ever accept those in sf? well, now i’m running around like crazy faxing things to the mortgage broker and discovering that one of my iras doesn’t keep online statements! how crazy is that? they can fax one to me, but it’s going to take a few days. if i thought i had a snowball’s chance in hell of having this offer accepted, i’d feel better about having to do all this right this second.
and while all this crazy stuff with the house is going on, work isn’t slowing down any so we’re planning an all nighter tonight.

which, of course, makes me very thankful for the car from creampuff. that car with the gas gauge that’s apparently way off.

i ran out of gas this morning… litterally. thank goodness i was still in the city and i that buttons keeps a gas can in her trunk.