A Treasure Found at Home

today is bike to work day and, as far as i can tell, i pass exactly zero energizing stations on my route to work.

that’s fine, really. to be honest, i had planned to bike to work today before i even remembered that it was going to be bike to work day. today i’m going to the office closer to home, instead of in the city. i’m not splitting my time between them, as i do some occasional days now, and … i just bought a new folding bike! not that i needed a folding bike to get to this office, but it does have a nice little holder rack on the back so i can take my lunch or something heavyisher without putting it in my messenger bag. (maybe i’m packing it wrong so that lunch ends up mushed, but thems the breaks.)

i’m just very grateful that as these gas prices have gotten higher and higher i’ve been able to take public transportation to my old office (and have a very nice walk by the bay every day) and that now that i’m in my new office i had a friend selling her folding bike, i’m close enough to ride easily ( < 3 mi ), and i still get to go by a body of water every day. plus, dude y’all, my legs are going to look really good!

i’ve done a lot of crying today. not all of it’s been bad. most of it, in fact hasn’t been bad. i’m just letting go of some things i’ve been holding on to for no really good reason except habit. they are, in fact, habits i’m sure i’ll have to let go of again and again, as is the wont with habits.

i started the day reading some of point three (of mind training) and the paramita of patience. the 47 slogans of mind training are organized into seven points. slogan 13 is my favourite so far, and the one i’m currently most intimidated by.

“be grateful to everyone”

this should be of no surprise since my favourite number is 13, and the title of my blog is an allusion to shantideva’s remarks on the subject:

So like a treasure found at home,
Enriching me without fatigue,
All enemies are helpers in my bodhisattva work
And therefore they should be a joy to me.

except in my title i’m the treasure, the one to be grateful to. see, we’re like little rubies found under the couch cushion because we point out your path to enlightenment. “here,” we say as we piss you off, “here is where you could use a little improvement on that path.” it’s much easier to be on that end than to be on the end where you’re giving the gratitude.

in the early afternoon i talked to my meditation instructor. he told me things i knew but needed reminding of, which is what all of this study really feels like to me, so he must be right on target. i cried.

next went to a book club meeting where we had a difficult discussion. i didn’t cry, but my heart was pretty tender when i left. so i came home and looked for a movie to watch. usually, i do this and decide i’m not really in the mood for whatever is on. i thought i would end up reading or folding laundry.

instead, i watched ‘becoming jane’. holy cow. maybe because i’m a hopeless romantic deep under this cynical exterior, but i caught my breath when she turned around and was suddenly dancing with him. of course, i knew the end end. i just wasn’t sure how they would get there, and as with certain other stories i know very well, i hoped for a miracle. i suppose in a way i got one, jane austin wrote some amazing literature and certainly helped pave the way for women writers in this western world.  and… i cried.

i cried for jane and for me and for letting go and for doing the right thing… the really right thing for what i want and what i’m afraid i can’t live up to and i sat for 15 min and cried for at least half of it. and i felt like a fool and was glad i was sitting alone in the dark with only my cat to witness (and now, of course, i’ve written all down for you to read). i use a 15 min mp3 meditation timer which features a few seconds of silence, a gong, 15 min of silence, then three gongs and a few more seconds of silence which i use to dedicate the merit.

the next song in itunes just happens to be a well know everly brothers tune. can you guess? it’s ‘crying in the rain’.

so i did ask my acupuncturist for the magic needle of “i’m good enough”. she had just the spot in mind. she’s been wanting to try it for a while because it will be good for me. it’s very near another spot i had no problem with.

it’s in that fat part of your hand, between the thumb and fingers. previously, she’d put a small needle in nearer the base of the thumb. this time, it was much closer to the knuckle of my pointer finger.

f irst, i felt it get close to the other side of my hand! i don’t know how else to describe the feeling, even though i know the needles aren’t going to go all the way through, that’s what it felt like might happen. then… the pinchy needle feeling. ouch ouch ouch… hello panic, crapity crapity… i had to demand that she take it out. the other needles from her had never felt like that.

while the rational side of my mind was thinking, “could you take it out, please?” in a sort of concerned voice, what came out of my mouth was, “Ah! Ah! Out! Take it OUT! Take it OUT!”

i just hope i didn’t scare anyone else in the office. meh. i still got three more needles after that, too! so, good recovery, sparkle, good recovery.

my new couches were delivered yesterday! the place will look really nice if i can manage to get the old couches out ever.

i posted to my community, no one wanted them (not surprisingly), then to CL where lots of people wanted them but no one showed up to take them, and then called the salvation army. whoa, the salvation army… they gave me a window of when they’d show up but instead showed up an hour to an hour and a half EARLY. and if i had given into my usual keep working and skip lunch habits, i would have been there. but i figured i should run out and pick something up before they showed up. and even though they told me the earliest they’d show up would be 2:00 and it was noon thirty ish, i figured i’d better not eat out; i should get something to go.

and when i got back just after 1, they’d already come and gone. and i called the 1-800 number and she gave me the dispatch number and i called them… the driver had already come back, dropped off his stuff, and gone home! they suggested i should just stay home from work another day to let them come by again. i suggested they re-route another truck to come get my stuff. i was told they don’t have any trucks in that area now or for the rest of the day. when i reminded them i live literally right around the corner from them, they asked for my address (boy, they knew they didn’t have trucks in my area, but didn’t know where i live?). then i was told all the trucks would be completely full.

suck.

so, when the new furniture showed up, all my old furniture was still there. the room doesn’t really hold it all well.

add that to not really being able to afford the mortgage until they change my w4, which happened much later than it should have because the payroll department didn’t (and still hasn’t) get back to me in time. i had to call in help from someone else to sort out where the online w4 is.

and top that off with having way too many things at work for one person, and everyone sending me email all the time about why isn’t their thing done? it’s CRITICAL, people are DYING!* and i spend all this time saying it’s not as critical as they think it is compared to the other things i’m working on and if they have questions they can go to my manager who just sends it back to me instead of getting the picture that i have too much too do.

so, i ended up sitting on my new couch, crying, in my overcrowded house that i haven’t had the time or energy to clean recently feeling like a total fuck up and like somehow i didn’t deserve this nice house and nice furniture and i couldn’t clean it all or pay for it anyhow and my mom was right when she said i’d be alone for the rest of my life.

and today kristy wrote this. i know it’s not true for her and so i know it’s not true for me.

and i’m feeling a little better. but not as good as i’ll feel once the salvation army comes to get all my old stuff.

—-

*not really, but that’s how they’re acting.

watching more of the planet earth mini series i recorded the other day. this is soooo cool.
now i’m watching a bit on vampiro toothus: the vampire squid from hell — i glows! really, it’s bio-luminescent! so. friggin’. cool. man, i should have been a scientist of some sort. i love these super deep living creatures. how amazing would it be to hang out in a sub for a day?

man.

in my own experimentation today, i went to the acupressurist. if all goes well, she’ll be my acupuncturist in a few short weeks. right now i’m wearing seeds on my ear and back. now i just need to find someone to come press these seeds on my back for about 20 min. it reminds me of when i had to ask m to please come upstairs and help me out of my clothes. really. that’s all i needed. then he left. now i need someone to come touch my back for 20 min or so while i lay about without a shirt.

in good twitter news, i sorted out how to add friends. i’m not sure it’s the most direct manner, but if you already have a twitter account, you can click on the follow link  on the right there and you’ll be able to follow me. then i’ll get an email and can follow you! but, it only works if you already have your twitter account set up.

oh, so cool, they just showed some dead fish sink to the bottom of the ocean and then fast motioned all the eels and crabs and cephalopods eating it! gone. totally gone.

how does one get into taking these sorts of photos? i’m sure it involves years of starving first, and i guess right now i don’t want it badly enough to give up my house first.

dragon chimneys! i’m in love.

really. let’s just make an attempt at being rational.

please.

pretty please with sugar on top?

the writers of veronica mars apparently can’t tell the difference between an abortion and birth control. plan b is emergency contraception that works the same way as your birth control pills. it DOES NOT WORK if you are already pregnant.

PLAN B DOES NOT CAUSE ABORTIONS.

come on, people.

squid’s on the move again. this time she’s helping a teen raise money to go on the sojourn project. from their website:

Sojourn to the Past offers a diverse group of students, educators and parents the chance to travel for ten days though the South visiting the most dramatic sites and hearing the speakers that first witnessed and created the Civil Rights Movement.

squid explains the whole thing better than i can, since she actually knows amy (the teen in question).

do you really need another smelly candle, another slutty santa suit, another pot of body glitter? put your money toward something more long lasting, a teen’s education. donate here and be part of change!

i’ve never been an ‘angry’ feminist. i don’t think accusing everyone who happens to be walking past of disagreeing with you is really the way to change minds. i know, that’s hyperbole. but i do think that *looking* for anti-feminist behaviour is the fastest way to find it in places it doesn’t really exist.

however, i have always felt free to tell people they were being silly when they said i couldn’t (A)sort books, B)play trombone, C)walk to the cafe alone, D)all of the above) because i was a girl.
(answer: D)

for the most part i thought my peers were fairly well in line with what i believe about women being people first and female as an aside. over the past year or so i’ve started to look at that assumption more closely. i was floored when a friend of mine told me he didn’t think twice about my sexual preferences, he was sure i was only into women. obviously so because i didn’t giggle or flirt with all the men in the room; i didn’t dress sexy. apparently it just never crossed his mind that i didn’t do that because i didn’t want to sleep with any of *those* men for a variety of reasons beyond their sex (for example, he is married), or that i didn’t want to be seen as a sex object. that i asked him about his work and had what i considered a pretty decent conversation about science i thought would signal that i was intelligent, not gay.

i’ve also noticed a number of women in my community doing things i interpret as objectifying themselves. for months i’ve been wondering if i’m the only one who sees this. am i crazy? am i oversensitive?

maybe, but i’m not alone.

today i should be getting a copy of a book recently published in paperback. (man, i love amazon.) i heard this woman speaking on npr the other day and i wanted to crawl into the radio and curl up by her feet to listen to her talk. and then treat her to a nice dinner as a thank you for saying the things she’s saying out loud.

the book is called female chauvinist pigs: women and the rise of raunch culture. you can find a concise summary of the subject matter here on wikipedia.

since i’m too overwhelmed with work to be doing much of anything worth blogging about, here’s someone else’s entry about a brain dissection video (also linked to in that entry). i’m not linking right to the dissection so you have a chance to understand just what’s involved before you watch the video.

you know sometimes i have days that make me wonder how i manage as an adult woman living on my own. some days i really feel like i still need some sort of keeper to follow me around and remind me to be more observant of my surroundings.

yesterday was one of those days.

normally i wake up before 8am so it never crossed my mind to set an alarm so i’d make it from oaktown (where i was participating in a 00 slumber party) to shambhala in the city on sunday morning. the crazy dog next door started barking about 7:15ish and there was no sleeping through it. i was on the verge of walking over and seeing what i could do to calm the poor terrier, but the fact that i was pantsless kept me in bed. finally, finally, he calmed down and i shut my eyes *just for a minute*.

it was 9:25 when i next glanced at the clock.

i popped up, dressed, got some tea (to go), and said my goodbyes. i realized i’d probably miss all the sitting, but it might still be worth the effort just to get back in the habit. turned on the truck (which i borrowed from sp guy to haul around a mess of bridesmaids) and tried to flick the shifter from 1st to neutral on my way to reverse. and…

and…

pull, pull, pull. *wonder* pull. hrm. pull *pop!*

ok, i made it to neutral.

push push… this can’t be right. push, grind! OH!

i turned the truck off and slid the gears easily into reverse. maybe i wasn’t pushing on this stiff clutch enough. maybe it was a fluke.

i turned the truck back on and backed into the street. the traffic was still light at this time of day and the cars were about a block away. i jammed in the clutch and push, push, push, push… crap! here come the cars. *hit the emergency flashers* push, push…

truck off. shift to first. truck on. pull back into driveway. *give thanks for driveway!*

i went back into the house and tried to call sp guy, forgetting about his sunday morning tennis tradition. i can’t say those 00 members who were present were disappointed too greatly that i wasn’t going to be leaving any time soon.

then webber popped his head in the room and got the low down on the truck situation. he offered to take a look at it for me so i handed the keys over. i watched him from the porch as he fiddled and pulled and then… put the car in reverse, backed out, shifted into first and drove a few spots down the street and parallel parked.

!!

he said he’d noticed the clutch was really close to the floor and the mat was all rolled up under it. he pulled the mat back and pulled the clutch up with his toe. voila! — and sp guy *has* told me about that. i was just so focused on trying to push the clutch in further that i didn’t notice it wasn’t that far from the floor to start with. now i’ll know what other, more obvious to me, behaviour to look for.

by then it was sure i’d missed all the sitting, and i was almost sick to my stomach hungry, so i joined the grrs for breakfast at a local cafe.

when we returned home i reached for my keys so i could grab some things from the truck and have a quick shower before i had to meet my other friend. and realized i’d left my purse 4 or 5 blocks away at the cafe! i’d been using my wallet for a paperweight so i had that and just forgot i’d taken the whole rest of the purse, too. i handed flo my wallet so i wouldn’t lose it, and walked back.

when i got there our table had a new group of people sitting at it (not surprising) and i tried to suss out the purse location without disturbing them. they saw me looking, though, and asked, ‘purse?’ and told me they’d just turned it in inside. i waited for a while for one of the two women behind the counter to acknowledge me. one had her back to the register, fine, but the other was making a smoothie and could clearly see me. now, i understand she didn’t want to take orders while making the smoothie, but a little eye contact and a ‘just a sec’ would have been all i needed to ask after my purse. finally, though, i spied it on the end of the counter and went to grab it. as i picked it up she still wasn’t acknowledging me, but i did want her to know it’d been claimed rightfully so i sort of raised it up toward her.

she’d seen me from her side vision, which i’d guessed, and said, ‘oh is that your bag?’ and i said it was and she told me the guys had just turned it in a minute ago and i said i knew, they told me when i went back to the table.

and she said…

‘you shouldn’t leave your stuff just sitting out there alone.’

and i thought i must not have heard her right so i asked her to repeat herself.

‘you shouldn’t just leave things sitting out there alone.’

so i said, ‘uh… i didn’t do it on purpose.’

and she said, ‘oh! i thought…’

‘no, i don’t generally just leave things lying about at cafes.’

‘oh, ok.’

weird weird weird.

back to creampuff’s. showered. got directions and a phone number for my friend (since most of my numbers are *still* in my other phone) and drove off — without my wallet. which, you remember, was not with the purse. and, i discovered when i got to her street, with A phone number but not HER phone number.

luckily i figured out which unmarked apartment was hers and we had a great time hanging out. including her asking me, ‘how are you with power tools?’ — one of my favourite questions!

after chatting and hanging things and lunch and a margarita, i went back to creampuffs where mobileguy’s fiancee had brought her dog over. an adorable basset hound who would *not* let me pet him while he munched on his treat but was suuuper friendly once it was gone. but, i did step on poor dragon’s ear at one point. k told me not to worry, he did it to himself a lot, but i still felt horrible and chalked it up to my ‘unable to function right’ sort of day.

finally with all the things i should have with me, i left for sp guy’s house. we picked a dinner spot which is normally just fine but this night was too crowded for their one sushi chef so things took forever. and sp guy was uber work stressed and low blood sugary. we finally asked to just have it made to go and i waited for it while he walked home to get some more work done.

after dinner (finally) i was exhausted, took out my contacts, and laid down on the couch with the learning channel… i couldn’t even tell you what was on i was out so fast. and in the morning i couldn’t find my contact case! on the third scan of the house i found it… in pieces… on the floor.

walter was in a LOT of trouble with sp guy this morning (we also found some other things he shouldn’t have been chewing up). i figured i shouldn’t have left it where i knew he could get it and assumed some of the responsibility. walter’s eyes were fixed on sp guy for a good half hour, but he sat by me for comfort. i was trying to ignore him, but i think i was still better than angry daddy. sp guy took a great shot of us while i checked in with work. it’s on my flickr account.

and now… home and in my glasses and ready to start paying better attention!

last night was the first relational db class. it’s a small group. so small that if one person drops, the whole class will be canceled. it’s all about learning how to set up a db. how to design a db.

‘well,’ say you who have been paying attention, ‘i thought you wanted to learn sql, and that doesn’t sound like quite the same thing.’

no, it isn’t. i was all set to take the oracle class. i was even prepared to do it on my own and take a week of vacation for it. finally eddie agreed and i was thrilled. then, suddenly, he was all ‘look again’ and i found this class but since it wasn’t what i really wanted i decided against it. after talking it over with manager it was decided i would take this one now from the night school and their sql class if/when it was offered again. i’m excited to learn something new, but after the first class last night i’m reminded how these sorts of classes go. i do learn stuff, but i don’t frequently feel especially challenged — except to stay awake through three hours of bad jokes and explanations of stuff i mostly already understand.

well, that’s a little unfair. the teacher is a really nice guy and i appreciate that he’s trying to keep things fun for us. db architecture has the potential to be very dry.

after this i might push again for the oracle class. it would certainly look better on my resume.

tonight: new contacts! new phone! working out (blech) and lost with ‘b’ and b! (during which i very well might fall asleep, but i’m going to try for it anyhow.)