743
i had a dream last night that felt, upon waking, was a continuation of the dream from the other night. what i didn’t mention was that in that dream i thought about moving to another room in the dorm, but it was a much much smaller room and i would have to give up my private bathroom and large closet… in fact there wasn’t a closet in the smaller room at all, and there was barely room for a twin bed. the room i was in originally, and decided not to give up, had room for a queen sized bed and the closet was probably half the size of the bedroom.
when i was talking to my acupuncturist about the dream, she reminded me that house (including dorms) are representative of ourselves and our lives. by considering moving to the smaller room, and having the other girls tell me i should, was about feeling that they were trying to restrict who i am.
so last night i dreamed i was getting married. i have no idea who it was i was marrying, but i think he was fun and easy to be with and a good friend. anyhow, it was the day of the wedding and my bridesmaids were nowhere to be found. they just never showed up. there were two who showed up, i think one was hamster_grrl, and the rest just… nothing. no calls, nothing. they hadn’t backed out, they just weren’t there. they’d all bought dresses (which were bluish?) so they knew they were the bridesmaids and knew the day of the wedding. i was unhappy, but also had a feeling of something else. i’m not sure how to describe it. i wasn’t distraught. i guess it was a feeling of being very unimportant. of confirmation that they’d agreed for some other reason than because they really like me and who i am and want to support me.
last night the moon was super bright as i went to sleep. the light came in through my skylight and cast shadows on my bed. with my glasses off it looked full, even though my calendar says that shouldn’t happen for another couple days. i fell asleep feeling happy and peaceful. i dreamed about exploring new places and these strange plants.
at 2:30 am i was woken up by a scream. not a playing around, calling friend, or angry argument scream — in other words it wasn’t yelling, it was Screaming. i wasn’t really sure if it was real but it didn’t seem to fit in my dream either.
then i heard her again. this time she said something. i think she said, ‘he has a gun’ or ‘he’s got a gun’. i heard a car horn, and a car driving off? driving by?
i called emergency.
they called back a while later. they found some people on the next block, but not on mine. now, in the morning, i wonder if the noise was really from the skylight — from the front of the building and not the back.
the police dispatcher said they had another call from my building, too. thank goodness! it makes me feel better about humanity in the face of something awful.
i can’t help wondering what happened. was she kidnapped? did the honking car interrupt something or was that a result of some struggle? i heard some other noises from her, but nothing from the “he” she was screaming about it. she got quieter, but she sounded so frightened.
i wanted to come down and get my computer to see if anyone was online, but i waited till i saw the officer’s search lights (which were confirmed by the call back from emergency) before i felt safe enough to come down the stairs.
i didn’t get back to sleep for an hour. i lay there trying to do tonglen for the woman, and just couldn’t. i couldn’t. for the first time in a long, long time i wished i had a boyfriend. i wanted someone who’s “job” it was to wake up if i called in the middle of the night if i just needed to talk.
i want this to have been a personal thing so i can feel safe walking in my neighbourhood. but i want it to be random so she can have gotten away and he didn’t follow her.
i want to know that woman is ok. i want to know she made it home, to a safe home, where no one hits her or pulls weapons on her.
i want us all to be ok.
today is one of those days when i clearly just can’t win. i was going to write an entry about the girl behind the register who just looked at me the whole time, smiling and nodding. i know she could hear me because she was able to copy down my drink order. the rest she just … turned off for? how going for coffee makes me feel like i’m talking to myself.
but then i got to work and got an email from a chick who i’d apparently deeply offended by asking her to whip up some eggs and make eggnog with me at the party last weekend.
one of the reasons i didn’t write much about the winter warming party is that it was pretty frustrating experience for me. that the original plan called for a group of us to have a walk around the lake in the middle of town before going to the party at around 2ish. by 1, i still hadn’t heard from any of the people i was supposed to meet up with for all this (who live together). so i called them and was told they were running behind, we’d obviously have to skip the lake, and they’d leave the house by 2 and would call then so i’d know when to pick them all up at the bart station.
at 3, i called again; they were leaving soon.
when they finally made it to the station and i picked them all up and drove them all to the party, stopping at the grocery store for the last of the ingredients for the nog, i apparently pissed one of them off by asking her to grab the eggs which i forgot while i stood in line. then deeply offended the same girl by asking her to beat the egg whites when we were at the party.
she said yes, then disappeared.
then today she sent me an email saying i didn’t need to like her but i had to stop being so disrespectful.
er?
681
i wrote this email to my feminist book club list. we’re not big chatters over there, so i’m not surprised i haven’t gotten a response. but i wonder if i’m the only person who feels this way. certainly not, right? it’s a question i struggle with a lot: how do i get past the anger and frustration i feel to become a useful participant in stopping the cycle?
i’m feeling really very very angry today, i need to get some of this out. thanks in advance for reading. at the retreat this weekend someone said something which reminded me of …’s relationship in …. he lived with a woman, her two girls, a dog, a cat, and a fish.
he finally left the relationship because she was abusing him. she would get drunk and bite and hit him.
wednesday at the doctor’s office i heard the receptionist tell a patient that she broke her pinky when she was “hitting [her] boyfriend.” she said it very matter of factly, too, as if there were nothing strange about it.
so here is what i’m really mad about: i’m mad that i see so many women encouraging and supporting and continuing the cycle of violence. i don’t know what to do about it… well, i do in that i know education is key to helping women and men learn to stop this. but i’m not sure how to work with my anger and sadness in the moment. i’m not sure what to do about the deep sense of “good god, you’re right!” i feel when i hear a man say “see, that’s why men rule the world” when they hear a story about the way women undercut each other.
it’s not just that it happens, but that i hear excuses for it all the time. ‘oh, she’s sensitive.’ ‘oh, she’s scared.’ ‘oh, that’s just the way she is.’ we don’t make excuses, as culture, for our men because when men are violent they do more damage. but women tend to be more violent on average.
and of course i’m as guilty of this as anyone. but the anger i feel at other women is sometimes so big i don’t know what to do with it. and part of that anger comes from feeling like i’m the only one who thinks that something is out of line.
so i know this is all over the map, i’m having a hard time really pinpointing what i need or what i’m asking. i just want to understand why women buy into the idea that they need to minimize and control other women. i want to understand why we ignore domestic violence done by women.
i want to know how i can really honestly lovingly compassionately spread knowledge about, and break the cycle of, violence in our homes and our world when i myself am SO FUCKING ANGRY about it, too.
i’m flipping channels and found a show on pbs. the description said something about blah blah experience with other women blah blah. i’ve had a lot of problems and a lot of questions lately about my relationship with other women, so i tuned in.
it’s a singer songwriter singing songs, apparently, about women’s relationships.
she sang one about “only a woman knows”. i’m not sure i believe it. is it true? are there things that only other women can understand about me … or about other women’s women? can men not understand fear? sure, they don’t know the exact pain of childbirth, but they know the fear of being a good parent, don’t they? do they not understand a broken heart? have none of them faced cancer? or none of them a cancer that made them question if they would be as much a “man” when they were finished with treatment?
i just don’t buy it. but i think maybe this is why i don’t get women. i don’t believe this stuff and that seems to be what keeps me out of the exclusive group. maybe that’s what only a woman knows… what it is that only a woman knows.
666
in the past week i’ve been getting a little more attention than usual in my new neighbourhood. maybe it’s ’cause i used to live in the castro? maybe it’s cause it’s finally spring and i’m making time for myself to be outside?
monday night i was walking home from bart and some guy drove up from behind me, slowed, and rolled down his window. i was walking along the right-hand side of the street, so he had to lean over the passenger seat while driving to have this conversation.
guy in car: “hey”
me: looks at him, looks forward again
gic: “i’m charlie”
me: …
gic: “what’s your name?”
me: “Katherine” (p.s. that’s not true)
gic: “you want to take my number down?”
me: “no.”
gic: “where are you going.”
me: “home.”
gic: “you work around here?”
me: “no.”
gic: finally “well, it was nice meeting you.”
me: “bye.”
he drove off. i’m sort of grateful for how nice he was. i mean, it could have gotten really weird and i was noticing i wasn’t in the city anymore. would anyone care to come out of their condos if i screamed? i sort of missed my well populated neighbourhood.
…
yesterday i stopped at the gas station on the corner of my neighbourhood while i was on my way to an appointment in the city. as i finished pumping and was putting the gas cap back on, a guy who’d just pulled up as a passenger in another car says to me, “you work out, don’t you?”
i just smiled and got into my car.
…
now, if only i could get this sort of attention from someone more articulate. someone with something real to talk to me about. *that*, my friends, would be a turn on.
one of hamster_grrl’s friends at the university, who is herself a blogger, is working on a project looking into the whys and wherefores of women bloggers.
in her own words:
I am doing a research project this semester at school regarding female bloggers. I want to try to figure out why there is such an abundance of women out there willing to tell their stories to the world, and where these women are coming from, emotionally as well as physically.
it’s a quick and painless form. go. fill.
657
last night i had the strangest dream i ever dreamed before. mmm mmm la la la.
ok, last night i did NOT dream everyone put an end to war, though that sure would be nice. instead i dreamed that i finally met leelo, and that we understood each other in a way that a lot of others didn’t. i dreamed he let me hug him right when we met. i think this dream is much more about how i feel trying to interact with my women’s circle than any hope that i have some special magic autism-connecting power. i can’t comprehend the disconnects i see and it really makes me feel i’m not neurotypical.
anyhow, later in the dream i had my hair all done up and got too close to a candle. i burned it all off in big chunks. *sigh*
well, at least the dst ending this weekend will keep me up at odd hours over the weekend so i won’t have a chance to dream such things. must test the servers at 11 (don’t ask me why they’d break in reaction to something that was about to happen, but whatever) and three, which will be one minute after 1:59am sunday.
it’s valentine’s day. which means it’s v-day.
i know we all want to think about lovey doevy things or how much we hate to be told to buy gifts for people we love on a specific day instead of when WE want to. (notice how the ones who complain about that loudest are the ones who don’t do little things and buy little gifts ever?)
but, when you have a moment, or even if you don’t, check out this list of facts about violence against women. we have so far to go until it stops.
i’m committed, are you?
it’s just a vagina, people. we’re women. some of you are women. are you THAT afraid of your own bodies?
come on, please! are you actually hoping your niece doesn’t ever figure out that she has a vagina? is calling it a hooha going to reduce her inclination toward risky sexual behaviour? doubtful.
thanks to boing boing for ever pointing out the ridiculous.
let’s stop hedging around the subject and realize that women’s bodies shouldn’t invoke fear. how hard could that really be?
v-day is next wednesday; let’s be a little more aware, eh?
really. let’s just make an attempt at being rational.
please.
pretty please with sugar on top?
the writers of veronica mars apparently can’t tell the difference between an abortion and birth control. plan b is emergency contraception that works the same way as your birth control pills. it DOES NOT WORK if you are already pregnant.
PLAN B DOES NOT CAUSE ABORTIONS.
come on, people.
