A Treasure Found at Home

today is bike to work day and, as far as i can tell, i pass exactly zero energizing stations on my route to work.

that’s fine, really. to be honest, i had planned to bike to work today before i even remembered that it was going to be bike to work day. today i’m going to the office closer to home, instead of in the city. i’m not splitting my time between them, as i do some occasional days now, and … i just bought a new folding bike! not that i needed a folding bike to get to this office, but it does have a nice little holder rack on the back so i can take my lunch or something heavyisher without putting it in my messenger bag. (maybe i’m packing it wrong so that lunch ends up mushed, but thems the breaks.)

i’m just very grateful that as these gas prices have gotten higher and higher i’ve been able to take public transportation to my old office (and have a very nice walk by the bay every day) and that now that i’m in my new office i had a friend selling her folding bike, i’m close enough to ride easily ( < 3 mi ), and i still get to go by a body of water every day. plus, dude y’all, my legs are going to look really good!

• tomato soup
• mac’s mac expertise
• moshing leprechauns
• chai
• twitter
• design your own duvet cover
• secret, the dog, played fetch with me at work
• meowers, aka galahad, cuddling with me in the morning
• distance, breathing room
• blue
• sunroof
• the ferry
• pretzels
• knowing i made the right choice
• kiki’s new home

i’m getting hit really hard with the “not good enough”s again today.

last night i had a dream that someone who didn’t like me much decided to move into the room next to mine. we were all in college living in the dorms. the room she moved into was the room i had to walk through to get out into the hall. she started crying to all our mutual friends about how horrible i was and how i kept coming into her room. they all knew the path out was through her room, but all started to lecture me on finding another way (why not go through two other people’s rooms, the long way, instead?). they were all angry that i would lock my door and not let her into my room, but she couldn’t lock me out of hers. not one of them saw that she set the situation up. that she chose to move in there, knowing that was my way out.

i woke up frustrated and angry and feeling attacked, dwelling on my continued mistrust and misunderstanding of the actions of some people irl.

then i got to work!

there is a woman here who knows nothing about her computer and she takes it out on me. when i ask her what something does, she treats me like i’m an idot. “I. Click. On. IT,” she says slowly, “Do I have to repeat myself AGAIN?” she doesn’t let me finish my questions and isn’t able to tell me what is supposed to happen when she clicks on “it”, but she wants me to fix it for her.

i know it has nothing to do with me. that she just needs someone to take it out on, but i would so much rather be out enjoying the sunshine while it lasts. and that crazy dream where everyone was angry just primed me to be really stung by her attitude.

thankfully, s reminded me that i’ve been doing a great job and the learning curve here is steep. there is so much i can do now that i didn’t know how to solve just two weeks ago.  it’s true, but i can’t help but hear that voice that always tells me i should be learning it faster! (so good for my practice!)
tonight is acupuncture and i’m going to tell her i feel really ucky and i need the magical, “i’m good enough and gosh darn it people like me!” needle.

when mom called just a little bit ago i looked at the clock and realized i have missed lunch AGAIN! grah, i hate when i do that.

anyhow, i went out into the parking lot to catch her up on things best not talked about in cubes (like how well i’m doing with the needles - rock on me). as i walked back to the building i passed a car and did not touch it. just with the power of my personality i set off the car alarm.

i… am a force to be reckoned with.

who knew car alarms could be such an ego boost?

• hiking
• abandoned WWII military sites
• side trails
• deer
• picnic
• green hat guy noticed me but didn’t push it
• waves
• getting back before we got trapped by the water
• i have a job — but i wasn’t on call
• dancin’
• chatting with friends
• chatting with new people (like i promised myself i would)
• my soft soft bed at 5am
• sleeping as long as i felt like it
• **i found my remote!!!!**

yup, it’s monday.

unblogable frustrations at work continue apace. i might have to call my ‘difficult conversations’ friend and ask for advice on how to negotiate some rough waters.

other than that, the camping last weekend rocked! there were no pagers, no phones, no email, and no tickets for me to complete! most everything else paled in comparison to the bliss of not being reachable by work.

i had some great conversations, was confronted by my own bs, and discovered that some decisions i’d made a few months back were absolutely the right decisions. i played with babies. well, three year olds… they won’t be babies for much longer. i also got lots of kisses, about half of which were from one of the babies. i’ll tell you, that really warms a girl’s heart.

now i’m tired and have a ton of laundry to do.

EDIT: this got stuck in the drafts folder and was never posted.

i know i haven’t written in for-evah, but life has been… let’s just say there has been a lot to think about. stuff going on at work that i’m not to talk about, a minor car accident, my parents visited, and today i’m going for a check up for all that medical stuff that was going on this winter.

i stayed with flo last night so i’d be closer to my appointment. she’s flying out today, so i agreed to get up a little early and take her to the ‘plane station’. unfortunately, the pager started going off at 3:10 this morning. blah, meh, grrrr. so here i am at an early opening cafe restarting the server in a second bid to make this system page stop. i restarted the server it’s trying to talk to, hoping that would fix the problem w/out disturbing anyone’s work, to no avail. me vs. the servers: round 2.

i’m sleepy still and my mind is all over the place. i’m thinking of all the email i haven’t sent to anyone. if i owe you an email, you’re not alone.

for instance, dov asked about strep and the heart valves. certainly i don’t have any symptoms of weakened heart valves now, but the natural progression of untreated strep is that it ends up in your heart valves and weakens them. over time (several illnesses) they can be weakened enough to become a problem if you ever have other heart issues. at least, that’s the way i understand it.

ok, really i’m at *$’s. no surprise, they’re everywhere! i got this same “The Way I See It” a few weeks ago and laughed out loud in the parking lot as i read it. i got some funny looks, i tell you what. anyhow TWISI # 225:

People don’t read enough. And what reading we do is cursory, without absorbing the subtleties and nuances that lie deep within –Wow, you’ve stopped paying attention, haven’t you? People can’t even read a coffee cup without drifting off.

–David Shore Creator and executive producer of the television drama House.

keen, server’s up and pager’s silent! i win!

there’s a meme going around that’s 10 things about myself that you might not know. i did the six things back in december, but now it’s up to ten and has gotten a bit more personal. i thought for a long time about what to post, but figured i’m not getting it done that way so instead i’ll just jump right in.

1. some days i think i must be neuro-diverse, a little Different: somewhere on the autism scale. but i don’t match all the major symptoms so i don’t know…

2. because of this, i think maybe i’ll never manage to find a life partner or a long term romantic relationship that works for me…

3. and so i’m nervous that i will never have children…

4. and i’m nervous that if i do get pregnant my children will be clearly autistic.

5. i’m to scared to skydive and i regret not doing it when i had the balls. (but i still want to dive with sharks! big sharks! in that cage! with the chum!)

6. lately when i look in the mirror, i look bigger and puffier… but my clothes fit exactly the same way so i know i’m not actually getting fat.

7. i really really really really hate… HATE to be lied to.

8. i don’t do my hair or wear makeup in part because i think it makes me more approachable by the sort of person i would want to end up with.

9. when i was little “nun working with orphan” was higher on my list of desired careers than “corporate grunt”.

10.  sometimes i wonder if i’d be more successful if i were not as smart.
10a. and then i wonder if i’d be more successful if i were much smarter.

i’ve been sick, and way stressed out by work, so there hasn’t been any real writing going on. there hasn’t even been much imaginary writing going on, either. no “i should blog about that” moments.

returning towels, picking up some art i had reframed, and lunch outside with garma took up the middle of saturday. i spent the morning hours having coffee and a very good heart to heart with creampuff. yay, actually seeing people!

sunday i had breakfast with tarheelborn, and my god, i just wanted to order everything on the menu. this place she took me to rocks. there’s no question i’m going back, and i’m taking flo and anyone else i can drag along with me. shrimp and grits, crepe suzette… mmmmmmm.

anyhow, later i met up with flo and country ham for a tour around ikea. just as i was about to leave to pick them up at bart, though, my neck started to really ache, and then my back. i popped a couple pain killers, but to no avail. i was hurting for sure, and starting to get that odd disconnectedness that comes with viruses.

monday i tried to be sick, but there was a problem at work and i worked from home the whole day, stressing and getting no rest.

by tuesday, my throat was on fire and i was avoiding any acidic or potentially crunchy foods. i had my regular acupressure therapy appointment in the morning, and was given the *tiniest* pills known to man to help relieve the pain my throat a little faster. she said something about, “even if you have strep… blah blah”, but there was no way i’d let that slide. i watched like a hawk for white spots. i am not interested in potentially weakening my heart valves in the name of alternative medicines. i’m not one to overuse antibiotics, i even try not to by antibacterial products at the store, but there are times when it’s appropriate.

back home after being pressed and warmed (i love that she has a heat lamp in her office!) and logged in to find the problem still going on. i told them to call if they needed anything, like if they had a specific question they needed me to answer, then i took my fevery self to bed and slept!

yesterday was sort of spacey. i came into work and was feeling a little better toward the end of the day, but was completely worn out by the end of the day. i napped a bit, sent some important non-work emails (just so i could pretend to have a life outside my job) and then watched lost.

**spoiler below the cut** (more…)

last night i had the strangest dream i ever dreamed before. mmm mmm la la la.

ok, last night i did NOT dream everyone put an end to war, though that sure would be nice.  instead i dreamed that i finally met leelo, and that we understood each other in a way that a lot of others didn’t. i dreamed he let me hug him right when we met. i think this dream is much more about how i feel trying to interact with my women’s circle than any hope that i have some special magic autism-connecting power. i can’t comprehend the disconnects i see and it really makes me feel i’m not neurotypical.

anyhow, later in the dream i had my hair all done up and got too close to a candle. i burned it all off in big chunks. *sigh*

well, at least the dst ending this weekend will keep me up at odd hours over the weekend so i won’t have a chance to dream such things. must test the servers at 11 (don’t ask me why they’d break in reaction to something that was about to happen, but whatever) and three, which will be one minute after 1:59am sunday.

this is the number of new emails in my work email account alone since i logged off at 5:15ish yesterday.

there’s a bit of a glitch, doncha know.

luckily, i’ve got my message filters set so most of them go right into the junk mail folder.

EDIT: make that 107188!

i’m sitting in the local donut store, working, while i wait for it to be time for my dr. appointment. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve been in here, but normally i walk in get my donuts and leave. if i stay for any length of time it’s because i’m with someone and we only pay attention to each other.

today, though, i’m having flashbacks to my first legal, paying job. starting with the girl in front of me who asked several questions concerning the donut holes and then asked if they didn’t have any plain glazed (which were displayed right *next* to the donut holes she’d been pointing at). getting her order of four donut holes was nearly agonizing for the person behind the counter.

i’ve always wondered what makes ordering a dozen donuts so hard. “i think i’ll have a ummmm… no, i’ll have a… no, no, i think i’ll have two of those instead…” and so on.

but, at least *we* didn’t have a drive through! thank goodness!

oh ha ha ha ha ha

another take on ‘you’re beautiful’

while i was gone there was no one to take up the slack at work. i’m already overwhelmed again. and today’s meeting confirmed that it’s at least two more months of doing only the part of my job that i dislike the most.

also, a friend of mine was broken up with … her words echo my feelings when i lost that one person i ever thought i’d really have in my life forever.

and another friend of mine mourns the lost of his grandmother and laments the loss of his mother who is alive yet has not been herself since an anurism years ago.

my heart is breaking for my friends and i feel at a huge loss as to what to do with any of this. i feel like i don’t know how to help and sure don’t have the time to even if i did know what to do.